My marriage is falling apart

[Ironman8]

Awesome group of guys we have here. So many Godly men giving sound advice. Pretty proud to be part of a community like this.

 

[rhendrix]

I just want to personally thank all of you for the encouraging and positive words. I wasn't really sure what kind of reaction that I would get posting this here, and I'm a really private person in general, so thank you for all the words of encouragement and sage advice. I really do appreciate it.

 

[G Posik]

If your wife really is that important to you, do not make a temporary change. Permanent change is the only way. As we all change as we get older, some for the good and some for the not so good. As a veteran myself I all to much understand the PTSD. As 5miles said judging by that thread she was not out of love with you then. As someone who has had some storms in my marriage, it takes a lot of work on both sides. If you need to talk feel free to give me a call and we can get together and talk.

Glenn

 

[2ski]

When you're out hunting, and you have that last mountain to climb to get to where you need to be. Its steep. Its going to be one heck of a hike to crest that peak. You know that monster elk is over on the other side, bugling like none other. The most majestic trophy you've ever seen. You want that elk. But you're tired. You don't know if you have much energy left. You don't give up and go back to the trailhead. After all the months planning, prepping, training, the money spent on gear, the hours spent looking at maps. You dig deep and you go. Even though you don't feel like it. You put too much into this hunt to back out now. You're going to put one foot in front of the other. Start with one step. Then take the next one. Pretty soon you'll string a couple steps together. Keep steping.

 

[Stid2677]

Having been down this road with both PTSD and a divorce, as well as seeing many others deal with the same during my years of service, I can say without question one of the most difficult things life can throw at someone. Others have said it and I will echo what they have stated, you have to be happy in your own skin before someone else can be happy with you. I learned in my Army training that it tales a "Significant Emotional Event" to change your core personality and the breakup of a relationship is a SEE for sure.

You both did not fall in love overnight and you are not going to fix this in a day or two either. Try to reflect on all the things you both did and places you went when you were courting her and make an attempt to recreate some of those experiences. Send her flowers, leave notes that tell her what she means to you in places she will find them. Often easier to write out you feel than it is to speak the words. Maybe get someone to care for the kids and get away and spend some alone time together.

Words often cause more harm than blows, so always try to temper what you say and avoid speaking in anger or when emotions or high. Never assume she knows how you feel about her, tell her how much you love her and what she means to you. Try to make each day better than the last and please don't forget to love the kids during this tough time.

Walking a Christian lifestyle and living in the light of the Lord is always a smart way to lead your life as others have also mentioned.

Lastly I will speak to my own divorce, I neglected, and took her for granted for so long that allowed another man to enter the picture and fill those emotional and physical needs she was not getting from me. You stated that she was out of town and that throws up a red flag, trying to figure out if another is in the picture without being accusatory is a delicate subject, but not loving you is one thing, being in love with another is a much harder hurdle to overcome.

Please remember your children need you both and never chose a long term solution, to a temporary issue.

There is a song that goes,,, Thank God for unanswered prayers,,, I'm so much a better man because of the changes I made in my life because of my divorce and the woman I have now been married to for almost 25 years has been a blessing.

Stay strong and surround yourself with positive people.

God Bless my Brother


Steve

 

[Scotto]

A really good book I read was the 5 languages of love. Different people respond to love differently. You wife's love tank is empty and you need to figure out how to make it full again.

X2....this is a good book for everyone to read....very enlightening.

 

[Trumpkin The Dwarf]

I'm not married so can't give much advice. But I can pray for you both, and I will do that.

 

[Buckman]

I was not going to say anything because I have not walked in your shoes. My marriage failed after 15 years, still 15 years later still haunts me. I have no right to offer you anything but the only thing that I think I did that helped was When I looked in the mirror did I like what I saw, was I proud of how I had acted and if not what did I have to do to make it so? You fought for your country now fight for your marriage. God Bless and Thank You

 

[ceng]

Praying.

Love and Respect is great, especially if you can work through it with other couples.

Keep at it, you will have to be patient as she was patient with you.

 

[DWarcher]

Some really great advice here guys.

Best of luck.

 

[307]

Check PM's.

 

[woods89]

I saw your post last night and was touched by it. It was on my mind all day at work and I thought I would add just a few things here. There is some good advice in this thread.

There have been some good books mentioned. To this I would add if you don't already have one get a Bible and make it a point to spend some time every day studying it. Find a quiet time of the day and give it your undivided attention. This is tough with children around! It will change your life and show you things about yourself you have never seen before. If you are already doing this I commend you!

