My marriage is falling apart

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

Excellent advice Vance!

 

[Vance in AK]

But there is a very fine line between pursuing the woman you love and stalking her all creepy like. Respect her with all your heart. That means to respect her space as well. It's a thin fuzzy line. Easy to go the wrong way and look like a creep and push her further.

Yeah you definitely don't want to be "that guy". Like you said, respect is key.

 

[Madnik]

The quality and depth of advice offered here is impressive. I'm not sure that I can offer more in that area.... My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. - M

 

[kcm2]

What state do you live in? I'm in the business in Colorado, and know of more than a few folks that can help. So can any other good folks where you live.

 

[Brandon Pattison]

Good luck and keep fighting. Don't quit. Prayers inbound. You owe your children to do everything you can. If you go to a counselor pay attention to her answers when asked what she likes about you or what you could improve on. Put down the phone and listen when she's talking. Semper Fi. Much good advice here.

 

[rhendrix]

Thanks Brandon!

And kcm2, I'm in TX buddy. Cypress specifically.

Vance, I somehow missed your post. Thank you for the uplifting words. You'd be happy to know that I'm doing this in the time honored Rokslide way. Nothing is too much right now.

God Bless of all of you guys and your loved ones for the continued prayers and thoughts!

 

[Brandon Pattison]

Check your PMs.

 

[rhendrix]

I need some prayers guys, I'm pouring myself into my wife. I am trying to love her without expectations, but it's so damn hard. I don't know how she did this for so long, waiting on me to love her back. I feel like I'm drowning here and there's nothing to grab ahold of, no matter how much I beg and plead and ask her to just believe and have faith in us and choose to love me it's not doing anything.

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

I need some prayers guys, I'm pouring myself into my wife. I am trying to love her without expectations, but it's so damn hard. I don't know how she did this for so long, waiting on me to love her back. I feel like I'm drowning here and there's nothing to grab ahold of, no matter how much I beg and plead and ask her to just believe and have faith in us and choose to love me it's not doing anything.

Hang in there buddy. In the grand scheme of things it may seem like you've been at this awhile but it really hasn't been that long. It's taken a long time for your relationship to be damaged and may take a long time to repair it. Wars aren't won over night and make no mistake you are at war, fighting for your marriage while Satan is trying to rip it apart because GOD hates a divorcing. Just as Jesus loves us unconditionally continue loving your wife and pray that the spirit works in her. With god all things are possible.

 

[rhendrix]

I'm trying to stay positive, I realize that things aren't going to change over night. I just need some kind of hope, some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I could potentially do this for an unknown amount of time and she may never get those feelings back and I don't know what I'd do. She's it. She's the only woman for me and I can't imagine not having her on my life.

 

[Jeff Martin]

I Posted below for encouragement. However, also remember, you can not "Fix" this. You are likely trying to "Fix" it with a sudden 180 degree behavior. Love her unconditionally without expectation. This took years, a few loving gestures on your part to fix it can not change years of hurt. Stay strong brother..we are praying for you. God is with you. See below.


Here’s a thought:
…Do you really think Mary could handle finding out she was a virgin about to give birth to the Son of God?
…Or that Moses could handle leading the Israelites out of slavery?
…Or Daniel could handle the pressure of prison and sitting in a pit with lions?
…Or Noah could handle being ridiculed by neighbors for building a boat and gathering every animal on the planet when he didn’t even know what rain was?
God put these people – and so many more! – in positions and places and situations they couldn’t handle on their own. Why? So His power could be shown in their weakness and that more could be brought to Himself through their example as they let Him lead. You weren’t meant to handle it on your own. You were meant to be a portrait of His grace.
So… where exactly does that leave you when you’re sitting in the middle of a mess?
It leaves you right where God needs and wants you. As you’re going through it, God PROMISES that HE will handle it.
Be strong and ask God how you can give Him the glory in your struggle. Maybe the struggle you’re feeling right now is because you haven’t done that yet. That’s typically how it works for me. There’s a sweet release that happens when I invite God into the problem and take my hands off of it. I know it sounds tough, but you can do it, and you will be rewarded for it. Amen.

 

[Kevin Dill]

Have been reading this for some time, and I have my own take...which in total is far too lengthy to type out. I'll try to keep this fairly short and sensible, and addressed directly to the o.p.

I understand your goal here is to save your marriage and regain the love of your wife. Fair enough. You threatened those things through your own (admitted) behaviors in the past. Now you're developing and applying a strategy to accomplish your goals. It's like a huge task...a job...a challenge...all is on the line. You're giving it 150% hoping to accomplish your goals of regaining her love and saving your marriage. Still fair. The problem as I see it is that your current changes, behaviors and efforts are all (by logic) directed at achieving this goal. It's a goal which you have exactly NO control over, because it involves the decisions made by her. If you give it 150% or even more...and she flat walks into the life of another...what will you have accomplished? Are you drowning because you're holding your breath waiting for her to decide? Is this putting her in a very tight corner where she feels pressure, even if you don't believe she does feel pressure? I believe it's wise to completely stop focusing on her and focus completely on yourself and the changes you need to make without regard to achieving anything. Trust is needed.

