Single income house holds

[pods8 (Rugged Stitching)]

Unfortunately, for the past 100 years society has told women that you are only living up to your full potential if you work outside the home, making widgets for the widget company.

That is one side of the coin. My impression of the other side of the coin (we really need women perspective on these to be honest) is women should be happy to be stay at home moms and just raise kids etc. and a segment of those that do try to live up to that loose their self identity and all sorts of negative fallout comes with that.

One size does not fit all. Some women want to stay at home, some don't. Some men don't mind supporting a wife never working (on the extreme end) and some have a problem with it. Some folks live in areas that are more accommodating to a single income from an average job, some areas you'll be in poverty.

 

[The_Jim]

My wife has been home for 11 years now. She was a CPA, so we did give up a lot of income. Now that our last is a couple years away from being in school she has started doing some bookkeeping on the side and the goal is to have a 20-30 hour a week business by the time the last is in school. No second income doesn’t last forever, and you can never get those years with your kids back.

 

[bdg848]

That is one side of the coin. My impression of the other side of the coin (we really need women perspective on these to be honest) is women should be happy to be stay at home moms and just raise kids etc. and a segment of those that do try to live up to that loose their self identity and all sorts of negative fallout comes with that.

One size does not fit all. Some women want to stay at home, some don't. Some men don't mind supporting a wife never working (on the extreme end) and some have a problem with it. Some folks live in areas that are more accommodating to a single income from an average job, some areas you'll be in poverty.

You're right that one size does not fit all. However, to clarify, my comment was mostly directed to my understanding of the poster's wife wanting to stay home but FEELING like she wouldn't be contributing to the household and FEELING like a burden. My point is that I think that feeling for her is likely one that has been created by our postfeminist and heavily individualized culture.

I don't think you would say these women aren't contributing to the family or to society. It's just that the contribution isn't strictly monetary. However, I don't think there is a way to argue that society has not greatly influenced the perception to be that monetary contributions are the foremost goal, earning money not as a means to an end, but as the end in and of itself. Thus, the natural assumption of some (not all) is that 'stay at home moms' are "falling short" of everything they could be. I think the narrative is that women can have it all, give 100% attention to her children AND to work and that one does not feel the impact of the other. That's obviously not true. It's not true for men either. You can't be in two places at once (side note, I also reference the portion of my comment about how many families had family trades and worked together all day, providing for both the financial and spiritual/emotional health. Unfortunately, this is not possible for most people now). Now, It's a sliding scale of where your time, energy, and goals are. It's all choices and priorities.

I certainly have my opinion on what is healthier for the family given the current state of things, but Like you said, we must all choose what you think is best for your own family. My suggestion is to a husband whose wife wants to stay home but she feels like she would be a burden, and it's simply to tell her that she IS contributing in a way that could not possibly be hired out to a daycare service.

Personally, I can't imagine my wife wanting to be fully invested in our children's upbringing by staying home, being able to make it work financially, but telling her 'No' just because I have some vague problem with being the only one "working". Not that that is you, but some guys do think that way and I just don't understand it. I think that goes back to money not being a tool or means to an end but being the end in and of itself but I don't know.

 

[StuckInTheEast]

There is no mold here...its all completely situational.
Personally I go a bit against the grain. My wife said before we ever entertained marriage that she didn't want to be a stay at home mom. She worked hard to get to where she was and didn't want to sacrifice her career. Part of why I married her.
That being said...she still ended up being a "stay at home mom"...,she was just working full time remotely at the same time and has been ever since our first was born 13 yrs ago.
We paid her mom a fair but discounted cash rate to come help with the kids a few hours a day and during the summer once they were in school.
That rate didn't make a dent in our earnings so made sense.
Finacially speaking, not taking that hit of loosing a salary in your early years and being able to save and put more into retirement early on can sure give you alot of freedom a bit later in life and alot sooner than those who don't start saving heavy until their 30s or later. It Allows to provide experiences and opportunities that may otherwise not have been possible for your family as well.
It's all different for everyone though and always will be.
We both have worked full time since kids were born, but niether feel like we missed anything doing so. I was home every evening and weekend, never miss a game or practice.
Kids might be in public school, but its the best in the county and they still get taught our values at home while getting exposed the the realities of the world both good and bad in the public school setting.
That extra income has aloud us to set the kids and ourselves up solidly finacially which takes alot of stress out the equation.
The biggest factors are making sure your both on the same page, have a plan to make it work and can still afford to live how you'd like whichever way you go on the stay at home parent deal.

 

[DangerRanger]

No, my wife likes working and my kids like daycare.

