Memorable lines from grandpas

[Jackelope]

“Get your ass out of bed and get to work!”

That was probably the phrase from either of them that taught me the most.

 

[Drenalin]

"You candyass."

That's what my grandfather would say if I complained or if I put sugar or cream in my coffee. Taught me to drink my coffee black when I was 10 years old, and I still do. Who wants to be a candyass?

 

[Texowa]

"You know your old when you sit on the potty and your balls get wet"

 

[ceejay]

Not mine but my buddies grandpa. They went to their farm/hunting camp one summer to do some chores which was a several hour drive from their home. They went to the shed looking for a tool his grandpa knew that they had but it couldn't be found after tearing the shed apart looking for it. Finally his grandpa gave my friend and his cousin $20 bill and told them to drive into the local town ACE hardware store and buy the tool. The best part is he said "and when we are done with it throw it over the f@cking hill so we don't bother to look for it next time". It just cracks me up thinking of an old grandpa saying that to 2 teenage boys. The stories of his grandpa and endless and hilarious.

 

[zacattack]

Mine both died when I was really young, but I had a neighbor who had served in the navy during WW2 that used to tell me all kind of crazy stuff. Some of his favorite saying were:

“When the frost is on the pumpkin, that’s the time for dinky dunkin”

“Let’s see what’s on the old idiot box” his name for the tv

“Can’t eat antlers or tracks”

“Some folks would speed on the road to hell if they thought they’d get there faster” would always say this after someone passed him on the highway

“There’s always room on a one lane dirt road for U turn if you’re driving a truck” this one was confusing until he floored it in his truck from a dead stop while simultaneously turning the steering all the way, thought I was either about to die or puke my guts out in his truck.

 

[H2PVon]

Grandpas favorite saying

"No fat chicks"

He was a character, not really a saying but one story sticks out. He had 4 daughters, my Mom being one of them. He had to get a colonoscopy at like 75 years old and the daughters made the mistake of asking if it went ok.
"They told me there was going to be a slight discomfort and then a little pop. I felt some discomfort and then it felt like a cannon went off in my ass! " Then something along the lines of "What the hell is wrong with those people? Who thought up that idea?" etc etc.

 

[badshot]

Most of the ones I remember fondly have already been said but here are to other classics from my youth.

"That's more d*cked up that a soup sandwich"

"Quit laying around with your d*ck in the dirt"

"If you are looking for sympathy, its right between Sh*t and syphilis in the dictionary!"

You can tell he was a compassionate man.... Damn I miss him.

 

[Diesel]

Grandpa to me about my dad:
“He don’t mind well”
Grandpa to telemarketer:
“I dont know you from a bale of hay”
Grandpa to me:
“Always give every person you meet a compliment to make them feel good”
Theres a bunch i dont remember too but ive been lucky to hunt with him for 20+ years. Hes 93 and still goes out dancing and sells real estate to this day. On his bucket list was to shoot an elk so last year I put together a trip. He got a big spike on public land with a crossbow at 53 yards!! As we left the atvs before he got his elk he said “Now quit being so loud and screwing around. We’re hunting!”

That pic of your Granddad made my day. You come from good stock.

 

[Diesel]

She would even kick with her legs cut off.

If she had as many d**ks sticking out of her as she had stuck in her she'd look like a porcupine.

If you're doing one thing wrong you better not be doing two things wrong.

After being criticized on his cooking by my friend at camp, my Godfather dumped us out at the base of a cliff to start a drive. Knowing that he was pissed, I later asked why I was punished with my friend. His response was " when they raid the whorehouse they take the piano player too."

 

[SonnyDay]

My mom used this one on my brother and I as kids, which came from her dad: "Better to remain silent and let people assume you're an idiot, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."

Another one from my mom (from her dad) when my brother or I would complain that life wasn't fair... she'd say: "You're damn right life's not fair, and you should be thankful of that, because you'd have a lot less than you have if it was." Use that one on my own kids now... not that we are wealthy by any stretch, but we are comfortable enough (and many are not).

My dad'd dad was quite a colorful character.... and many of his sayings can't be repeated here. One of my favorites though: "Boy, you're so dumb you could fall into a barrel of tits and come out sucking your thumb!"

 

[AZmark]

My Dad used to tell me when taking his truck out on for a date "Dont be getting pecker tracks on my seat!"

What I used to tell my two boys "Do you know what they call people that use condoms for birth control.....parents!

Also...."Don't go hunting with someone who s...hits too close to camp"

My Moms latest favorite " Im so old that I dont buy green bananas.

 

[Bronc]

“Use your head for something besides a hat rack”
Anytime I did something stupid.

 

[lyingflatlander]

I was fortunate enough to grow up and work on a commercial fishing vessel on the bay of Green Bay from when I was 12 years old until I was 23. Although not my father or grandparents, these old guys were the salt of the earth. The perch we chased were always known as “the sons of b*****s”. Our competition would be referred the first time by the vessel or last name of the fisherman, followed by “those sons of b*****s“ for the rest of the conversation. I learned a lot of simple blue collar philosophy on that vessel that I think about all the time today. #1 People are cheap. #2 People are phony. #3 People will grandstand every chance they can get. As far as one liners:
Its the kiss of death...
He’s a chest thumper...
He’s a real Jim Dandy...
Destiny...
The joys and pleasures of a dog...
Weather man lie!
That’s what the man said!
Life is hell- a common saying for just about anything that can go wrong on a fishing vessel. Miss those years and all the men in them.

 

[cerec_cat]

If you want to dance...you have to pay the fiddler

Do you know where cousins come from?....aunt holes

 

[canuckhunter]

Never mistake kindness for weakness. Then a good swat on the butt!!

 

[Antarctica]

I haven't read through the whole thread (I will) but don't want to forget these while they are in my head. The impact of the great depression on my grandfather's life was not lost on me nor he.

"A half a loaf is better than none"

"An inch is a good as a mile"

"Lead or follow, or get the hell out of the way"

"Make do, fix up, or do without"

My grandfather was an awesome person. He went from rags to (modest) riches by coupling opportunity with hard work. He was generous and wanted to see his children and grandkids prosper. Can't say that last trait rubbed off on my old man, who seems to revel in our tribulations.

 

[Oregon]

45 years ago.
“The absolute biggest waste of real estate is golf courses and cemeteries”

 

[NYyotekiller]

“It’s colder than a well diggers ass out there”

 

[WannabeHunter]

"Hard to feed a family with well intentions."

My dad loved to play this game. We'd be installing a ceiling fan, lifting furniture, fixing plumbing etc and then right when the helper (me) was in a precarious position he'd say
"just hold it right there, left something in the truck" and he'd leave for what felt like forever before coming back and saying "what you doin' still holdin' that?"

 

[Holeintheheadgang]

When making a compliment.
That's nicer then a brick Shit House!!!