My marriage is falling apart

[Jeff Martin]

PM inbound.

 

[rhendrix]

Do you fully TRUST God? Are you willing to go where ever He takes you? If the answer is yes, then take your eyes off of what you perceive is the finish line, and follow Him one day at a time.

I'm struggling with this man. I really am. I know He has big plans for me and He is helping me throughout all of this. I've always struggled trusting in His plan. It's funny how God puts you in situations though to teach you the things that you really need to learn. Like patience and unconditional love.

 

[ams]

I've been in your situation, actually just a year ago. Married 7 1/2 years now. We are doing better than ever but only because of God and his goodness. If I can help please don't hesitate to call. 909 436 8619

 

[Forestryguy]

Prayers sent.

I am not married, but I have gone through similar situations. Addictions, PTSD and loosing a fiance to it all. I know feelings about the VA are not always the best. I have had my own bad dealings with them. A lot of this situation is stemming for PTSD issues. I would contact them for counseling. If they are not able to provide this for you immediately, you have the option to get it from outside the VA at THEIR expense. You might seek help from a pastor. I would hope that one would help you through these times without payment, financial compensation should not be the first priority from the church.

I will continue to pray for you and your family.

 

[kodiakfly]

Couple things come to mind. First of all, and since this is the time for honesty...bro, it's been two weeks since you first posted this. Two weeks is nothing. You gotta give it more time than that. I've heard that when a marriage ends, that as a guideline, it's healthy to mourn it one month for every year of the marriage. Not saying your marriage is over, but the point is that feelings and emotions take a long time to heal, change and come 'round. It's going to take more than two weeks for her to come back to you. You have to give it time and during that time, you need to not get burned out on trying and likewise not burn her out...which brings me to my second thought...

You say you're pouring yourself into this and I don't doubt you are. Maybe that's not the best thing. It's just like others have said in that you can't "fix" this and your wife may actually resent you trying to. There's been lots of book recommendations so I won't do that, but the old classes "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" talks directly to that. It pisses women off when we try to fix things and really all they want is for us to listen, empathize, co-miserate, and just be there with them. You may actually be putting her off if you're showering her with effort and attention. I did that to a woman once. We broke up, I wanted her back and I went nuts trying to win her back and she eventually outright told me to leave her the hell alone and if I'd just called her up for coffee to talk I would've had better luck! Back off and give her attention in a more passive way. Leave her a rose or a Hallmark card somewhere for her to find and read and digest on her own without you standing there. Put the toilet seat down. Do the dishes. Ask her how her day was. Let her hold the remote. Give her an open, standing invite to dinner...at her convenience. Don't try to be a boyfriend right now, try to be a husband. I think I read earlier in this thread that she went for all those years and now you're wanting to fix it right away. How would that make you feel?

Give her time and give her space...I don't mean let her go date other dudes and I don't mean go hunting all weekend long. But she needs to see you're down for a marathon of love and not a sprint of just getting her back.

Do you fully TRUST God? Are you willing to go where ever He takes you? If the answer is yes, then take your eyes off of what you perceive is the finish line, and follow Him one day at a time.

And this too. When I pray for something, I often start off praying for what I want. I start getting frantic when/if it doesn't show up. Then I snap out of it and I start praying for whatever God thinks (knows) is best. Once you start praying for that, guess what...you relax and have faith that he knows best and lo and behold, the "best" does happen. And you know what else?...for me at least, 90% of the time what I want turns out to have been what God wants too. Maybe I'm just lucky. Or maybe he just wanted me to let go and let him decide.

Give it time. When I buy a case of Monster is lasts longer than two weeks. You can too.

 

[rhendrix]

Haha, thanks bud. I'm not fretting over the two weeks, I'm just terrified still about losing her, it's just constantly on the back of my mind and a very real possibility according to her.

I'm turning all of this over to God, I'm at the point that I have nothing else to do and no one else to turn to but Him. He's the only one that can honestly relieve my fears and anxiety about all of this.

Besides, I'm sure you guys are tired of me coming on here like a woman. Haha.

