Issues with a high school coach

[flatlanderhuffandpuff]

A coach needs to be able to operate as they see fit to be effective. Too many parents want to push and pull because their kid doesn't get enough time. When our kids go off to practice we are handing the authority to make decisions over them to the coach. I wouldn't make a habit of approaching the coach with things you "want to see done differently".

With that being said there are clear lines that can't be crossed without, at a minimum, a personal conversation. Beyond that It's time to petition for a change in coaches.

I had really great coaches in high school so I don't have first hand experience with this.

 

[180ls1]

Is there an assistant coach?

 

[rclouse79]

Curious about opinions. We just finished up basketball season and there were some definite coaching concerns. Here are a list of concerns.

Making fun of kid with hearing impairment in front of team thinking he’s being funny or joking as one of the guys.

After a loss singling out individual athletes in the locker room and telling the team they lost because that kid underperformed that game.

After a loss telling team in locker room that it’s his fault because he subbed in the bench too soon and they shouldn’t have played as much.

Telling kids that they would play a certain amount of time each quarter and playing them zero minutes.

Belittling a kid that started the season late essentially telling him he was a little bitch last season and not to do be a little bitch. (That kid quit the next day and is a phenomenal player that moved to this school to play the previous season.)

I’ve heard from 3 parents that their kids probably won’t play ball for that coach next year. 2 of the boys played AAU with my son and love basketball and are great kids.

I have mixed feelings about the situation, a bunch of the above IMO is unacceptable and defiantly shows the coach is not a great mentor or good coach. However my son is an extremely hard worker and started varsity all season as a sophomore. I don’t want to flag my kid as a problem with the school and don’t want him to be retaliated against if we bring the issues up with the school.

My wife feels 100% like we should bring it to the school, our son doesn’t want us to and I am on the fence. My wife already mentioned the hearing stuff to the kids parent who had already been to the school to talk to them because the coach had been yelling at their son. There son didn’t mention the joking/making fun of him to his parents, probably because he didn’t want them to freak out. But I feel like if it was bad enough our son felt compelled to tell us about it that we should tell them.

Curious if others have felt with similar issues and have advice. The last thing I want to do is cause my kid issues. He’s going to be a starter and the #1 kid on the team the next couple of years and is already a two time state champ in cross so I don’t want to cause him issues with the school. I also want him to know that it isn’t OK for a coach/mentor to be bringing kids down and belittling them driving down confidence.

Thoughts?

I have been a high school teacher for over 20 years and coached track and cross country for the first 14 years. I only joke around with kids that I feel like I have a positive relationship with, and I always try to keep things fun and good natured. If that coach did belittle a kid for something they have no control over they should be fired immediately in my opinion. I bet they would change their tune pretty quick if confronted by the parents or administration. It is amazing how peoples attitude does a 180 when what they do in the dark is brought into the light.
My son started on the sophomore high school team as a freshman this year. As a parent I am a huge fan of him being coached hard so he can improve. That being said, there are certain lines that should never be crossed. I feel like most high schoolers would benefit having a coach who takes the kid gloves off and tells them what they need to hear. I think being a basketball coach would be extremely difficult. With playing time decisions, you are never going to make everyone happy. Some coaches do a much better job than others. If what you said about him is accurate it sounds like you got a lemon. I would share what you know with your athletic director and hope for a replacement that is better for kids.

 

[Dos Perros]

Fact and one of the truest things ever posted on RS. lol

The audacity of someone to take significant time and emotion out of their real life to improve the lives of kids that otherwise mean nothing to them.

 

[svivian]

That coach probably already gets an earful from many parents as most coaches do. You going to him or the school is not going to change anything.

In my opinion, it is much more impactful when the player goes to his coach. This is the process of building respect for the player as well as for the coach. If mom and dad step in this wont develop.

Aside from the impairment mocking.... which we dont know the entire story on. I dont see any big issue. There are alot of different coaching styles, along with that, players react differently to each as well. theres no pleasing every player, parent or coach.

I butted heads with my coaches alot. Not because I didnt like them but because i challenged them as much as they challenged me. They all respected me for that, and I was team captain for it. And looking back on some of the things i didnt like at the time, i realize now were the best decisions for the team.

Kids who just quit because they are afraid of talking to their coach or dont want to deal with it... well show that lack of confidence that the coach might be pointing out.

If your kid is fine with it, I wouldn't get involved. If hes not, then he needs to step up and voice those concerns with the coach, especially if hes the best player and leader of the team. Each parent and child can make their own decisions on what they want to do.

 

[Dos Perros]

I had some valid grievances with a high school coach and never once even considering griping to or otherwise getting my parents involved. I either handled my own stuff or accepted the consequences of my own inaction. There is a threshold sure where parents get involved, I'm not sure what has been posted is it (for the OP).

 

[Coveyleader]

That coach probably already gets an earful from many parents as most coaches do. You going to him or the school is not going to change anything.