Ultimately...If you're making all these moves to achieve an objective of saving your marriage, maybe it's good. It might be better (and a better outcome for all) if you make those moves to save yourself and become simply a better person. It could just be that your original qualities are in there, and it's time to act on them. Become a better man for yourself. Do what's right because you believe in it. Go into each day with confidence and know you'll be okay with the things you can't control. Live with values and high standards because those are right. STOP doing what it takes to simply save a marriage and START doing what it takes to save a man. I'm not talking religion here, either. If you are the man you want to be, and if you just happen to be the man she wants for herself and her family...it all might work out. If you're simply making changes and adjustments trying to achieve a goal...you might win a battle and lose a war. Every bad situation presents a good opportunity.

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

I'm trying to stay positive, I realize that things aren't going to change over night. I just need some kind of hope, some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I could potentially do this for an unknown amount of time and she may never get those feelings back and I don't know what I'd do. She's it. She's the only woman for me and I can't imagine not having her on my life.

Yes you absolutely could continue on trying to improve and not get the results you're hoping for, but that is what is hard about loving her with no expectations, you don't get to expect the outcome you want. True unconditional love is love that may not be reciprocated. How long did you two date prior to getting engaged? By all rights this could take much longer because you are not starting from a clean slate but rather trying to overcome hurt and damage done. Frustration and impatience will do you no good here. It's a very trying situation, I know, I've been there and it almost killed me but it will get better.

 

[orionsbrother]

OK. I'll be the sand in the Vaseline, I guess.

You posted here, because it's relatively anonymous and safe. Nothing wrong with that.

You've gotten your feet wet. I think now is a good time to talk to your buddy or family member. You know the one that I'm talking about. His name just popped in your head. You've hesitated to call him. The guy who knows you backwards and forwards and can really give you some support and direction. The guy who will call you on any of your crap. A good enough friend to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Talk to him.

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

While we are supportive of your efforts, I kind of have to agree with orionsbrother. None of us really know you, so while we can offer support and advice it is all fairly general and not pointed to you specifically and your needs. Also we all have friends that will say "you're better off without her" or "you don't need this", those are NOT the friends you need. You need the guy thats going to say "well of course she's not just jumping back into being all lovey dovey with you, look at what you've done to her for years. You still need to work on _______, so man up and get her done"

 

[rhendrix]

The only reason I posted here is because my accountability partner has been kinda spotty. I've already approached him about all of this though.

 

[WyoElk]

Have you guys been able to make any counseling? Have you truly expressed to her what is is that you are trying to do? Where do you stand in all of the advice given here?

 

[Jason Snyder]

This is not just about "showing" her you can love her. It is about inner change. It is about learning to love someone unconditionally, and letting them love you unconditionally.

Changing behaviors does not equate to inner change, but inner change certainly equates to changed behaviors.

I am praying for you. One of the first things I do each day is to check this thread. Go back and read Jeff Martin's thread above, then read it again, and again. God puts us in insurmountable situations. If you try to be the Lone Ranger and do it on your own, you will likely fail. Don't pray for God to change your behaviors so that you can be the "good husband". Pray for God to change your heart so that you can love your wife the way she deserves to be loved. Show her the grace that God has shown each and every one of us, every day of our lives.

None of us are perfect, don't try to be. Simply ask God into your heart and ask Him to help you be the husband he wants you to be.

 

[Jason Snyder]

I'm trying to stay positive, I realize that things aren't going to change over night. I just need some kind of hope, some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I could potentially do this for an unknown amount of time and she may never get those feelings back and I don't know what I'd do. She's it. She's the only woman for me and I can't imagine not having her on my life.

Do you fully TRUST God? Are you willing to go where ever He takes you? If the answer is yes, then take your eyes off of what you perceive is the finish line, and follow Him one day at a time.

 

[rhendrix]

She's not interested in going to counseling with me. I've considered going by myself, but were trying to use the money we have every month in our HSA to finish paying the last couple of months of our bills from our youngest daughters birth, I may just put the counseling session on my credit card.

I've taken everything to heart, I'm currently doing the Love Dare, although I may start over tomorrow since my patience is waning, and it's honestly the foundation to everything else. I've started exercising again, I've been as selfless as possible since posting here making sure that I'm putting her needs above my own. I've tried telling her how much she means to me and how I can't imagine life without her. I've racked my brain thinking of ways that we can spend time together and am planning a trip for March to see one of her favorite country music artists. I'm trying, but I can't make her be in love with me, it's just going to happen naturally. I'm just desperate and honestly scared she's not gonna fall back in love with me.