Dads of Rokslide

[jmez]

The two most important things your children need and desire. Your time and attention.

 

[rileybassman]

I can’t thank you men enough. These have been incredible to read on this gloomy morning at work. My wife is due in November with our first baby girl and to say I’m a bit nervous would be an understatement

Congrats! Being a dad is one of the greatest gifts possible!

I'm a father of 3 boys - my oldest is doing his first youth hunt this year and he is over the moon excited It's been years of "snack hikes with a rifle" but he has the bug. My middle seems less interested at this point, but that's ok!

Make sure you prioritize fun when taking them out - we cram his bag full of snacks and try and choose nice weather. I took him out in snow last year and intentionally wore one less layer so I would be uncomfortable quicker to remind myself of what he was probably feeling. We went on an easy antelope hunt last year and he still talks about it being one of his favorite memories.

Be a strong and kind source of love and support for your wife - it can be a wild ride over the next several years Your kids should know that you and your wife's relationship is the "priority" and that even though you love your kids desperately, you and mommy need to have time to yourselves to be healthy and that when you two are doing well, then the kids will thrive too. It's an interesting phenomenon, but the current "kid first, kid first" trend is not a healthy way for them to live. Kids are tough and flexible, determine the schedule/priorities for your family, and they will adapt and thrive. "Family" means each member will have times of need, times to shine, times to support, and times of center stage... learning how to work together is a beautiful thing!

The old adage of "Caretaker" to "Cop" to "Coach" to "Counselor" is pretty spot on... some days I feel like we are all 4 at the same time lol.

You will do great! Kids are resilient and observant - they will see you make mistakes and they will see you thrive - make both scenarios a lesson!

Congrats!

 

[bucksanducks12]

Been there (they're 6th, 7th, and 9th grade now) pay attention to that second part of my reply, 3 is gonna strain ya. You're in zone coverage now and for one person to get a break they'll take on 3.

I’ll for sure be heeding the warning! It will be a wild ride, but looking forward to it.

 

[dsotm]

First year and a half or so is rough, once they're talking and out of diapers they are so much fun

 

[rileybassman]

Been there (they're 6th, 7th, and 9th grade now) pay attention to that second part of my reply, 3 is gonna strain ya. You're in zone coverage now and for one person to get a break they'll take on 3.

Amen! We have 3 boys... the zone coverage is real, and I swear at least 1 boy is "always open" it feels like lol

 

[Sneaker]

Love them while you have them. When they start moving out you won’t be wishing you had gone on more hunting trips by yourself, you just won’t. When I had two very little kids I went on some hunting trips that I should not have, leaving my wife to carry the load that still haunts me because it was rough on her. I shouldn’t have gone on those. Communication is key. Now that my 5 kids are all in school, life is so much easier for us parents and my wife almost doesn’t care when I go or for how long because the kids are great and almost take care of themselves and usually at least one or two of them come with me most the time anyway now. Don’t force them to do activities they don’t like.

 

[Carr5vols]

20 years goes by way too fast. Enjoy and be engaged every second you can.

 

[CorbLand]

Amen! We have 3 boys... the zone coverage is real, and I swear at least 1 boy is "always open" it feels like lol

My mom raised three boys by herself. One day I asked her "how did you do it?" She told me that she had to accept that as long as we made it home and we were still alive, that was good enough.

 

[WesternSlope]

Something you can do right now, pre-baby, is learn about sleep training. Spend an hour or two reading the different theories. It will look different when baby is here then you imagine it now. Still, learn a little about it now because trying to learn when sleep deprived is difficult. There’s a whole cottage industry of “experts” selling books or podcasts or overpriced educational programs because sleep deprived people will spend big bucks on something that initially sounds like a miracle cure. I know a lot of people who sleep trained their second baby different than their first and wish they could redo that with their first. It’s also one of those subjects everyone has an opinion on and wants you to share/validate their opinion. A lot of those people have grade school kids who sleep horribly and don’t know why. Consider the source.

 

[archp625]

When you get pissed and are frustrated, just remember the days are long but the years are fast.

 

[BravoNovember]

I also had to learn a new level of patience. The saying “don’t cry over spilled milk” goes for mom and dad too.

 

[Beendare]

If you had one piece of advice for a first timer (me), what would that be?

Kids imprint early. Your actions will have a much bigger effect on them even at a very young age than one would think.

a couple examples; My buddy kicked the soccer ball with his sone every day when he got home from the time that kid could walk. Jacob went on to get a scholarship to a D1 school for soccer.

I read to my kids every night from the time they were infants...and they went on to be great students- Stanford and Notre Dame with excellent mental acuity.
____

The other thing I would say is just be there for them...and be steady in your discipline.....if you are all over the place, they will be all over the place. That steadiness really helps when they get into their teens and think they know it all.

FWIW, All of the C suite Tech exec's I do projects for limit their kids exposure to tech...limiting their screen time.

 

[kpk]

These are the threads that make me like this community so much. I posted years ago after having our daughter when I was struggling as a new father and got lots of solid advice.

One of the most important things I was once told and really stuck...."It may not mean anything to you, but it means the world to them". My daughter used to pick up every red leaf she could find in the fall and it was a huge deal to her when she found them, and then she always gave them to me or mom. You have to understand how small their world is and why little things mean so much to them. Don't dismiss them or those moments.

My daughter turns 6 in a couple weeks. I always did everything I could with her and I still feel like I missed out. Spend as much time as you can with them when they're little because you can't get that time back.

