My marriage is falling apart

[Vance in AK]

Vance, replied to your PM. Your box is full.

Thanks! I cleaned it out.

 

[mrmorton]

I was a soldier as well and have gone through your exact scenario. I am going to tell it like it is and you may need to hear this:
1) she has already checked out. You will never bring her back and make the relationship what you want it to be.
2) Your kids will be better off having two happy parents than two parents that do not get along and give a bad example of what marriage is supposed to be like.
3) There is another woman out there that will make you whole again (if you make closure with what is happening right now).
4) I am not a divorce attorney but cannot emphasize how important it is to have one even if you have to borrow money to pay for it.
5) it is over and you need to make arrangements to raise your kids in a healthy environment.
the most important thing to remember is anger and jealousy never fix anything. she will engage in new relationships if she has not already. I am reading into your post a little bit but you might want to prepare yourself if she is having an affair.

Best of luck to you. I sincerely mean that. success is measured by learning from our mistakes not correcting them.

 

[ffparamedic]

I was a soldier as well and have gone through your exact scenario. I am going to tell it like it is and you may need to hear this:
1) she has already checked out. You will never bring her back and make the relationship what you want it to be.
2) Your kids will be better off having two happy parents than two parents that do not get along and give a bad example of what marriage is supposed to be like.
3) There is another woman out there that will make you whole again (if you make closure with what is happening right now).
4) I am not a divorce attorney but cannot emphasize how important it is to have one even if you have to borrow money to pay for it.
5) it is over and you need to make arrangements to raise your kids in a healthy environment.
the most important thing to remember is anger and jealousy never fix anything. she will engage in new relationships if she has not already. I am reading into your post a little bit but you might want to prepare yourself if she is having an affair.

Best of luck to you. I sincerely mean that. success is measured by learning from our mistakes not correcting them.

Learning from your mistakes is great, not attempting to correct them when you can look back and see that you were at least partly directly in fault causing the mistake in the first place is just taking the scapegoat way out and not being man enough to admit your wrong and attempt to right it.

Every man has a different set of circumstances that drives his reaction but commitments are made and should be upheld the best that you can, the attitude of "oh well I screwed up, better luck next time" is one of the reasons this society is in the shape its in. Children need a dual parent home not a broken one.

 

[ceng]

Relationships can be mended. Hearts can be healed and changed. Remember your commitment, don't fall prey to the lie that you need to be with a specific (different) person to be in "love." Marriage takes effort to be successful. I echo the statements by ffparamedic. The best home for kids is with Mom and Dad especially a Mom and Dad who have persevered through tough times. Christi work is redemption that redemption is not only limited to eternity. Persevere.

 

[rhendrix]

I was a soldier as well and have gone through your exact scenario. I am going to tell it like it is and you may need to hear this:
1) she has already checked out. You will never bring her back and make the relationship what you want it to be.
2) Your kids will be better off having two happy parents than two parents that do not get along and give a bad example of what marriage is supposed to be like.
3) There is another woman out there that will make you whole again (if you make closure with what is happening right now).
4) I am not a divorce attorney but cannot emphasize how important it is to have one even if you have to borrow money to pay for it.
5) it is over and you need to make arrangements to raise your kids in a healthy environment.
the most important thing to remember is anger and jealousy never fix anything. she will engage in new relationships if she has not already. I am reading into your post a little bit but you might want to prepare yourself if she is having an affair.

Best of luck to you. I sincerely mean that. success is measured by learning from our mistakes not correcting them.

I'm going to be frank as well, you have no earthly idea what you're talking about.

I do appreciate the input, but it's way off base.

It's taken a lot of prayer and quite a bit of talking with a counselor, and then talking even more with my wife for me to realize when my wife told me she's not in love me, what she really means, is that she doesn't feel like she can trust me to guard and protect her heart, and I've never done that. I will move mountains to gain my wife's trust back. I took a vow to be the guy that always looked out for, cared for and provided for her, I never truly understood that until now. But at least I get it, and there's no time like the present to show her just what she means to me.

 

[WyoElk]

Hows thing going this week rhendrix? I keep checking his thread hoping for good news. It sounds like you are on the right track, just need to be patient.

I think Mrmortons opinion may have been what he determined to be the best case for him but that doesn't mean every marriage on the rocks has to go that way. As you already know, marriage takes a lot of work and it's not always easy.

 

[ffparamedic]

Good attitude Rhendrix.....and Morton don't take it as criticism, everyone has a right to there opinion right or wrong. But marriage is a lot like soldiering, you don't leave a comrade behind no matter the cost even if it cost you yours.

You chose that partner at one time for a reason and 99% of the time that reason is still there but our focus is not the same, it takes a wakeup call to remind us.

 

[mrmorton]

If I am wrong then good but if I was a betting man I would say you are going to work your butt off to fix this and she is going to do the same. You both will be happy again but only for a short time because the reason she is not in love with you anymore is because of your natural self. its nothing personal its just how people are. It took a long time for your relationship to get to this point so maybe I am wrong because I believe in miracles and your marriage could work out.

people change over time and that is what it sounds like happened. Its neither good or bad it just is. If you guys work it out I am happy for you both. please take nothing I am saying as an attack or trying to be mean. There is more than a 50% chance it wont work especially with the caveat that you were military. The numbers dont lie.

You have a good bunch of guys on here for support and that is proof that enthusiasm never hurts. I have not met a married couple that at one time or another wanted a divorce (even the ones who seemed most happy) and many of those marriages are still together. Marriage does work.

 

[mrmorton]

^didnt want a divorce is what i meant in the last section.

