"Funny" TSA Thread

[7mm-08]

Seeing the traveling with ammo thread, I thought it might be entertaining to start a "funny" TSA thread. Not to bash the TSA (because they actually have a pretty challenging job), but this experience (in retrospect) was one of the most hilarious I've ever had. Picture this - I'm doing a fair amount of domestic and international travel around September 11, 2001. A few months after the New York Twin Towers attacks, I was required to travel (again) domestically in connection with my job as a GS-1811 series federal law enforcement officer. This was shortly after the TSA was created and they started the magnetometer screening, etc. I recall this experience specifically because it was the first Southwest flight I had ever been on that the captain met me before the flight and and drug me into the cockpit of the aircraft. This was (evidently) before all aircraft cockpit access doors were fortified. He flopped the jump seat down and told me in no uncertain terms that my job on the flight was to sit in the cockpit with him and the first officer facing the access door to the passenger compartment with my firearm drawn. He directed me that if ANYONE opened the door after it was closed prior to flight, I was to shoot them. Quite the directive. The TSA part of this story goes as such: at that point in time and history, all federal law enforcement officers were allowed to travel armed on domestic flights (this still holds true, by the way). The procedure was that you were required to show up two hours before the scheduled flight departure time, complete a form with the airlines, go through a credentials check and get escorted by a counter agent to the gate where you met with the gate agent handling the flight. When TSA started, the procedure was different in that there was no longer an escort by a counter agent because you had to present the airline form to TSA, which did a second credential check and you had to sign in, get checked by the Port Police and then you were on your way to the gate to meet with the gate agent. Well, I show up at TSA with my armed traveler form correctly completed, present my credentials, sign in, and get shuttled off to meet with the Port Police by a TSA supervisor. As we're walking to meet the Port Police officer, the TSA agent is asking me all sorts of questions about what I have in my possession. When he asked me if I was in possession of any edged weapon, I (stupidly) responded in the affirmative as I had a government-issued Leatherman in my briefcase, which I was carrying in my hand. This TSA guy goes ballistic. You'd have thought I was carrying a nuclear device. Well, after a very long discussion (in front of the Port Police officer) I was required by TSA to surrender my Leatherman tool to the Port Police officer for safekeeping or not be allowed to board the flight. I'll never forget the perplexed look on that officer's face when he said to the TSA supervisor: "You know he has a gun, right?" A real head scratching experience with TSA, for sure.

Any others out there?

 

[nettereo16]

Nothing like that, but my buddy pretends to really enjoy the pat downs. It’s hilarious

 

[Ferrulewax]

Not quite as crazy, but was recently overseas and brought back some canned horse meat for a buddy (don’t ask). Get to customs and report it to the customs officer/tsa agent/homeland security or whoever it was…. Well he goes ballistic.

Rounds up all the travelers in our group, confiscates our passports, threatens us with a felony, just generally looses his mind. He hands us off to another uniform dude who waits with us for our bags. After we finally get our bag, uniform #2 hands us off to uniform #3. Uniform #3 dons his safety gloves, opens our bag, and looks at the can of horse meat. After inspecting it for about 0.2 seconds he goes, “It’s canned, Y’all are good to go”. If only we had told them to begin with that it was canned…. Oh wait, we did.

 

[Billy Goat]

I might have collected these gummy edible things years ago, while visiting a state that had them easily accessible. I decided to take some home, and found a bag of gummy life savers that they looked pretty similar to.


Well going through TSA, this giant came over and grabbed my bag off the conveyer. Said sir, come with me. We went to a corner with a table where he put my backpack on and started searching it. My girlfriend at the time, now wife, was kinda flipping out, on the inside. Trying to pretend she didn't know me.

He told me my bag had tested positive for organic material, didn't really know what that meant, but was thinking damn, wasn't anything on all those signs I walked by said I couldn't have some thc gummies, but damn this trip is gonna get expensive.

He went right to the pocket that had the bag, opened it up, looked at it, said ok, have a nice flight. You know yesterday this couple came through with a whole tray of cookies, I said you leaving the country? They said no just headed home.


So I was pretty damn relieved, and maybe went and changed my underwear.

 

[Pony Soldier]

My most recent TSA experiences have lead me to avoid flying at all costs.

 

[*zap*]

the last time I flew was to hungary via amsterdam and you could smoke on all the flights. Never dealt with tsa and do not care to....

 

[maxx075]

TSA is like the retarded little brother of the ATF, so plan accordingly.

 

[GSPHUNTER]

Two of us were coming back from a hunting trip in Wisconsin, we were both carrying a couple tubs of cheese which we both really like and can only get in Wis. He went through TSA ahead of me with no problem, when I went through they took my cheese and put in in the trash. I asked, what's with that? I was informed his was okay because it was frozen and mine wasn't. WTF

 

[*zap*]

messin with a mans cheese is over the line....