I do understand doing it, and wish economically it was more feasible option for more people, perhaps if it was we would have gone longer. My wife took 4-6 months

 

[pods8 (Rugged Stitching)]

Personally, I can't imagine my wife wanting to be fully invested in our children's upbringing by staying home, being able to make it work financially, but telling her 'No' just because I have some vague problem with being the only one "working". Not that that is you, but some guys do think that way and I just don't understand it. I think that goes back to money not being a tool or means to an end but being the end in and of itself but I don't know.

Everything is a spectrum: Duration of at home timelines, how strained are finances, how stressed / absent is the dad to support the dynamic, what are the long term consequences of the financial choices, etc.

Extreme negative examples of the above: Wife never works, dad is busting ass/stressed/gets to spend very little time with his kids, dad continues to be stressed and work all the time after the kids move out because the wife never worked and never will, wife leaves and gets alimony and continues to never work while dad has to work to pay court mandated alimony, dad rarely sees his kids and dies at retirement age from stress.

No that wasn't my life (but its a life others have experienced) but situations don't always make it straight forward to be "noble" and support a stay at home wife to raise the kids while still allowing the kids to have a fulfilling relationship with dad both as children and later in life. Things are a spectrum based on relationship dynamics, personal feelings, finances, etc. What is fulfilling for one is a nightmare for others as the puzzle pieces shuffle.

 

[bdg848]

Sure, we both agree that everything is compromises and choices. I'm just saying if she is struggling with feelings like she isn't contributing and she thinks she is a burden, that ought to be countered with expressing that she is contributing to the children in a way that only she could and how thankful you are.

 

[HeavyWalker]

Mine became a stay at home mom when we had our first. 4 kids later now she is still stay at home and we homeschool our kids. Couldn’t imagine it any other way.

 

[TSAMP]

 

[thinhorn_AK]

View attachment 873182

LOL @ postfeminist culture...

 

[MountainTracker]

LOL @ postfeminist culture...

Man if the swat dude was a swat chick this would be over the top haha.


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[Fowl Play]

Every situation is different. My wife's a teacher so her salary wasn't high to begin with. She wanted to go back to work to help contribute (even though she didn't need to) and tried it for a bit, barely broke even on her salary after paying for childcare. She hated it. Now we homeschool and life is much better. We'll see what the future holds.

I will say, if you plan to put toddlers into child care, be prepared to be sick for what seems like a quarter of your life during that time period. Kids get sick at school as well, but when they are little, putting everything in their mouth.... they will catch EVERY SINGLE sickness going around week after week. Then your wife will.... then you will. Repeat every 2-3 weeks. I swear this has gotten worse since after Covid, cause now there are even more disease varieties for them to catch.

 

[timekiller13]

I wonder how young families can make it now with just a single income. Unless the husband makes really good money i don’t usually see it in my neck of the woods.

I know several people whose wives stay at home.

The only ones who aren’t struggling are the ones who have a partner who is very high income earner.

The ones who make less than $150k year always tell me about how they don’t have the money to do anything. They never go on vacation, have to scrape together funds to help pay for extracurricular activities, repairs for vehicles etc.

My BIL worked 2 jobs (80-90hrs a week) when his wife stayed home. He was miserable all the time. Never saw his kids, resented his wife because all she ever talked about was the “fun things” she did with kids while he was at work. His marriage nearly ended. She went back to work, he went to just one job and now they are much happier. They get to spend time with their kids TOGETHER.

 

[bozeman]

We were very fortunate that my wife was able to step away from vocational work (Teacher) and stay home with our two children until they both started school. She missed a little over 5 years (our kids are 18 months apart). In talks with her about it, she says 'wouldnt trade that time with them for any career' and I believe it. There were some difficult days, but in the end, it was one of the, if not the, best parenting decision we have made.

 

[TSimons9]

Went to single income when our son was born 2 years ago. Packed up and moved to Idaho to live with my in-laws for below market rent. Without their help we couldn’t make it on my income alone. We are fortunate to have a great relationship with her parents and they appreciate our commitment to making sure our son is raised how we see fit. The wife struggled at first with being SAHM but she is adjusting well and actually enjoys it most days now. I am also fortunate to have a good paying job that covers all the expenses with just enough leftover for some fun family activities. I have a very stable schedule which allows for some solid family time each day after work and on weekends.

I do think she will go back to work eventually. It will depend on if we homeschool or not.

