Best kid one liners

[bpurtz]

Several years ago we were at a friend's house - their youngest son had a bit of a lisp - he was calling out to the barn cat...

"Here titty, titty, titty, nice titty, come here titty..."

I was rolling in laughter...

 

[turbobrick]

My niece was about 3, and for no reason we can figure out, she called binoculars nocular-eyes. We now use it as a verb, “I’m going to nocularize that hillside for deer before we move over the ridge.” And as a noun, “grab your noculareyes off the counter before we go.”

 

[Thebigbaby]

I was showing my wife a meme. (The photo in the meme is of a chubby man.) My 2 year old son says “I want to see.” I then show my son the photo. My son asks “Is that Tim?” (My best bud) I then begin to lmao. Whiling I’m giggling like a little girl, my four year old daughter sees the photo and ask “Dad, is that you?”

Totally killed my laughter but was fing funny.

 

[strousek]

When my son was 4 we took him on a backyard buck hunt as we call them. My brother (his uncle) shot a dandy of a buck with his muzzleloader but he took off with the rest of the group. We walk up the 125 yards to see where they were standing. My son looks for a total of maybe 3 seconds on the ground and finds no blood. Looks up and says "if you hit a deer they bleed uncle Brandon. Let's get out of here".

 

[WhatToHunt]

My then 4-year-old daughter heard me exclaim "Oh shoot!" because I dropped something. She was upset because "you can't say you're going to shoot someone," she lectured. I explained why it's OK to say "oh shoot" but never OK to say you want to shoot someone. She got it, it all sunk in. A moment passed and she asked, "But you can't say 'What the F***', right?"

 

[M-Wig]

Monday morning my son was eating breakfast and watching a movie. One of those Santa Buddies flicks. I asked him if the movie was any good. He put his fork down, looked at me like I was a moron, and said, "well...it's a movie with talking dogs...so yeah, it's pretty good".

 

[Billogna]

Several years ago we were at a friend's house - their youngest son had a bit of a lisp - he was calling out to the barn cat...

"Here titty, titty, titty, nice titty, come here titty..."

I was rolling in laughter...

My son's (same one with the freakin bag mentioned earlier) cat's name is Ditty... I'm sure you can guess how that happened... lol

 

[Dos Perros]

Reading these, I have to wonder if sarcasm has grown in utilization over the years, like since the 1950's. Y'all's kids are hilarious.

 

[SWOHTR]

“My brain works harder than dad!”

My 5yo son

 

[Dos Perros]

I know it would be funnier if I could precisely recall the words, but my 4 y/o daughter was talking about her wedding and my mother-in-law said something like she's looking forward to it, and my daughter says something like "well you won't be there because you'll be dead soon." We all laughed and scolded her. She can really cut you with her words. I feel sorry for her future husband.

 

[GreenNDark Timber]

My 7 yr old son on the way to school "Dad, you know school is actually just like prison......except worse because they don't make you learn in prison" Wait till you have to get a job buddy.

 

[P Carter]

My 4-year-old calls visible muscles “strongness bumps.” So I’ll ask him who the strongest superhero is, and he’ll say, “Welll…..I think Hulk because he has the most strongness bumps.”

 

[Drenalin]

I know it would be funnier if I could precisely recall the words, but my 4 y/o daughter was talking about her wedding and my mother-in-law said something like she's looking forward to it, and my daughter says something like "well you won't be there because you'll be dead soon." We all laughed and scolded her. She can really cut you with her words. I feel sorry for her future husband.

Similar thing with my daughter, last year we had my in-laws over for dinner and were talking about her upcoming kindergarten graduation. Somehow she got on the subject of her brother's kindergarten graduation which would be three years away. Her grandfather said something about he's looking forward to that and my daughter asked, "Do you think you'll still be alive then?!"

 

[butcherboy]

My 5 yr old daughter last night after throwing a huge fit about eating her supper. Once she took the second bite she said “ actually, after the first bite my brain said she likes it”.

 

[KsRancher]

I have a 13yr old son and a 8yr old daughter that just love to hate each other. I mean anything to get at the other one. Sitting at the supper table about a month ago the 13yr old is asking his mom for the 100th time if he can rent a tuxedo for the winter dance. And my wife has had enough of him asking. So she gives him a very firm "NO, END OF DISCUSSION".


I could tell it bothered him because he put his head down and was just eating. I could see his eyes were starting to well up a little bit, but he was really trying to hold it in.

WELL, his 8yr old sister is sitting right beside him. And will pounce at the chance to get one in on him. So she ever So slowly leans her down close to her plate and looks over at him at his level and says "don't let them salt tears get in your food there little buddy, might ruin your supper"

 

[ETtikka]

My wife had to take her best friend's 5 year old son to the doctor. The nurse went to take his temperature in his back side and he looked back at her and shouted "Jesus is watching you!"

This is the winner so far

 

[grossklw]

Last year the 3 year old is in the backpack and we're pheasant hunting. Rooster gets up and I blew the shot and just murmur "god damnit" and thought it was under my breath. 3 year old, "Dad, did you miss that damn pheasant?"

This spring we're going over male and female turkeys. Hey buddy what do we call a mommy turkey, "Hen". What do we call a Daddy turkey, "Grandpa!"- My dad's name is Tom.

When he was first starting to talk truck sounded very much like...not truck. We're in church and he very loudly blasts, "Hey dad look at this nice truck!" We held off on church for a few weeks until his pronunciation got better.

Picture attached, Hey Niko why is Elmo hanging upside down in the cupboard? "He's dead, and he's not Elmo, that's a dead rooster."

 

[Vaultman]

My son, about 3 to 4 at the time, and I were talking/babbling to my 1 y/o daughter. She defiantly still had quite the bit of baby fat on her at the time. I tickled her under the chin and said "Chubby, chubby, chubby". Well it wasn't that long after that when those two kids, my wife and I were all sitting together and my son reaches over to his mother puts his finger under her chin, wiggles it back and forth and says "Chubby, chubby, chubby."

Same son, but the other (younger) sister "Sarah"... My wife just turned 35 when Sarah was born. Fast forward to Sarah's fifth birthday, when my wife just had the big 40 party a few days before. At the 5 y/o's birthday party after the candles are blown out my son got that puzzled look on his face and says "Mom... your EIGHT TIMES Sarah." I laughed so hard but she couldn't be mad because he did his math right.

 

[Drenalin]

At dinner with my 3 year old and 6 year old one night, just the three of us. My son, the younger, was having an awful day…disobedient, rowdy, just being a real terror…and had been in trouble several times. Anyway, he’s doing something at dinner that’s about to make me lose my mind, so I ask him:

Me: Son, do you like spankings or what?
Son: Yeah dad, I wike bankins!
Daughter: Well, you’re in for a treat!

 

[WhatToHunt]

My toddler son had come home from daycare and kept saying, "Let's go little b****es!" And, "Come on little b****es!"
Concerned, we called another mom whose kids attend the daycare. She enlightened us one of the dad's affectionately calls his daughter Little Britches. The ever-important "R"...