My marriage is falling apart

[Larry Bartlett]

Hey brother, i get it. You're actually dealing with more than just your wife's current feelings. You've got baggage that hasn't been dealt with effectively, and your relationship has probably suffered as a direct result.

IMO, we're not chatting about your current marital crisis, but a much deeper personal journey that you gotta wrangle before you can hope for true love to reappear in your life.

First thing's first, bro. Your PTSD. Are you aware of a your warrior ego, separate from your garrison (peacetime) ego? How do you manage those two energies? Many times we come home and forget to stow our field shit away to have room for the less exciting domestic roles we lived before war dramas patterned our programming. Her leaving is a cry for help, brotherman. Life is a bitch that way, but the message she's leaving behind is that you need to embrace some personal responsibility and get behind the wheel of your energy and perhaps the way that energy effects her and those around you.

What kind of support structure do you have as far as guys that know what you've seen and been called to do in the field? You got any old school NCO-type brothers who know the deal? I guess what I'm saying is, domestic degradation is an effect, but most times we're the cause. Both sides have to be connected to make that relationship work, man. It helped me to separate my persona into two gear lists. When i'm on the battle field, my mind is wired to the beat (field gear list ). When i'm holding hands at Fred Meyer's shopping for diapers....well, my mind is where it needs to be (home-front gear list), roger?

I'm ranting...i hope you get the end state point, bro.

 

[Jdog]

Get on your knees and pray--ask God to work in your life, in your wife's life and in your relationship with him and her.

Get connected with a good church and Christians that struggle with the same stuff we all struggle with.

 

[robby denning]

I don't know how to say it any other way. Put aside your pride, humble yourself, and show her you love her.

X2. I'm on my phone so didn't read more than The first reply but wanna help if I can. He's right. Forget the pride. It's not about you anymore. You openly confessed what you put her through and she obviously stood by you. Pretty sure she has to ignore her feelings to do that for you. Humble yourself. Forget your "feelings" and do what you know needs done. If she said " She has repeatedly told me to pursue and romance and woo her again and she may begin to feel those feelings again." There's your chance! Don't screw it up. Also as a Christian I gotta tell you find a good church and get some help. I'm happily married because I have that connection and it's worked for many others I know. She's worth fighting for.

 

[Travis Bertrand]

X2. I'm on my phone so didn't read more than The first reply but wanna help if I can. He's right. Forget the pride. It's not about you anymore. You openly confessed what you put her through and she obviously stood by you. Pretty sure she has to ignore her feelings to do that for you. Humble yourself. Forget your "feelings" and do what you know needs done. If she said " She has repeatedly told me to pursue and romance and woo her again and she may begin to feel those feelings again." There's your chance! Don't screw it up. Also as a Christian I gotta tell you find a good church and get some help. I'm happily married because I have that connection and it's worked for many others I know. She's worth fighting for.

two thumbs up for this post. especially the latter part.

Hang in there bud and don't give up, she's worth it.

 

[Browtinemt]

Thank you for your service. I agree 100% with a3dhunter...you're feeling what she's been feeling the last few years. I hope and pray the best for you as it seems you've overcome some issues...don't let pride or your idea of what life is supposed to be become another obstacle for you. Best wishes.

 

[Beastmode]

A really good book I read was the 5 languages of love. Different people respond to love differently. You wife's love tank is empty and you need to figure out how to make it full again.

 

[a3dhunter]

A really good book I read was the 5 languages of love. Different people respond to love differently. You wife's love tank is empty and you need to figure out how to make it full again.

True, if you don't know your wife's love language you're just spinning your wheels.

 

[jjenness]

I went through some of the same struggles when I got home from Iraq, and the one and only thing that saved my marriage is God. There is nothing in this world that you can do that will save your marriage if you yourself are not right with God. Once you get that straight then, and only then, can you begin to mend your marriage through Gods word. It takes a humble man to put your wife first in every decision you make, but it takes a broken man to get on his knees and ask The Lord to forgive him for his shortcomings in his own life. Go to a good Christian church and find a pastor to get some counseling for yourself, you might be amazed at how your wife may just follow you into that meeting. Lastly, your wife doesn't need extravagant presents and wine and dine dinners right now, she needs her husband to show that he has a genuine need in his heart to change for the better. You will never be so tall as when you are on your knees asking for a change in your heart. God Bless!

 

[Jdog]

I went through some of the same struggles when I got home from Iraq, and the one and only thing that saved my marriage is God. There is nothing in this world that you can do that will save your marriage if you yourself are not right with God. Once you get that straight then, and only then, can you begin to mend your marriage through Gods word. It takes a humble man to put your wife first in every decision you make, but it takes a broken man to get on his knees and ask The Lord to forgive him for his shortcomings in his own life. Go to a good Christian church and find a pastor to get some counseling for yourself, you might be amazed at how your wife may just follow you into that meeting. Lastly, your wife doesn't need extravagant presents and wine and dine dinners right now, she needs her husband to show that he has a genuine need in his heart to change for the better. You will never be so tall as when you are on your knees asking for a change in your heart. God Bless!

best advice on this entire thread

 

[bobhunts]

I would have to agree with the above post. I got divorced within two years after I got out. I tried as hard as I could but you both have to want the same thing and counselors we saw were not from a church based org. I will pray all works out for you Brother!

 

[Jason Snyder]

A few more thoughts, I was racing out the door when I typed my reply.

The Love Dare and watching Fireproof is a good suggestion.

Read the book Love and Respect with your wife. I can send you a copy if you need it.