You mentioned a pornography issue in the past. I appreciate your honesty in doing so. If you have dealt with it, great! If not, I challenge you to quit cold turkey. You may not realize just how much damage this has done. Please don't take this as condescension at all because but for the grace of God I would be in the same boat. In our home we have our internet filtered with CleanInternet simply because it prevents it from being available. Very few people can stay away from it without avoiding exposure to it.

I wish you and your wife all the best! Interesting how these days we can pray for someone who we only know by a forum handle!

One last thought for all of us. Today is the easiest time to change the lives of those around us for the better. It will not be easier tomorrow. And in doing so we better ourselves.

Happy trails and may God bless you.

 

[rhendrix]

I realize that looking over the past 6 years that this is my cross to bare. That my actions and subsequent inaction have caused my wife to no longer love or cherish me. I've apologized more today, and genuinely meant it, than I ever have in the past. I feel like I'm agonizing over the past 6 years though, I'm not exactly sure how to forgive myself right now? Any suggestions?

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

I realize that looking over the past 6 years that this is my cross to bare. That my actions and subsequent inaction have caused my wife to no longer love or cherish me. I've apologized more today, and genuinely meant it, than I ever have in the past. I feel like I'm agonizing over the past 6 years though, I'm not exactly sure how to forgive myself right now? Any suggestions?

Forgiving yourself is a tough one that may not fully resolve itself until your situation with your wife has improved and even then may be something that to some degree you may have to live with. There is no simple answer to this. Recognizing your failures and inadequacies and doing better from here on out will help though.

 

[Jason Snyder]

Understand that forgiving, whether it's someone else or yourself, is not a singular action. It's very often something that will need to be repeated time and again.

Learn your lessons from the past and move forward. Living in the past will keep you in the past. Your new relationship with your wife starts today, and can go as far as the both of you are willing to take it.

 

[Ranger619]

PM sent
Todd

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

Something to consider though:
Hebrews 8 :12
"For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more."

As imperfect followers of Christ we can only make our best attempt to imitate the Lord, but if he is ready and willing to forgive our sins shouldn't we consider ourselves worthy of forgiveness as well (even with ourselves)?

 

[rmekus]

Bro, I read your post and was impressed by your honesty and candor. Three years ago I had my wife tell me those same words today we have been back together and very happy for two years with our relationship at a whole new level. At first when she told me I had the same mix of emotions as yourself.
Like others have said you now know without a doubt there is a problem. The thing is you just GOT IT, it's really just sank in for you! However for your wife it's old news and probably why it feels as if she is cold and removed she has had months to come to gripes with it. Don't let her distance anger you again as others have said you are ready to fix it cause we are fixers but you cannot just turn a wrench or send flowers to fix it. With my wife those immediate gestures just kinda pissed her off which in hindsight was fair she had asked for them long before she checked out why is it only now that I was doing them....because of the fear of her loss.

Now I will tell you what did turn it around for us
I continued to tell her I loved her but now I did it WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS of anything in return, none my love for her was just that a love for her despite her actions or inaction's.
I gave her space to experience life without me,(swallowed alot of pride with this one) This means maybe she goes on some dates or trips with the girls and lets her hair down. Again she is not doing this to upset you it is just the natural progression remember she has already been single in her mind for awhile. This might mean you are watching the kids or the animals while she goes away for the weekend, just do it and be humble about. Again do it without Expectations
With time and little distance healing can happen in my case I just let her know that that distance was of her choosing and that my heart was never far away.
I cannot stress how important it is that anything you say, do, or give to her has No Expectations associated with it. I found that usually we are most disappointed or let down,hurt when our own Expectations are not met or the expected result was not what we got. Just do it for you for the sake of doing it and you maybe surprised.
It took almost a year of being separated from my love to reconnect and then a few more months to be a couple but it was worth it. It is a hard path with many hurtful moments, things she said or did, I wanted to take personally only through a understanding that she was a single woman could I be ok with it, and peruse her as just that a Single woman free to make her own choices. I made real changes in my own life and my unwavering love for her brought us back together by her CHOICE.
If it is what you want I wish the best for you both.
Good Luck my heart goes out to you.

 

[poisonarrow]

Forgiveness is divine. No man forgives of his own power. If anyone has ever forgiven it is because God has given him a gift. "Ask and it shall be given you."

 

[GLB]

I will say a prayer for you.