Best kid one liners

[TxxAgg]

When my daughter was 3 we were stopped at a red light. Four large garbage trucks filed through the intersection.

My daughter looked up and said "goddamn that's a lot of garbage trucks!"

We all laughed but my wife gave me a sideways look, haha.

 

[Ikmclean]

Couple years ago when my son was 3yo he was very interested in helping me process a little buck and learning where meat comes from. Constantly asking if he had meat or if the dogs had meat.

Well out our back door there is a small gap between a support beam and the wall where a couple northern flickers we're trying to nest. One morning on our way out they were there and I got dive-bombed by one of them, and all he said is " Dad that dirty woodpecker tried to eat your head meat"

 

[black dawg]

Friend of mine and his wife woke up to their 4 or 5 year old boy standing on the couch looking out the window, yelling MOTHER F er. When mom asked him why he was yelling that he pointed at the tipped over garbage can and said, "thats what dad always says when the dogs get in the garbage??"

 

[bbell]

Took my son who loves to hunt with me on a day trip in the canoe. Beautiful morning then as we are paddling trying to cover some miles that I underestimated when the sky just opened up on us. I ask him “Rem how you doing?” He yells back “I’d rather be in time out than do this!” Told him this will be a trip he’ll remember more than an easy one.

 

[bliner]

This is a great thread!

When my son was about 3 we lived in the country and he peed outside a lot. One day we were in town at Shopko and he was following my wife and I as we headed back to the car after checking out. Just outside the exit drawers he dropped his pants and peed on the sidewalk before we could stop him. Just then another couple is about to enter the store and my son said “watch out so you don’t step in my pee there!”

 

[SC HUNTER]

Oh I can write a bunch on the dumb shit kids have said. My stepson who is 15 now was 6 when his mom and I met and started dating. We were riding through town one day and a car cuts us off and almost hit us. As we get to the next red-light their in the lane beside us and he asks me to roll down his window and says "somebody needs to tell that lady how mfing bad her driving is." My wife was not amused a single bit.

Same kid about 2 months later tells my lab to "shut the f--- up!!" He was barking outside the front door and apparently thats what mama tells him to do

Let me think I'll remember more.

 

[SC HUNTER]

My youngest stepson who is about to turn 10 asked his teacher one day in first grade if she was an alien.....when prompted why he asked her that when he got home he says "Mr. Michael she looks two directions at one time" I laughed so long my ribs hurt.

 

[Dos Perros]

I have forgotten more than I could possibly remember...time goes too fast.

 

[vectordawg]

I have forgotten more than I could possibly remember...time goes too fast.

It sure does! I wish I would've know that 20 years ago.

 

[vectordawg]

My coworker had a daughter in Girl Scouts. One day his wife and daughter were selling cookies with a bunch of other girl scouts and their mothers. My coworker's daughter repeated something to all of them she'd heard her dad say. "My dad said he got kicked out of the Scouts for eating Brownies." His wife was mortified and PISSED!

 

[Sherman]

My youngest stepson who is about to turn 10 asked his teacher one day in first grade if she was an alien.....when prompted why he asked her that when he got home he says "Mr. Michael she looks two directions at one time" I laughed so long my ribs hurt.

This reminded me of the time my 4 y/o told the cross-eyed cashier it looks like her eyes are playing tug of war.

My youngest isn’t athletic at all, not interested in any sports, so I was surprised when he was 5 and wanted to play soccer. I asked him if he even knew how to play and he said, “ yeah. You run around and kick the ball and if you fall down you pretend that your hurt.”

This is the same one that asked me if retirement means you don’t have to work anymore. After I explained to him that if you save your money and invest it correctly, you can retire early. He told me he is going to retire “immediately.”

 

[CorbLand]

This is the same one that asked me if retirement means you don’t have to work anymore. After I explained to him that if you save your money and invest it correctly, you can retire early. He told me he is going to retire “immediately.”

This kid has life figured out and it hasn’t even started for him.

 

[Old-Cat]

This reminded me of the time my 4 y/o told the cross-eyed cashier it looks like her eyes are playing tug of war.

This one got me

 

[butcherboy]

When my 11 yr old son was about 3 he told his grandma that “dad gives me liquor all the time and it’s so good!” She was pissed as hell at me until I told her that’s what he calls licorice.

Tonight we were watching the movie Free Guy on Netflix. There is a seen when Ryan Reynolds’s character says “ good f’ing morning Goldie” to his fish and
My 5 yr old daughter laughed so hard and then started yelling “good f’ng morning Goldie” over and over again.

When my 8 yr old daughter was about 6 we gave her a diary to start writing or drawing in. She was so excited and said “I can’t wait to start writing in my diarrhea!”

I know I have so many many more but I can’t remember them all cause they happen all the time. Lol

 

[Fjellvei]

Sold my bow to a guy and met him in a parking lot. My son is almost 3 at the time, started crying when he drove off with the bow after the transaction. And choked out the words "dadda that's your bow. how you gonna catch deers without your bow"

 

[Oregon]

My boy was 8. Took him fishing all the time.
Right below a dam, there is a store called "The Dam Store"
After fishing, we stopped and bought fried goodness. Probably corn dogs.
Got home, Mom asked boy how was fishing, boy said "fishing was ok, but the best part was we stopped at the "dam store" on the way home.
The look I got was priceless.

 

[ScottRK]

Stepson was about 5-6 when he had his first deer meat and wife and I and sisters watched him light up and he said “hey deer bodies taste good!” He’s almost 30 now and gave us 6 shanks Saturday.

Edit- That boy above was about 8 and wanted me to pour him some milk. I told him he was old enough to do it. He said he’d do it but would probably spill it. I saw him pour a perfect glass from around the corner then moved the jug over and pour about 2 tablespoons on the countertop and he yelled I told you!!

My youngest son and older girl were playing basketball and the sister said let’s play horse. He said I don’t know how to spell horse. She said what do you know how to spell? He must’ve been thinking on his spelling list for a minute and said- because.
My 12 year old comes up with stuff almost everyday now.

 

[cornfedkiller]

This one wasn't something my 4 year old said, but his actions, and I'll try to explain the best I can..

He had eaten all his food and I told him he probably got taller since he ate all that, and he got up out of his chair, put his hand on top of his head (like you would against a wall to check someone's height, but he was in the middle of the dining room), and then stepped out from underneath it to see how tall he was...

 

[Vaultman]

When we moved into our house my 4 y/o sons bedroom walls were yellow. A little after that we decided it needed painting. I asked him what color he wanted his room, and after he informed me he asked me "what is going to happen to the yellow". I said "Well, we are just going to add the blue paint over it". His face was slightly puzzled until he broke the silence... "But then my room will be smaller!?"

 

[Hunt the Top]

A couple days after a family move night watching Home Alone, my wife took my 5 y/o daughter and 3 y/o daughter to the grocery store. They are standing in the checkout line and my wife overhears my oldest daughter tell the younger “I wouldn’t let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my a$$!”