Failing marrige

[Sportsman]

The only book you need is the Bible.

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Chaplain here. Recommend the Bible but there are also many good books to help.

Getting help for possible depression if first and foremost.

From there, books or workshops on active listening, recognition of danger signs and how to avoid hurting each other emotionally during arguments, and other aspects of good communication.

Praying for you, OP.

 

[WV Mountaineer]

Lots of good advice. I'll try to help you the best I can.

For better, for worse. It has meaning. But, it requires a person willing to do their part as well. Which, at this point isn't happening. How long you can further take this is only something you know. But, your wife must be willing to help herself. And, there is no doubt that she is using this against you because you have shown a willingness to go the extra hundred miles trying to save your marriage. How you change that is something you will have to figure out. But, you must level with her that reality says she has to start trying.

I can't tell you how to handle it directly other then a lot of her actions are premeditated in the way she has/is responding to this crisis. She may not realize that or, even be able to acknowledge it at this point. But, nonetheless, she is doing some of this on purpose for whatever reason. Because she feels a self value for herself or she would have committed suicide by now.

The most important thing to remember is to be true to your vows as long as you are married. And, hope that she has/will be too. Its what will give you the peace of mind to see you through no matter what happens. And, to look your daughter in the face in the future so she will know you weren't to blame.

I will pray for your family. I have seen women draw away from their marriage and husbands numerous times and it has always been an affair. Not saying that is what is going on here. Just saying if you have any signs of such, hire a PI to get proof of it. It has measurable power come settlement time. I've got a half dozen good friends that have been awarded full custody of their children because their ex's didn't want their dirty laundry aired in front of a judge. If it comes to that, fight to win for your little girl. You can always give a little once you've established you have no intent to take it lying down. Good luck and God bless

 

[BK Ammenwerth]

In response to the guys saying you need to put your foot down and woman want a guy with backbone.

Read “the way of the superior man”. In a nutshell it’s main point is women (subconsciously or consciously) constantly try to push you off your purpose, your morality, your drive, your passion. Why? Because it’s a test. What they truly want is a man to stand up for all those things. An unwavering man. That is what attracts them. Am I saying all women? No only giving a brief synopsis of the book but I tend to agree with most of it. Great read for any man.

 

[KyleR1985]

Be authentic. Do uncomfortable work. Surrender the outcome.

If you do these things, you'll find happiness and contentment in any endeavor, including relationships.

Like Zap said - you can only control your own actions and reactions. Speaking clearly, acting clearly, and recognizing that all you can do is run the play - the outcome is beyond your control because it involves other human beings.

Women aren't attracted to "alpha" males because they put their foot down and control things. They're attracted to men who have their shit together and don't waste time worrying about things out of their control. It represents a grip on reality, and a comfort in their place in the world. Most will respond positively to you being comfortable in your own skin - those who don't give themselves away as people you don't need in your life on a regular basis.

Be the rock. Don't say always and never. Do everything in your power to keep the lines of communication open and free of judgement. Loving yourself and being honest about your own flaws will go a long way in conveying compassion and empathy in a lover's quarrel. The universe is just constant destruction and chaos - look past your little corner of earth for some perspective. The best thing you can do is reduce the amount of suffering you and those around you endure. Don't pay attention to social norms, and virtue signaling from those around you - be honest with yourself and your family about what will reduce as much of that suffering as possible.

The best version of a father for your daughter is one that is content, consistent, graceful, and loving. If you can't be those things living under the same roof as her mother, work to resolve that in the best way possible. Deciding up front how you want the chips to fall will result in unmet expectations, and more suffering. Do the work, be honest, and let it ride.

Life as we know it is way to insane, awesome, and ridiculously rare to be wasted suffering internally day in and out. I hope you find a path out of the darkness you're in. You've got a pretty good light to lead the way in your daughter.

 

[Xxtavixx]

Thanks everyone. It took a lot for me to post this and I'm really glad I did. Rokslide is where I spend most of my free time, even if I don't post a lot. Way too many people with more knowledge than me here.

I've certainly got a few things to work on. Right now I am taking one thing at a time. We did a lot of talking since Friday and she shared some "inner workings" to how/why she reacts the way she does that can largely be tied back to pretty bad family life growing up. She admitted she just pretends things are fine between her and her parents, and attempts to ignore the past. That does not help her digest, come to terms, and move on with those feelings. It does, however, make her fester and have wounds that wont heal, and make even minor disagreements a whole lot worse.

The hunting topic did come up, and I set expectations that I am still doing a small hunt in KY this year and next year I am going to do a longer hunt like I planned 5+ years ago.

 

[hayesplow]

You are not Alone Brother, so many of us out here are standing on a thread when it comes to marital issues.

 

[tntrker]

Been there as well. I have an EX that was totally fine and great as long as she took her medication. I could always tell when she ran out. She would say she didn't want us to spend the money on them, but I would plead for her too. I didn't walk with the Lord as close as I should have or do now so when the judge asked me if I wanted a divorce, I said "no, she's everything I want as long as she'll take her medication", but the judge said "well, you can't control that can you?" I also know prayer works miracles. You have to decide if you can/will wait to see if she is willing to help herself. Prayers sent your way..