In my opinion, it is much more impactful when the player goes to his coach. This is the process of building respect for the player as well as for the coach. If mom and dad step in this wont develop.

Aside from the impairment mocking.... which we dont know the entire story on. I dont see any big issue. There are alot of different coaching styles, along with that, players react differently to each as well. theres no pleasing every player, parent or coach.

I butted heads with my coaches alot. Not because I didnt like them but because i challenged them as much as they challenged me. They all respected me for that, and I was team captain for it. And looking back on some of the things i didnt like at the time, i realize now were the best decisions for the team.

Kids who just quit because they are afraid of talking to their coach or dont want to deal with it... well show that lack of confidence that the coach might be pointing out.

If your kid is fine with it, I wouldn't get involved. If hes not, then he needs to step up and voice those concerns with the coach, especially if hes the best player and leader of the team. Each parent and child can make their own decisions on what they want to do.

Unfortunately, most parents decide what "they want to do". I get the original post, but I've seen so many parents be the root cause of everything, it's gotten to the point, I would almost side with the coach far more often than a group of parents wearing skinny jeans, drinking their white claws, and planning their next travel trip. I'm sorry, it's that sour these days.

 

[Dos Perros]

I had some valid grievances with a high school coach and never once even considering griping to or otherwise getting my parents involved. I either handled my own stuff or accepted the consequences of my own inaction. There is a threshold sure where parents get involved, I'm not sure what has been posted is it (for the OP).

I'll add, a few years later I chatted with this coach in his driveway, like friendly chat while I was in college and I decided to get things off my chest. I let him know what he did pissed me off and why, and he said he could see why that would have pissed me off and apologized. It was kind of cathartic and eye opening for me that adults make mistakes too. I just kinda thought everything was my fault because I was often wrong in my youth (still am probably). That was a valuable life lesson for me.

 

[MallardSX2]

The audacity of someone to take significant time and emotion out of their real life to improve the lives of kids that otherwise mean nothing to them.

Not all of them are ass hats but from my experiences, I would say its 50%.........which fits the "Full of" category in my book.

The 50% who are in it to improve the lives of kids I can and have respected.

Unfortunately, the other 50% of coaches are narcissistic, raging, lunatics that are on a power trip and just want to be in control of other people.

I have seen and been on the receiving end of both types.

 

[Jimmy]

At that age I kinda liked it when a coach or older friend would tease me for something I wasn't good at. Everyone was already thinking it in their head. This way we all had a good laugh and moved on. Everyone else got ribbed, why leave me out? I could see a coach trying to do this, and it not connecting with some kids at all.

I don't know, I wasn't there in your situation so I can't say really what I would do.

 

[Beendare]

What lessons do you want your son to learn from how you handle this?

Exactly.
Terrible.......... but part of learning to be a successful adult is having a bad boss ...or a bad coach.


Mike Krzyzewski famously said he learned everything he needed to know about coaching under the hothead chair throwing Bobby Knight- insinuating for those that don't know the story, he learned everything NOT to do.

If you do step in make sure its as a group of concerned parents.....

 

[KenLee]

Are the school board meetings livestreamed?
That's your avenue to make sure the school doesn't bury the problem.

 

[Crowmangler]

Haven't read all the posts but as a dad of 2 boys in HS that play 3 sports & travel ball year-round (I did the same) I've seen every example of great to horrible when it comes to coaches & straight up bull shit.
I continuously tell my boys that the first thing as a man they need to understand is that life is not fair & there are times when you are force fed shit & you just have to eat it. The solution to playing time, etc. is always to work harder and out hustle the other guy & make yourself better.
I've only ever spoken up once to a coach directly because he stated selections would be determined from black & white numbers everyone could see & they weren't.
I also got volunteered to meet with the superintendent about a coach that needed to be fired / replaced but there was a 10+ year track record of failure to make our case. I didn't bring up any drama or BS, just facts & it was successful.
Sometimes you have to stand up for those who can't. Someone has to be the ass hole to call out bad people & help right a wrong. Deciding when to do it is the tough part.

 

[LostArra]

I think in his late 20’s

Just what I figured. He won't be around the coaching world very long. I realize that doesn't help the situation now. I would recommend a sit down with your son. He needs to be onboard with your plan moving forward.
Players (seniors?) talking to the coach about his behavior towards the kid with the hearing issue could solve that problem or lead the coach directly to the exit door.
I hope it works out but the coach needs an attitude overhaul or a different line of work.

 

[Dos Perros]

Not all of them are ass hats but from my experiences, I would say its 50%.........which fits the "Full of" category in my book.

The 50% who are in it to improve the lives of kids I can and have respected.

Unfortunately, the other 50% of coaches are narcissistic, raging, lunatics that are on a power trip and just want to be in control of other people.

I have seen and been on the receiving end of both types.

Your percentage is much much higher than mine. I can only think of one coach in all my life that was even close to a raging lunatic. If I factor in my sister's career I can add one raging narcissist for sure.