Put aside your feelings of rejection. I am not a therapist, but I am guessing that your wife wants you to show her, as Robby put it, that she is worth fighting for. Pursue her. Show her how important she is. Show her that you will put her above all else in life.

I haven't been to the point you are, but I went through a very low point in our marriage about 10 years ago. Nothing was going right. I was struggling to find a relationship with God, and struggling to be a husband and dad. I vividly remember storming out of the house one night after yet another blow up fight. I cried. I was scared. I couldn't talk to my wife without fighting with her. I thought I was losing my best friend. I prayed to God for help.

I remember someone saying at a wedding reception that if you look at a triangle, put God on the top point, and each of you on the side/bottom points. The only way that you (the side/bottom points can get closer is if you draw closer to God. I don't know your spiritual beliefs and where you're at with that. I'm not here to preach to you. I am just telling you that if your marriage is worth fighting for, then it's going to take grit, spit, and a whole lot of humility. Put aside the rejection. Do not allow yourself to be offended. Find solutions and not problems. Don't keep score.

For better or worse isn't easy. If it was, the divorce rate in America wouldn't be where it's at.

Good luck brother. I'll be praying for you guys.

 

[kodiakfly]

Lots of good advice here. I'm two years into my marriage, but I've been down the road of hurt and heart-ripped-out. You're not going to be able to function for the best when you're in that state. You've admitted how your wife got to this point and you've demonstrated that you now want to make it right. That's the first step, so good for you. You're hurt right now, so imagine your wife feeling like that for 7 years. You've got to put that aside now and focus on her, whether your hurt or not. Just remember that if/when this comes back together that hopefully your hurt will go away and then it won't matter because you're both happy again.

I've read a bunch of similar little notes on marriage, either in books or motivational calendars or whatever, that marriage is loving/forgiving/showing affection not just when you want to, but even when you don't. Your wife needs you now. Not when you're back to feeling unhurt again. You've stated you want to make this right, so you're already on the right track.

Takes a big, big man to put his pride aside for his wife and an equally big man to ask God for help and then listen to each of them.

Good luck man. You can fix this with your wife's help. I don't envy your situation. But you can make this right and 10 years from now this could just be a low spot in a great marriage.

 

[Jimbob]

So encouraging to see the great advice up above. I sent you a PM as well. But just listen to the common themes that you are hearing from these Godly men, true words of wisdom.
Wanted to add that you showed a lot of humility posting this here. This is a pretty manly website ha ha and you just laid it all out. Continue with that humility.

Great book on marriage for anyone, going through a ruff patch or not.

"This Momentary Marriage" by John Piper

free pdf download here:
http://www.desiringgod.org/books/this-momentary-marriage

 

[Where's Bruce?]

You need to continue counseling (emotional and spiritual), you need a grand gesture to show your wife the old you didn't die and still can amaze her and you need to forgive yourself and her. Real love is enduring. It survives all. Your mission is to make her fall in love with you again. That mission must be repeated regularly. I've been married a long time and romance is the lifeblood of any long term relationship. You can do it. Get creative and you can set the bar way up there.

Good luck and thank you for your service. We are praying for you both.

 

[dotman]

Not much more advice is needed, great group of guys here. I'll be praying for you and your wife.

 

[poisonarrow]

Rhendrix, I will be praying for you. To admit that you are imperfect is all God wants.

We try so hard to be angels and all we turn out to be is devils. The harder we try to be good the worse we get.

Admit that you are imperfect and God will change you into a perfect man. It is a miracle.

A good example of this is in the book, " Unbroken". I think you would relate very well to that book. I have not seen the movie. Too often movies ruin the book.

Wow, what a great bunch of guys.

 

[hflier]

I feel like getting a lawyer involved is just a sure fire way to make her leave me for good.

When my wife went numb, she had already been consulting a lawyer for months. It took me years to fight my way back into my children's lives. I had no clue it was going on. I was a loving and devoted husband and father and went to work at a good paying job every day,, gave her all the attention in the world. Sometimes you can't explain why it happens, but when it does things can happen to you that you never though possible. I hope your situation is different. I feel for you.

On the bright side, it allowed me to be with my current wife (now of 16 years). Best thing that ever happened to me.

Ron

 

[Jeff Martin]

I ran this by situation by wife in a conversation and she said tell him not to try to "fix it" as men are normally "fixers" That will drive her crazy and push her further away. She will resent the fact you waited until her leaving to give 100%. That doesn't mean you don't give all you have to save your marriage, but do not become someone you think she wants you to be temporarily; she won't buy it.

I pray God is your center piece as mentioned above. He is capable of doing anything.

 

[5MilesBack]

Ron,

Go back and read your wife's posts on here from last year while you were hunting. Doesn't sound like a woman that's "lost her love". If she really is a "Proverbs 31" woman, she should still be committed to you and your marriage.

 

[30338]

Older guy here. Have seen guys get consumed with the outdoor sports we love. I'd recommend assessing where you are spending your time and your money, as that is where your heart has been. If you are spending more time training, shooting, buying equipment, thinking about next falls hunts or how you can sneak one in this spring, etc, then I think you have been sending a message on what is most important to you.

Don't know you or anything about your life style so don't take that as judgmental as it isn't. Just an observation from an older guy who has loved hunting and fishing and who has raised a family as well. I hope you can fix your marriage and get your life on track. I'd do all you could do as your kids and wife are way better than any of the other "stuff" we tend to spend time on. Good luck sir.