 

[Tullis94]

Our first kid just turned 8 months old yesterday and we have been in our new house we built for about 4 months. We waited 6 years before having kids and saved up a bunch. We also lived with my in-laws for about a year and a half which allowed us to save a lot more. My wife is a night shift nurse, and I have a state job. This allows us to both watch our kid when the other is at work and not have to pay daycare. She is still full time (3, 12 hour shifts) but usually tries to be on call for one of those. We could live on my salary but we would have to sell our house and down size unless I got a second part time job.
. After 3 months off with our little boy she was "ready" to go back to work. It is hard for her to leave our little guy every time she goes to work, but I think the social outing is good for her and she agrees. Everyone's situation is different but this is working very well for us so far.

 

[Dave_]

My wife decided to not to go back to work after our first kid. She was pretty fed up with that job already and wasn't paid much. I had a good paying stable job and could work overtime to make up the difference. But that also meant I had to travel and be away from home more.

Unforseen issues: my wife was going stir crazy home alone after 6-7 months and wanted to go back to work. We don't have family in town, that makes it much more difficult.

It took several years for my wife to rebuild her career after going back. I've seen alot of husband's not appreciate this sacrifice.




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[IdGoldHunter]

My wife has been a stay at home mom since our oldest daughter was born 4 years ago and we are about to deliver our third this week. When we started this journey 4 years ago I was making 1/3 of what I do now while putting myself through college at night with a newborn in the house after working a full time job as a construction superintendent. It wasn’t what I would call easy but I always knew it was the right move for us and I’d do whatever I had to do to make it right. Looking back now, it’s unbelievably evident that it was the right move when I look at how special my daughters are.

We both drive >5 year old vehicles that are paid for, don’t take high dollar vacations (doesn’t mean they aren’t awesome), and I’m probably not buying an offshore boat for a while, but I can promise you the time with my girls is worth more to me than any dollar amount. Your kids are only young once.

I get to build custom homes for some incredibly high net worth individuals if you want a list of people who have more money than anyone and somehow still find ways to be incredibly unhappy.

At the end of the day it’s a personal choice…
Don’t let the almighty dollar be the defining measure in your life.

Aside from having different professions, it sounds like we live the same life. Good job on keeping it going.

 

[Kurts86]

We both kept working and made it happen while my wife was in residency and fellowship. As a result my wife helps out really sick kids daily as a pediatric specialist while still being a great mother.

Ultimately there are only 2 levers in life and that is time or money. If you understand that you can make strategic decisions based on where you are at. Having 2 incomes may mean you hire a house cleaner or someone to mow your lawn while so you can spend an extra few hours weekly with your kids. Finding ways to buy back quality time is important if you both keep careers.

I often envy guys with a stay at home wife because scheduling every dentist appointment, soccer practice and off school day is a pain to coordinate with 2 people balancing work and personal schedules. Finding childcare is a never ending struggle. Just finding some openings is challenging and getting into a good daycare close to home or work can be a downright nightmare.

Having two incomes makes a lot easier to afford living in a good school district. Where we live the best school public districts in the nation and those that have lost accreditation are separated by a single road. The cost to buy a house in the good districts are significantly higher. It makes it much easier to fund your kids college savings account at a young age with two incomes. It isn’t all just more play money for the parents that you give up.

Depending on your profession maintaining licensure and continuing education can be expensive or difficult to keep up if you exit the work force for extended periods of time. If nothing else the resume gaps can definitely become a problem when re entering the workforce even when the reason was as valid as staying at home with a young family. Often the earnings and career growth opportunities happen in the child bearing years that can snowball throughout a career.

 

[P Carter]

For what it’s worth, I think this is a good discussion, lots of points of view.

My wife always thought she would stay at home after having kids. About 3 weeks after having our first kid, we both realized (to our surprise!) that was *not* going to work. But two full-time or over-full-time jobs didn’t work, either. So she’s found a few jobs that work, usually 15-30 hours per week with flexible hours. She gets paid a bit less than she shoukd command in the market, but the flexibility is worth it. Now, with three kids and the oldest going to high school, she’s full time remote with flexible hours and it’s working pretty darn well.

In our two families (sisters and sisters-in-law) the women range from full-time stay at home (2), primary breadwinner (1), part-time work almost as a hobby (low pay, 1), full-time but flexible work (2). All the kids are little rascals but doing just fine, and how they’re doing relates much more to their own individual nature what their moms are doing for work. You sure as heck couldn’t tell which kids belong to which moms, as in, you couldn’t tell which kids have full-time versus part time working versus stay at home moms etc. Gotta find what works, stay communicative, be flexible, evolve as life evolves, and remember that the family unit as a whole is the relevant concern, and people are inherently adaptable and will accommodate a variety of circumstances.

IMHO.