 

[Gseith]

I would say something. I just went through this with my boy’s hockey coach this year. I listened to my boy complain that his coach was picking on him for months. I kept telling him he’s just tough on you, suck it up.
Seasons over and it got so bad I noticed the coach’s behavior. I just didn’t want to be “that” parent to complain. This isn’t AAA youth hockey, he’s only played for 2 seasons, but he puts everything out there on the ice. Last year didn’t score a goal. This year he scored the most on the team (actually double what the 2nd highest scorer) Had the most assist.
Season is over and he doesn’t want to play next year. I have a list of things he put up, and I should have said something sooner.
We told the league about what he put up with and said we won’t be back.
They apologized and said the coach won’t be back. I was surprised and didn’t expect them to bend to one kid, but apparently more parents complained.

 

[roadrunner]

We already brought the hearing stuff to the attention of the kids parents, I don’t think it’s our place to address it.

My reservation is that I don’t really have a dog in the fight, my kid is the youngest kid on the team and started all season long. He absolutely loves sports and his friends and is a huge part of a 2 time state champ team at the school and is on course for 4 state championships. (Not basketball)

He was called out a couple times through the season, once the coach essentially said if he would have made his shots the team would have won. To me that makes the guy a dick and poor coach, but I also don’t think that’s grounds to complain to the AD. Some of the stuff he did to other kids is what is really crappy but I don’t want my kid to suffer for us trying to do the just thing for all the other kids.

My wife disagrees with me and thinks that the only reason I don’t want to bring it to the AD is because of our son and it’s not fair to the other kids or future kids on the team. While I agree with her I selfishly don’t want to get involved to cause drama for my kid. Either way he will play pretty much the entirety of every game for the next couple years because he will be the best kid on the team, all the other starters graduated this year. I don’t want him to have to deal with a pissed off coach the next couple years either because he loves basketball.

In a perfect world the parents of the kid that was discriminated against would take it to the AD or School board and they would address it. Although all of this is just hearsay from a bunch of teenage boys so I’m not sure how much weight it would hold with the administrators.

I was simply making a statement is all.

 

[PredatorSlayer]

Unless your son wants it addressed or the coach does something to him, I would let it go. Most high school coaches suck, in every sport, and you just have to deal with it.

 

[sndmn11]

The only time a parent needs to get involved in high school sports, is if there is imminent physical harm or sexual abuse. I don't read any of that in the description.

Young adults play high school sports to learn to be grown adults. The venue is there for mistakes to be made, self discovery, interpersonal development, and so many other things associated with "play". The actual scoreboard result has zero implication on the rest of the young adult's life, but the path getting to that last high school game sure does.

If the hearing impairment mockery was bad enough, the son in question, the hearing impaired, or any other player would speak up about it. Let the young adults grow and learn to stick up against injustices. A tight knit team or friend group wouldn't have any issue in having their bro's back. A leader wouldn't stand by.

The other stuff make him sound like a coach who isn't there to coddle.

Sports parents should show up and cheer on great effort and great play by everyone involved, even the other team. Even if your kid rides the pine, be a great example and let them grow without interfering.

 

[Maverick1]

Curious about opinions. We just finished up basketball season and there were some definite coaching concerns. Here are a list of concerns.

Making fun of kid with hearing impairment in front of team thinking he’s being funny or joking as one of the guys.

After a loss singling out individual athletes in the locker room and telling the team they lost because that kid underperformed that game.

After a loss telling team in locker room that it’s his fault because he subbed in the bench too soon and they shouldn’t have played as much.

Telling kids that they would play a certain amount of time each quarter and playing them zero minutes.

Belittling a kid that started the season late essentially telling him he was a little bitch last season and not to do be a little bitch. (That kid quit the next day and is a phenomenal player that moved to this school to play the previous season.)

I’ve heard from 3 parents that their kids probably won’t play ball for that coach next year. 2 of the boys played AAU with my son and love basketball and are great kids.

I have mixed feelings about the situation, a bunch of the above IMO is unacceptable and defiantly shows the coach is not a great mentor or good coach. However my son is an extremely hard worker and started varsity all season as a sophomore. I don’t want to flag my kid as a problem with the school and don’t want him to be retaliated against if we bring the issues up with the school.

My wife feels 100% like we should bring it to the school, our son doesn’t want us to and I am on the fence. My wife already mentioned the hearing stuff to the kids parent who had already been to the school to talk to them because the coach had been yelling at their son. There son didn’t mention the joking/making fun of him to his parents, probably because he didn’t want them to freak out. But I feel like if it was bad enough our son felt compelled to tell us about it that we should tell them.

Curious if others have felt with similar issues and have advice. The last thing I want to do is cause my kid issues. He’s going to be a starter and the #1 kid on the team the next couple of years and is already a two time state champ in cross so I don’t want to cause him issues with the school. I also want him to know that it isn’t OK for a coach/mentor to be bringing kids down and belittling them driving down confidence.

Thoughts?

Around most places - if those infractions became public - the coach would most likely get fired.