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

Not tired of it at all my friend. Do you need to. Do whatever helps. There has been some very sage advice thus far and if you're in it for the long haul, you may need the support.

 

[kodiakfly]

Haha, thanks bud. I'm not fretting over the two weeks, I'm just terrified still about losing her, it's just constantly on the back of my mind and a very real possibility according to her.

I'm turning all of this over to God, I'm at the point that I have nothing else to do and no one else to turn to but Him. He's the only one that can honestly relieve my fears and anxiety about all of this.

Besides, I'm sure you guys are tired of me coming on here like a woman. Haha.

Well it's good you're scared. That's what'll keep you working on it.

You're not sounding like a woman. You're sounding like a man trying to save his marriage, admitting what you did and that's a pretty manly thing to do.

 

[Ironman8]

I'm just terrified still about losing her, it's just constantly on the back of my mind and a very real possibility according to her.

I'm turning all of this over to God, I'm at the point that I have nothing else to do and no one else to turn to but Him. He's the only one that can honestly relieve my fears and anxiety about all of this.

Besides, I'm sure you guys are tired of me coming on here like a woman. Haha.

Ron,

My .02 is that if she was serious about the "real possibility" of losing her, then you wouldn't have gotten a warning. She told you that as a last ditch effort to wake you up. Like others have said, it's been two weeks and will take much longer than that for her to begin to trust you again. Not that she doesn't trust YOU, but she needs to trust that you're sincere and in it for the long haul. Trust is a hard thing to earn and takes time. And as others have said, try to give her what she needs and show her that you're going to be there for her rather than tell her. You'll burn yourself out (and her) if you're full court pressing the whole time. My suggestion is to schedule a dinner with her (get a babysitter and actually take her out...and it doesn't have to be fancy wine and dine) and actually discuss each others feelings. Do it when you think the time is right, but women need communication...which really means they need you to listen to them. Counseling might be good (I would suggest a pastor or someone that will be speaking from Godly principles), but maybe the first step is talking amongst yourselves.

Giving it to God is the absolute best thing you can do...and also the hardest sometimes. Especially for Type A problem solvers like us. Just pray hard and dive into the Word to find that peace. And as I've said before, you and your wife have an open invite to my church...they have child care services as well.

The answer to the last bolded piece is absolutely not. Took a ton of courage to post the things you have, and you have a large group of guys (Godly men) praying and pulling for you. We're here for you buddy. Keep us updated and God Bless.

 

[orionsbrother]

Haha, thanks bud. I'm not fretting over the two weeks, I'm just terrified still about losing her, it's just constantly on the back of my mind and a very real possibility according to her.

I'm turning all of this over to God, I'm at the point that I have nothing else to do and no one else to turn to but Him. He's the only one that can honestly relieve my fears and anxiety about all of this.

Besides, I'm sure you guys are tired of me coming on here like a woman. Haha.

Don't get self conscious. You've got lots of support here. My post was made with positive intention too.

 

[Josh Wright]

Handing it all over to God is the first step like you are doing. The hard part is having faith He will do what's best. Anxiety is not going to help you or her. Give it to Him and quit worrying. If you feel yourself getting anxious, pray.

 

[ceng]

Trusting God and Faith isn't magical. There's not some point at which you believe hard enough to leverage God. I think you are on the right track. Faith is often moving forward while still fearful. Trusting what you know to be true about God and his goodness despite our worries(not in their absence). It's right to pray when anxious, even to pray as man in Mark 9 "I beleive help my unbelief." Keep at it, be steadfast, believe the best in your wife. God bless

 

[jjenness]

I Posted below for encouragement. However, also remember, you can not "Fix" this. You are likely trying to "Fix" it with a sudden 180 degree behavior. Love her unconditionally without expectation. This took years, a few loving gestures on your part to fix it can not change years of hurt. Stay strong brother..we are praying for you. God is with you. See below.


