I have a friend who occasionally refers to my kids as FT1 and FT2. The "T" stands for trophy.Me: "Hey honey, why are the broken condoms laying on the floor?"
Wife: "OMG...What!" - (runs frantically to the living room) - "If you call our children broken condoms one more time we're done!"
Then you could tell the boys "Fool, fool nothing you can do, never gonna see her with the likes of you"Norma Jean