Take pictures and video of everything. I use Snapchat on my phone as it's easier/faster to get to video and then simply hit the download button to save it to your phone - and then have a plan to back them up! Whether you back up to cloud or a drive or whatever....back them up...twice. You only get one shot to capture those moments and those pictures and video clips will become priceless to you. (Don't distract or stop them from doing what they're doing, capture it naturally).

Everyone has bad days. I constantly have to remind myself of that. You're going to learn how to be a father, and they'll be learning to be a kid, along with everything else. The things that used to make me mad and lose my marbles....weren't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. If you're not still going to be mad about it tomorrow - then it's probably not worth being mad about it now either. I had to learn to chill out and walk away for a few minutes. I'm not at all saying to dismiss bad behavior but you need to turn the negatives into positives. They're teachable moments and you should treat them as such. "Everyone has a bad day once in awhile, we'll do better tomorrow".

 

[WesternSlope]

A fun thing I like to tell people about is a Pikler triangle. It’s this A frame ladder looking thing developed by a pediatrician; Dr. Pikler. It’s made of plywood and dowel rods that’s about knee high. A pediatric OT told us about it. It felt overpriced for what we were getting. But kids will start trying to grab and climb on it as soon as they can crawl. Even when they’re like precrawling. I feel like my boys developed good balance early on and my wife and I are aren’t particularly athletic. At the park I’ll have friends see my kids and be like “you going to let him climb that high?” And the reality is I trust my kids judgment with climbing and such. A lot of that started with this silly plywood triangle in my basement. Not a “have to have” kind of thing but definitely a positive memory

 

[Burnsie]

As a dad, don’t let your wife do all the early hard work. You start bonding with your kid the moment they are born (before that, actually). A lot of dads fall into the trap of letting mom do all the comforting, putting to sleep, diaper changes, etc. Get in the game from day one! Develop that bond. Even babies have personalities… get to know yours. You’re already at a huge disadvantage compared to mom… so you need to work at it. That bond will pay dividends when they hit school age, the teens, the 20’s… but it starts on day one.

^^^This
You have to work extra hard and take every opportunity available to bond with your child right from the start, because Mom is just naturally going to get more of the bonding time, especially if Mom is nursing. When babies are nursed full time they develop such an intense bond with Mom it is incredible. Because of the closeness and soothing nature of nursing Mom becomes their whole world.
Don't be discouraged if you are not able to sooth your baby or make them happy. I can't remember how many hours I've spent bobbing/walking a screaming baby around the living room trying to sooth them so Mom could have a break - almost wear a path in the carpet, getting frustrated because nothing will work. Then mom comes and takes over and starts whispering to them and they immediately become calm.

 

[Nine Banger]

A single kid feels like a lot of work because its a shift from not having a little thing to take care of but if we're honest in hindsight one kid is not that much of a load for two adults. Anyone that has 2 or more kids will testify to that reality. Two is alot more load and 3+ is whack a mole mode.

Don't loose sight of your relationship, make sure open and clear communication is prioritized (need BOTH on board) so neither party develops a resentment. Neither party should utterly sacrifice themselves (real or imagined) to prop up the child and other spouse. Both parties need to be seen and appreciated for what they're putting into the situations. If that isn't happening get in front of that issue, including counseling if needed, cause that is the stuff the erodes away a relationship in the wake of kids imho.

This is all real right here.

I underestimated the work load of 2 kids and suffered at work (self employed) for 6 months equalizing. I figured we had all the stuff and had already done it and marginalized an unforseen force multiplier. This doesn't apply to OP but I can tell other folks are looking.

Your wife will not give you a free pass on your relationship because of all the new work load with the kid.

 

[cnelk]

Time flies - make the most of it

 

[PVHunter]

There're some great replies on here.

As others have said, remind yourself every day, especially when they're newly arrived, that while the days feel long, the years are short.

I'll offer some "tactical" rather than strategic advice that I've given to several younger colleagues: (1) babies aren't born "good sleepers" or "bad sleepers." Like so much else in life, sleep is a skill that you're going to have to teach them (i.e. how to stitch together those REM cycles into one blissful night's rest). It isn't the most pleasant experience, but you can get help them develop good sleep habits as early as 12 weeks.

(2) Schedule is everything for you, your wife and for the child. We developed a sound schedule with our first and onboarded the next two to the same program. If you know when it's kid time and when it's work time, etc. everyone's level of stress will be significantly lower. When you're with the baby, be with the baby (not thinking about work, etc.).

(3) Feeling frustrated or even angry at times is OK and normal. 100%. Projecting that emotion or acting on it is 100% *not* OK. I wish that it hadn't taken my first child for me to learn this. Would've been an incredibly beneficial skill 10-15 years earlier.

 

[Marbles]

Not every kid is the same. What worked on one might not on another, so take specific parenting advice with a grain of salt.

The goal for me is to train my relief, I don't care if my daughters life is better or worse than mine. I do want them to be better people than I am.

You are training them, every time you reward bad behavior you are training it in, every time you over react to bad behavior you are training them to over react. You will not get it perfect, but part of parenting is developing yourself.

Parents are really judgy of one another and are told to worry about a lot of stupid stuff. Don't worry about everything, because you then effectively worry about nothing.

 

[hikenhunt]

You will likely not feel ready no matter how much you read/research/hear about raising kids. You simply cannot be prepared for everything you will run into. You have to be flexible, roll with the punches, and be able to laugh even when things are hard.

Already a lot of great advice hear, but I'd echo that your kids are with you temporarily (at least live with you), but your wife isn't. I've seen marriages fall apart when the kids are out of the house, it shouldn't be like that.

It goes quick! We have four between 3 and 10. Its crazy to think our oldest is more than halfway to being out of here...