Traditional vs Elope

[Dos Perros]

Expensive is always a relative term and sometimes these weddings can be as much about local/regional power structures and networking as much as the couple, so that might vary greatly.

That's how it played out for us. Her dad set the date around his farming schedule and a good portion of the guests were his business relationships that were pretty much prescribed to us. It all worked out and I have no gripes.

 

[roosiebull]

Those that have gotten married, if you could do it all over again would you do a traditional wedding or Elope?

I would leave that up to the lady, and the vast majority would pick traditional wedding. I think that’s a pretty important compromise we should make for them, because it’s a big deal to them

I don’t plan on doing it a second time so it’s worth it to make that day special for them, it’s something women think about from a pretty young age, and I wouldn’t want to take that away from them.

We are too simple for our own good a lot of times, women are certainly wired differently, but I think a traditional marriage is very important to most women, even if they act like it’s not

 

[SloppyJ]

We eloped to Antigua, just the two of us. It was great. I have no regrets. So much less drama and didn't waste a ton of money on a damn wedding. If you have a logical bride that hasn't dreamed of a fairytale wedding her whole life, 100% do this. We started to invite only family and then I got weird on who we invite and who we don't invite so we didn't invite anyone.

I say this as my mom and grandma have passed away since I've been married. They're more practical people and even though I know they wanted to go, they respected our decision. Because of the lack of BS, I still 100% think it was the way to go.

 

[TN2shot07]

Has anyone considered that getting through a traditional wedding is meant to be a test of the couple's mettle? It's a pretty good way to find out how financially responsible someone is, how organized they are, how they react to stress, what's actually important to them, etc.

I don’t think anything you listed is something you shouldn’t be trying to sort out during the dating phase? If you’re surprised by someone being financially irresponsible after you married them that’s on you for not paying attention…

 

[CMP70306]

A 5 day road trip before getting married would be a great test of the couple's mettle.

We did that for the honeymoon, 6 days and 1,000 miles on the rental car starting in Bozeman and ending in Cody. With the exception of heading down the mountain out the east entrance of Yellowstone in a freezing rain there was zero stress on that trip and it was great.

 

[Jmort1754]

We've lived together 3 years
Dated 3 1:2
Have a 16 month old

I've been married before
I'm 8 years older

She's open to view points

 

[intunegp]

I don't think anybody can decide that but you and her.

If there is any hint, feeling, or implication that you are talking her out of her dream wedding to go elope instead, you need to suck it up and have the traditional wedding.

 

[307]

We've lived together 3 years
Dated 3 1:2
Have a 16 month old

I've been married before
I'm 8 years older

She's open to view points

I think you're functionally married at this point so I'd just get the paper and maybe throw a bit of a party. I think tradition left the chat a while ago. It's easier and simpler that way.

 

[EastHumboldt]

My brother says “Why make one woman miserable for a long time, when you can make so many of them happy for a a little while?”

I eloped. It was just the two of us and a preacher. We stayed married almost 20 years and I don’t think we’d have made it a year if we’d allowed either of our parents to stay involved. Anybody who gets butt hurt about your wedding needs to get their own life, and to be told kindly but firmly to stay out of yours.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had two great loves in my life that I’ve been with for 20 or more years each. (Still going strong with the second one). It’s just all that pressure that’s put on a big showy wedding that makes me shake my head. Take all that money and put it towards a house or a honeymoon or an investment.

My best friend is getting married next year. Thank god I am not invited.

 

[MNGrouser]

If I had it to do over again? I wouldn't have married her. The divorce was more expensive than the traditional wedding we had.

 

[Treeratslayer]

We kinda eloped. Think 10 people counting the photographer on my farm during Covid. Wouldn’t change a thing. Only thing I missed out on was all the free crap from people. We planned to throw a home warming to cash in on that but covid never ended and we never got around to it.


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[Huckelfin]

Elope! Make it about you, and not have to try to make your extended family (that you may or may not give a **** about) happy and spend $30k in one day!

 

[Dos Perros]

I don’t think anything you listed is something you shouldn’t be trying to sort out during the dating phase? If you’re surprised by someone being financially irresponsible after you married them that’s on you for not paying attention…

Like anything, it’s another data point. A traditional wedding offers lots of data points.