 

[ffparamedic]

You are very right Morton, I'd agree that most if not all marriages haven't considered divorce and that's precisely what I meant in my post. It used to not even be an option except under the most dramatic of circumstances and even then was not condoned. The bible itself is clearly VERY against divorce and had strict guidelines for the "putting away" of a spouse. We as a society have made it so commonplace its an option that is so readily available its easier to do than to confront the real problem which is usually ourselves.

 

[rhendrix]

Hows thing going this week rhendrix? I keep checking his thread hoping for good news. It sounds like you are on the right track, just need to be patient.

Things are going good. I think I was expecting some kind of miracle turn around when I started doing all the little romantic gestures that she's been begging me to do, but I'm happy now with just the small victories. Like realizing when she cuddles up next to me at night (that hasn't happened in a very long time), or her just laughing and joking more (also hasn't happened in a long time), and I even got an "I love you" the other night, which meant the freaking world to me. I don't think I realized it until now, but, typically I'm the one that says "I love you" in normal every day conversations. This is very much a marathon that could very well take the rest of my life, I've come to terms and I'm ok with that.

She's still got a lot of stress at work, and it's whittling on her, since she's having to bring work home with her and not to focus on us (me or the kids) as much, but I just keep praying that God will lift up her spirits and give her peace. And for me to actually pray, like on bended knee coming to God and really just giving whatever is on my mind over to Him is a HUGE deal for me. I've struggled with praying and having faith in Him for a long time, and I truly believe that in order for God to build me up, he first had to break me down until I would listen to the message he was sending.

Anyways, I've rambled on enough now, thank you for all the continued prayers and positive thoughts and PM's. It means a lot, gents!

Ron

 

[rhendrix]

You are very right Morton, I'd agree that most if not all marriages haven't considered divorce and that's precisely what I meant in my post. It used to not even be an option except under the most dramatic of circumstances and even then was not condoned. The bible itself is clearly VERY against divorce and had strict guidelines for the "putting away" of a spouse. We as a society have made it so commonplace its an option that is so readily available its easier to do than to confront the real problem which is usually ourselves.

I agree wholeheartedly, I ultimately want my wife to be happy, and if she realizes that she will never be happy with me, I'd have no choice but to let her go. But I've already told her, I will never mention the word divorce again. It's just completely off the table.

 

[Kevin Dill]

When you are really in love with someone, you don't evaluate the odds, the numbers or the chances.

 

[Jeff Martin]

Things are going good. I think I was expecting some kind of miracle turn around when I started doing all the little romantic gestures that she's been begging me to do, but I'm happy now with just the small victories. Like realizing when she cuddles up next to me at night ( that hasn't happened in a very long time), or her just laughing and joking more (also hasn't happened in a long time), and I even got an "I love you" the other night, which meant the freaking world to me. I don't think I realized it until now, but, typically I'm the one that says "I love you" in normal every day conversations. This is very much a marathon that could very well take the rest of my life, I've come to terms and I'm ok with that.

She's still got a lot of stress at work, and it's whittling on her, since she's having to bring work home with her and not to focus on us (me or the kids) as much, but I just keep praying that God will lift up her spirits and give her peace. And for me to actually pray, like on bended knee coming to God and really just giving whatever is on my mind over to Him is a HUGE deal for me. I've struggled with praying and having faith in Him for a long time, and I truly believe that in order for God to build me up, he first had to break me down until I would listen to the message he was sending.

Anyways, I've rambled on enough now, thank you for all the continued prayers and positive thoughts and PM's. It means a lot, gents!

Ron

Awesome news !! Your marriage will survive. I have no doubt - if this deal was done, none of what you just described would be happening - and even then you keep trusting that someone else has control other than you. You keep doing it brother....Turn it lose....God Bless - great news !!

 

[pyroducksx3]

I'm a firefighter and we just got some real great training/seminar on how the stresses of the job effect us and how we cope and bring that stuff home, the destructive behavior stress causes us to have and how that applys to home life and relationships. Being in the military is the same beast. I would encourage you to find a counselor that understands what you have been through and can relate to what you ate going through both as a soldier and a husband. It may take some searching but they are out there. It was some very eye opening information. We have come along way from the swallow it and man up. I still tend to do this but I'm also fortunate to have had some healthy coping mechanisms wither that be excersice, light drinking, co-worker that are willing to talk and strong family. Alot of the problems you had mentioned are signs and symptoms taken basically word for word off of this training. I'm glad you are making progress and having success.

 

[Jason Snyder]

I am so glad to hear this! Great news man, if she is softening there is hope. If there is hope, there can be change.

We had a wonderful message at church this morning that I think applies here. One of the points made is that we make presumptions about God's promises, and one of those is that we presume that God promised us peace. The reality is that He promises us peace in times of trial and tribulation. It appears that you are finding that peace right now.

If you stand firm in the truth of God's word, and on the foundation of His promises, you will find your way through this. Ask for God to go Beast Mode in your life and in your marriage.

Keep hammering bro!

 

[GLB]

I am so glad to hear this! Great news man, if she is softening there is hope. If there is hope, there can be change.

We had a wonderful message at church this morning that I think applies here. One of the points made is that we make presumptions about God's promises, and one of those is that we presume that God promised us peace. The reality is that He promises us peace in times of trial and tribulation. It appears that you are finding that peace right now.


If you stand firm in the truth of God's word, and on the foundation of His promises, you will find your way through this. Ask for God to go Beast Mode in your life and in your marriage.



Keep hammering bro!

Yes!

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

Ask for God to go Beast Mode in your life and in your marriage.

Lmao that's awesome!

 

[Jason Snyder]

Lmao that's awesome!

I'd like to take credit for it, but I heard it from my very good friend, mountain biking buddy, and pastor. I loved it.

 

[ffparamedic]

Lol I read it walking in church, I kept chuckling thinking about God in "beast mode"