Here’s a thought:
…Do you really think Mary could handle finding out she was a virgin about to give birth to the Son of God?
…Or that Moses could handle leading the Israelites out of slavery?
…Or Daniel could handle the pressure of prison and sitting in a pit with lions?
…Or Noah could handle being ridiculed by neighbors for building a boat and gathering every animal on the planet when he didn’t even know what rain was?
God put these people – and so many more! – in positions and places and situations they couldn’t handle on their own. Why? So His power could be shown in their weakness and that more could be brought to Himself through their example as they let Him lead. You weren’t meant to handle it on your own. You were meant to be a portrait of His grace.
So… where exactly does that leave you when you’re sitting in the middle of a mess?
It leaves you right where God needs and wants you. As you’re going through it, God PROMISES that HE will handle it.
Be strong and ask God how you can give Him the glory in your struggle. Maybe the struggle you’re feeling right now is because you haven’t done that yet. That’s typically how it works for me. There’s a sweet release that happens when I invite God into the problem and take my hands off of it. I know it sounds tough, but you can do it, and you will be rewarded for it. Amen.

There is some solid advice here.

 

[jjenness]

Haha, thanks bud. I'm not fretting over the two weeks, I'm just terrified still about losing her, it's just constantly on the back of my mind and a very real possibility according to her.

I'm turning all of this over to God, I'm at the point that I have nothing else to do and no one else to turn to but Him. He's the only one that can honestly relieve my fears and anxiety about all of this.

Besides, I'm sure you guys are tired of me coming on here like a woman. Haha.

You stated that you are here to be held accountable, so if you don't mind there are a couple things that come to my mind. First, you state that there is a $ situation with having to pay for counseling, which trust me I get. But you absolutely should not let money keep you from getting the counseling you need, and if you are sold out for fixing this then you cannot not go to counseling. You state that she is not interested in counseling right now which is fine, but once you go and she sees genuine change within your heart, God may just prick her heart enough to have her ask to go with you at some point.

Second, I see in your above post that you are going to put this all in Gods hands, which I commend you for. I would ask though, have your actions been following these words? Have you spent time in the Bible and going to church? Also remember that a church is not going to charge you money when you seek our their counseling, that is what they are there for, to Shepard the flock. If you answers yes to all this then all I can say is keep hammering bro! God Bless.
Justin

 

[JoshTX]

I wish I could offer something above and beyond the counsel you have already received. I can't.

In early 2014, I got divorced and even though, it was my decision, it was devastating. That said, it was the right thing. For both of us. We have a son together and we are better parents since the split. Before, we were fighting and unhappy and I believe, that at 8 years old, he was aware of that and it bothered him. My ex is Sicilian and they do not quit on their marriages..ever..under any circumstance. Though I may be chastised for it (and I have) I decided that it was more important for him to grow up peacefully in two separate houses rather than one home where there was constant turmoil. At first she was very angry with me, but this has diminished and she has told me recently (while we meet for coffee) that she is grateful to me now for having the courage to do what, deep in her heart, she knew was the right thing.

My point in telling you this, is that, SOMETIMES...someone has to be the one to change the music. Otherwise the madness goes on forever. Also keep in mind, that meat eaters are typically, "hammers" and to a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

I don't know if your marriage is worth saving. I do think, that HEAVY marriage counseling is order and probably individual counseling as well. Not 3-4 sessions, but a YEAR of it. Once a week. Try it..no matter the outcome, you will be glad you did.

My prayers are with you.I hope it works out.

Semper Fi.

Josh

 

[poisonarrow]

Do you think your wife would be interested in these posts?

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

Do you think your wife would be interested in these posts?

She's on Rokslide and welcome to view them whenever she chooses.

 

[boom]

I like what Kevin Dill had to say. In summary. You have to be someone that can and does love the person he is. First.

Great post.

 

[GLB]

Rhendrix, I will continue to pray for you and would like to add you to our Church Prayer list. It is most inspiring that so many Godly men has come forth and shared their faith and given Biblical advice. I will tell you to continue to pray for God's will and find wisdom and comfort in his words.

 

[GLB]

Vance, replied to your PM. Your box is full.