Failing marrige

[String&stick]

Praying for you both!

I agree with a few things above

1. Show her love in her primary and secondary love languages no matter what she is doing.

2. Do couples counseling along with individual counseling (you should get some too even if you don't think you need it)

3. Read up on postpartum depression. Regardless of issues prior to baby, everything could have been thrown even more for a loop with the hormone imbalance.
My biggest regret as a husband is knowing nothing about postpartum with our first child and letting my wife slide into depression and unhealthy, irrational fear. She was a completely different person until her hormones stabilized.

4. If she needs meds help her with that. My wife, my brother, and one of my pastors all take a low dose anti depressant. All for different reasons, but without it they are different people. My brother quickly realized he needed it and accepted it. My wife told my for years she would never take one as she had seen it alter who her mother was as a person. Now if she misses a few days she knows she is sliding backwards.
I had to walk through it with her and explain that it was normal and ok!

I haven't "been there" so to speak but had a good friend walk through it a year ago, and several relatives. When you think you can't stand it anymore, give it another year. If she is trying at all, keep giving it your all. Take some time for yourself, but the best think you can do for your daughter and yourself is to keep fighting. If you do that and it still doesn't work out in the end, you can respect yourself and know you did all you could.

 

[jolemons]

Been there too. Sorry dude

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[LightFoot]

Sorry dude. Talk to your spiritual advisor, a counselor, and a lawyer... in that order.


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[Bigjay73]

Been there...been exactly damn there...all I can say is, be the rock, but do not take any abuse....however it shakes out, you will know you did your best. Best wishes to you, and hang in there....

P.S: the book "The Four Agreements" helped me through some real tough similar situations...it's a little corny, but the concepts are solid gold...

The Four Agreements - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

Poorly written, lots of fillers, but a damn good read to help put yourself into a better perspective on life. Good Luck OP, I've dealt with very similar issues. I'd cut my losses and run, but only you can decide your fate.

 

[BK Ammenwerth]

I feel for you bro! Sounds like you have been carrying the load. Aside from the rare couple most marriages go through some hard times. My wife had a rough time after our son was born and I felt like you. That I was basically doing everything yet things were just “too much and stressful” even though she was a stay at home home that did god knows what all day. Staying at home all day def didn’t help for her. Things finally got to a point where we went to counseling and were blessed with an amazing counselor that really help us communicate in a healthy manner and air things out before they reach a boiling point. But both people have to be all in. I totally know what you mean about being scared to death about divorce and custody. All I could think about was my boys well being long term. Is it better to end it now and loose half of everything I’ve worked so hard for and most importantly possibly custody of our son???? We ended working things out, it was a process but well worth it. All people are different and grow in different ways. Sometimes love is enough, sometimes not. In my opinion love has to be followed with actions, just words ain’t $hit. Wishing you the best especially for that little girl.

 

[Beni]

Sorry to hear, ive had a similar issue in the past. Prior to us having children things were rough for a while. Counselling helped us a lot, but a big part of it is finding a someone you feel comfortable talking to we went through a couple counsellors before settling on one.

I would seriously look at post partum treatment. That would be a good start, with our first child the wife had pretty bad post partum depression. It is far more common than people realize! If she is willing to begin treatment give it a little time. She should improve and if you choose to you can start slowly mending the relationship. Understand that she might need to work on her feelings with your little one first.

One piece of advice ive been given by family members who have gone through separations was keep a record of everything. Especially when children are involved.


Shoot me a PM if you need!

 

[Fullfan]

Wish you the best in what ever decision you make. I found a good one and have been married for 26 years, and we have 3 great kids.

One thing to remember is, if you are not happy move on. And if you do decide to move on, out there is someone who will turn your life around, and will unconditionally love your lil girl just like she is hers. Don't care what others think of your life decisions. You sure don't want to wake up at 50, and wonder why you are unhappy.

We only get one chance at this. Make sure you make the most of it...

 

[kiddogy]

could be your treating her to good.
women have no respect for a man who bends to their will. stop kissing her posterior and tell her to man up or get out.

 

[Boarmaster]

Best of luck sorting this out.

 

[Myronman3]

Been there, done that. Lost my ass. Or so i thought.

The next 8 years were wasted trying to get my feet back under me. But now, my life is 100x better than ever. My kids are strong, with bright futures.

I wont tell you it is going to be easy, because when you truely love someone and they turn on you, it is the most brutal thing i have endured, including the murder of 3 little girls that i loved dearly.

Fist off, you got this. Like was said, always BE THE ROCK for your kid. This means you WILL get the shaft on a lot of things short term, but long term, you’ll get what has real value.

Second off...and this is going to sound harsh but it’s true. I made the same mistakes you made. I bent over backwards, did everything. BIG mistake.
If there is ANY hope of you turning things around, start being the ******* alpha. Lay down the ******* rules and enforce them. Make it clear, if she doesnt like the rules, she is free to get off her ass and out the door. You can not control her, but you can control what you allow. And make it ******* clear what isnt going to be allowed. You have to be willing to watch her walk. And if she does, let her. The world is full of incredible women that are dying for a good man. Life is too ******* short to spend with one that has you hoodwinked into believing you should be treated like shit.