 

[intunegp]

I had a .50 cal bullet (projectile only) on my keychain for years and traveled with it no problem. One fateful trip through Atlanta they decided I couldn't have it because it resembled/was part of ammunition. Didn't mean enough to me to fight with them over it, probably would have had to go through two or three more supervisors to find someone with any knowledge beyond "gun bad"

 

[2531usmc]

Not really funny, but on my next flight after 9 11 happened, TSA confiscated the P 38 can opener off my key ring. I had that can opener since boot Camp.

I guess they thought I would use it to hijack an airliner

 

[mtnwrunner]

I can't remember the airport but this was when TSA was fairly new.
The agent called me over after sending my stuff through xray.
I had sent my wallet through with my retirement badge and the dude says I can't have it because it could be used as a throwing star. I then say, "Well, I'm not giving it up and would you go get me a real cop."
Some crusty old patrol street sergeant comes over and I explain the situation to him.
He looks at the TSA dude and says "really?"
He gives me my badge back, shakes my hand and tells me I'm free to go while rolling his eyes.

Randy

 

[CorbLand]

I have never had any problems with TSA. They however didnt find it funny when I did the YMCA after the body scanner thing was done.

Flying out of Phoenix, I had a whole bunch of gas station paper towels in my cargo pocket of my pants. Scanner picked them up so they patted that area down. Dude pulls them out, kind of looks at them funny and looks at me. (There was probably 30 or so of them) I looked at him and said, "Had the shits, ran out of toilet paper." He laughed, handed them back to me and sent me on the way.

 

[displacedtexan]

I try to laugh when they get mad at me for doing what the last TSA agent made me do.

 

[TX_Diver]

I met a buddy from CA on a hunt awhile back and he brought me a 3 or 4 lb stick of Salami as they had some good stuff in a shop near his house and I don't have it nearby in WI. Think of a sausage 2-3" diameter and 18-24" long or so.

I flew home from a fairly small town in CO and It got flagged going through the scanner. The TSA screener pops open the bag and tells everyone, "Oh, he's got a giant salami!". The rest of the people in line started cracking up and she was mocked mercilessly by the rest of the TSA group there at least until I was out of earshot.

Besides that I can't really say I've had many entertaining TSA experiences across a decent amount of traveling.

 

[intunegp]

Forgot this one earlier...I was in Chicago for work attending an event with lots of distributors and manufacturers that service the industry. Coming back through O'Hare and TSA pulled my bag off the xray and began emptying it. I literally had an entire backpack full of a few personal items and a collection of free pens, flash drives, mints, rulers, etc. Anything you can imagine that a company would stick a logo on and give out as freebies.

This whole thing is very slow going as he inspects each individual item and my group of co-workers are standing back laughing at me and waiting so I asked him what he was searching for. Told me they saw a knife on the scanner. I assured him there was no knife in the bag but he had to find out on his own.

Eventually he gets near the bottom and finds this flash drive:

Not only did the airport employee not recognize it as an airplane, he made me explain to him how to remove the cap so he could verify that it did not contain a blade. Mine even had a keychain dangling off the tail.

 

[Sevens]

Was flying to Wyoming from Oakland, CA for an antelope hunt. I was 16 at the time, flying alone, and with a rifle. Had called the airline ahead of time to make sure it was okay for a minor to check a rifle and had a print out saying it was from the airline’s website.

I didn’t have much issue at the checkin counter, but was escorted over to a curtained off area for TSA to confirm that my rifle was unloaded. TSA agent pulls the rifle out of the pelican case, stares at it for a while, then asks me (the 16 year old kid) how does he check it’s unloaded.

 

[MattB]

The only negative interactions I’ve had with TSA were my own fault by bringing things I shouldn’t have. Other than that, they seem to give back what you give them. Be respectful and get respect in return.

One time I accidentally packed my mini-leatherman in my carry-on. It had a ~1” knife blade and the agent said I would have to either throw it away or I could go back out, mail it to myself, and come back through the security line. Instead, I looked him in the eye, stuck the blade in a seam in the roller system, snapped it off and threw it in the trash can. Problem solved.

He still escorted me out and made me go through the security line again.

 

[Beendare]

Here's one for you @7mm-08

I was flying from a small airport in remote Alaska to another Airport in remote AK. No TSA or check of any kind to get on the plane.

The guy in front of me- looked like an Alaska resident- had a [big] .44 Revolver in a shoulder holster under his heavy jacket and just walked on the plane with it. Later he told me it's no big deal in those remote villages.

 

[GSPHUNTER]

IMO TSA agents are just that because they wouldn't make good used car salesmen.