 

[Blinginpse]

You are not Alone Brother, so many of us out here are standing on a thread when it comes to marital issues.

Yep your right. As I said earlier shes been gone almost a year and while things are progressing she still has her family against me. I still struggle daily wondering if I trust her enough to let her come back

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[jspradley]

I agree 100% with what KyleR said.

Only thing I will add is a marriage or anything else ending shouldn't necessarily be look at as a failure, I think that's a very damaging idea that is pumped into our heads. Yep it's painful and it really sucks but two people deciding that continuing a relationship will do more damage to each other and their kids in the long run and going their separate ways isn't a failure at all. As much as it sucks its a good thing for all involved in the long run.

 

[hayesplow]

Yep your right. As I said earlier shes been gone almost a year and while things are progressing she still has her family against me. I still struggle daily wondering if I trust her enough to let her come back

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I believe Love is special and sometimes we loose that person we are supposed to be with, that person our souls calls out for. its a slippery slope when that happens. But i have once trusted someone who isn't trustworthy, it will drive you crazy. i couldn't wish that to my enemies. with a absent of trust, love is just and minute/emotional phenomenon...Trust comes first before anything. listing to the voice in your head.

 

[tdhanses]

I feel your pain, I went through the same thing and stuck it out for about 5 years after it was already done purely for the kids. It’s hard when they are young.

My only suggestion is make the most of it until your daughter is old enough, for me I waited till my son was 4.5. It was hard and life sucked for many years in the home front.

I moved out in late December of 2018 and my divorce was finalized in June. I haven’t been happier but yeah there is a rebuilding process for sure. Splitting seems like it’ll be the hardest thing in the world to do until you do it.

My kids are now in a healthier environment and even though it hurt them I can see how much better it is for them.

I’m not sure what state you live in but most do default to shared 50/50 unless something can be proven as to why one parent is unfit. It was pretty sad to see how hateful people can be, I had an easy split and we were amicable about it but it’s still very hard.

I wish you the best, life is short to live in misery but I can’t imagine not having my kids around, they were worth the misery for many years until I felt it was the right time.

 

[87TT]

I spent 15 years, three children, 3 divorce filings with the wrong woman. One of the biggest regrets of my life. I love my children and got custody of them in the final divorce. My second wife and I were married for 23 years until she passed away from Cancer. I have been lucky enough to find another great wife (the last). Don't wake up regretting your decisions. Don't give up on your kids but don't make them suffer with you and don't think you are doing it for them because even little babies can tell when things aren't right and can suffer from it.

 

[hayesplow]

^^^ He nailed it.

 

[bigdesert10]

It sounds like she legitimately needs medical help. Somewhere in there, behind all the hormones and drama is the gal you fell in love with, and the mother of your child. The best possible outcome is for her to get the help she needs and for you to grow stronger together and raise your daughter in a unified manner. You can fall in love with her again. Make it clear that you are committed to the marriage, but don't be a doormat. She needs to know that you have expectations as well - starting with seeking medical help.

 

[hayesplow]

i will never understand women.

 

[Shraggs]

Without knowing issues she may have had before pregnancy, it sounds like post partum depression. Glad she's agreed to counseling.

Was going to same thing. Issues of the mind in general, and chemical imbalances are so challenging and I believe difficult for individuals to see inwardly. And dumbfounding to those close... So counselor can be hard sell. Doctor can be good middle ground, and a trusted one and there are medications that can help, until the body rights itself. Which if post partum, time will but neds do help.

Pray for you, been there. We’re still together and doing well.

 

[commandoNate]

I've been there. I divorced when my kids were about to turn 2 and 4. I had a lawyer get paperwork to a judge immediately when I realized the path we were headed down because I feared she would try to take the kids to New York (from Colorado) and live with her parents. It was a long hard road to get through the first 3-4 years but somewhere along the way I realized that I was a better father to my kids (albeit only 50% of the time) because I was happy. Rip that band aid off and get this done while your daughter is still too young to understand.

 

[commandoNate]

Myronman's advise to document everything is a great piece of advise. I kept a day planner that I would wrote a couple sentences in every night about my interactions with their hostile mother, where they spent the night, things they said to me that she had told them. This was a HUGE bullet in my gun when we were assigned a 'Child Family Investigator' to make a recommendation to the court on custody schedule.

 

[wyosam]

I disagree. I think society has come around to the fact that the father may be the best placement for the child. I'm in Wyoming and went through this 12 years ago, and we're about as far int he past as you can get. Ideally, you can get her to agree on custody. If not, go to court and plead your case. Do not sign any divorce agreement that allows her to move away with your child (and viceversa). that is very common language in a divorce decree.

 

[teesquare]

The heaviest burden you may bear in life. I understand - and I too have had a similar experience with my ex-wife. your last sentence in your post truly sums it up. Because if she will not - or cannot invest in fixing her issues - and understanding how they affect the marriage....there is no marriage.
I pray that you have wisdom, strength - and peace in this troubled time of life.
T