Many times, in an effort to make them happy, we do everythign they want and somewhere along the line they lose respect because of that...seen it play out over and over.

DO NOT LEAVE your house, DO NOT consent to her taking the child. Spend every dime you have to fight for your parental rights.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Dates. Times. Write that shit down.

brother, it does get better. I promise you it will. It’s going to take some time, and it is going to suck. But you’ll be 100x happier. Dont look at the long road, look at your feet and take it one foot in front of the other. Get through today, dont worry about tomorrow.

And check in with us. We have your back. -Myron

 

[Myronman3]

Apologies to the forum for my rough delivery. I will endeavor in the future to not let my infantry show.

 

[ODB]

A very tough spot. Your daughter’s age and wife’s timeline makes me wonder if she thought getting pregnant and having a kid would help her. Known many people who have been through something similar. One guy I know ended up with 6 kids - each kid was supposed to have been her fix.

Not saying this this is the case, but not uncommon. Invariably in these cases medication was necessary, but only a few marriages survived.

Focus on your kid first at this point. There is a great book called the boy crisis which is ostensibly about raising boys, but is really about how damn important men are to raising kids in general. Your case sounds like it proves many of the points in it.

Some good advice in his thread.

 

[Myronman3]

something else i want you to keep in the front of your mind.

you will be tempted to feel like a failure. dont. over 50% of the population is divorced. when the big D came to my life, i felt like it shouldnt happen to me, that is what happens to other people, not me.

i am sure you’ll feel that, but dont get suckered by it. every time you are at your limit; say outloud “it’s going to get better”.
and pray a lot. the Lord WILL carry you through this. He got me through, and i am definately not worth His time. if He helped me, He will surely carry you, too.

 

[bozeman]

I really dont know what to do here. Im sorry to post it here. I cant talk to family and friends without isolating what fragile relationships people have with my wife. This is the only place I feel like minded people exist, and in some ways a small sense of bond.

My marriage is failing. Things havent been good for a while, and she has admitted she has some issues she needs to sort out for years. She cant find the time or willpower to go to counseling and Im taking the slack and damage from those issues.

We have an 11 month old daughter who I love and cannot risk losing. My wife would be unable to care for her as a single mother due to her issues, but my wife hasnt gone to counseling and isnt take any medication that would result in me getting custody. It seems like the society still hasnt come around to the fact that dads can be the better parent and Im scared to lose my daughter. If my wife and I split, she would move away.

Ive basically stopped hunting for almost 2 years and put her needs in front of mine. I cook. I do most of the cleaning. I do the yard work. I maintain the vehicles. I have the baby 80-90% of the time we are home. Im met with “i feel like you dont love me anymore” so often that I cant go on much longer. I do the overnights and wake up early so she can sleep in on the weekends. I buy her flowers and make her nice dinners she likes. I rub her back when it hurts and watch her shows when she wants to relax and still wants to spend time together. I tell her she is beautiful (she is), and that I love her and give her all the “decompression” time she needs.

Every story has two sides. Ive worked hard on my side but Ive seen no effort on hers.

And Im burnt out. Im about to have the big talk. If she cant agree to go to counseling and stick with a program I cannot see us making it to year end.

For better, for worse, sickness and health- those words ring a bell?

Be strong......forget hunting. Your wife and daughter need you!!

 

[mtnkid85]

Ill recommend the love languages book as well.
It talks about how we as individuals each have a different way that we need to feel loved. You need to identify what she needs to feel loved and also what you need to feel loved. Then you need to convey that to her. You might feel like your pouring on loving kind actions, but if its not what she's needing then your just spinning your wheels.
And of course relationships are a two way street.

 

[Fatcamp]

Google "Dad's divorce The List"

It can't hurt to educate yourself on how to proceed if this doesn't work out. I hope it does, but been through it, and it sucked.

 

[Bdub85]

I feel and pray for you man. My wife and I have had our fair share of differences, although I don’t feel like we have ever been as far apart as you seem to be now. Maybe she doesn’t feel like she has a purpose with you taking on most of the responsibilities she may not feel needed. Most people in my opinion have a need to feel needed and relavent, and without that they can lose their sense of worth. I am definitely not an expert on this sort of thing just my 2 cents. Good luck.

 

[CX5Ranch]

The only book you need is the Bible.

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[Brianb3]

Best advice I’ve been given is

“it only takes one person to save a marriage” be that person

And follow up to that.

“Failure is not an option” take it off the table.


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[Myronman3]

Sounds to me like she already checked out. It’s a matter or how much our guy is willing to get beaten before he says enough.
In some situations, saving it is impossible. I mean, when your wife is running around screwing the entire town, what is there really to save? Or if they are using drugs, putting your kids in danger, really?

I was in for life. She wasnt. It about killed me to say enough. If the other person isnt committed, to hell with it. Some things aint worth saving. And dont underestimate the effect on your kid/s watching a disfunctional set of parents. Humans learn by what we see and experience, we imprint off it. Be damn careful what enviroment you create/allow your kids to be in.

Only the OP knows the nuts and bolts of this. You have to make a no-shit assessment of the situation, and make your choice. Like others have said, i’ll pray for you.