 

[RufusB.Marion]

My wife and I went the small wedding route and I couldn't have enjoyed it more. Cost less than $10k, were able to have all of our closest family and friends there, plus we just chose the food and booze my wife and I liked. No complaints, would absolutely do it again if time wound itself back.

 

[307]

Like anything, it’s another data point. A traditional wedding offers lots of data points.

OK... But its timing within the process is a bit off unless one would be willing to walk away as a result of the new data. It seems that by the time of wedding planning, and especially by the time of the wedding itself, the decision making process is already over.

Ready, Fire, Aim isn't an ideal sequence of events, and even less optimal when no second shot is available...

 

[william schmaltz]

Depends if you are wanting to get married through your shared religion or your government. We could care less if the government was involved in our marriage. Being married on a beach or backyard by a drunk buddy carried the same weight for us as just saying “I love you” in the living room and filing paperwork at the courthouse for tax benefits. National divorce rate is about 50%. It’s about 20% for people married in a church. Turns out tying your faith to something larger than the individual is a pretty major factor in marriage success. Just something to consider.

We got married in our church and then rented a large B and B to party after. We both have large families and friend circles, so it would’ve been hard to not have a wedding with a few hundred people in the Midwest where we’re from. So we got married in Alaska. Still invited the same people. About 100 close friends and family came. Felt like a perfect size. Catered in wood fired pizza cooked on site. Put our canoe in the yard and filled it with beer, wine, and ice for an open “bar”. Hired a DJ we met at a bar for a few hundred bucks to play music a few hours. And then we bought a fire pit and played games in the midnight sun. It was very affordable in the end and the size and casual nature of it all was perfect.

 

[Dos Perros]

OK... But its timing within the process is a bit off unless one would be willing to walk away as a result of the new data. It seems that by the time of wedding planning, and especially by the time of the wedding itself, the decision making process is already over.

Ready, Fire, Aim isn't an ideal sequence of events, and even less optimal when no second shot is available...

Ah, I get that perspective. I would say life isn't ideal. Sometimes people find out their spouse is a shitty parent after they've had kids. Also, sometimes people can learn from their experiences and improve.

My perspective is that the delta in spend for an elopement vs traditional wedding is like $10k, $20k, something like that. Relative to the $4M a couple will need to retire it's in the noise. And I am biased towards experiences and learning opportunities when the financial aspect can be ignored. Y'all might be different than me, and that's fine.

One thing I know for certain: life and marriage is sure as shit going to be tougher than dating and an engagement. It just is. My wife and I have both been challenged in our point-wedding lives and marriage (stuff like unemployment or shitty employment, child with health issues, etc). I'm glad I got to go through that stuff with her, and hopefully her with me, and not with someone else. Maybe you can't ever really know how someone would react in a certain situation. And you never know what the future holds. Who you choose to marry is the most important decision anyone ever makes.

 

[307]

I think citing "divorce rate" is a red herring when it comes to evaluating marriage. Staying married is a poor proxy for being happy or fulfilled in marriage and IMO staying in an unhappy/toxic marriage is one of the most disappointing ways to spend this one life we get to live.

YMMV

 

[wind gypsy]

My wedding got cancelled on by 2 venues in 2020 cuz COVID and we ended up renting a AIRbnb and sent it with just our parents, siblings, and 3 friends + their spouses. Friends cooked, officiated, and photographed (one happened to do that for a living). It was freaking awesome and i'm glad it played out that way. We made $ when all was said and done and it wasn't a drain on our parents to do so.

 

[LeftyWilbury]

depends on how many people you(r parents) are going to invite
ours was a "big" wedding...150+ people and it was only tolerable bc other than inviting all their old friends our parents didn't have a say in anything
and we were able to do it for dirt cheap in 2005

now if we hadn't been able to rent out the old summer camp i used to go to and work at that had cabins and a stage and dining hall up in some mountains away from everything where all our drunk friends couldn't escape and get arrested, we would have been hard-pressed to rationalize a big event


BUT you can also just elope and then invite your friends over for a party. even if you buy all the booze it'd less expensive and probably more fun

my mom would have been hella disappointed if we eloped, and i'd still be hearing about it today. so choose wisely ha