Advice for having a potentially difficult discussion with your hunting partner/Family member.

H2PVon said:
You know these issues have happened before, and then drove 3.5 hours without your own headlamp or 4, pack, and whatever else needed. If this was my biggest complaint about a hunting partner I'd consider myself pretty lucky.

Edit: Forgot to add, the first thing I would have said is "Where's the %$#&*^ bag I left you?":)
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🤣, that’s is exactly what I said!
 
I just always have other obligations when people like that come around. Ive resigned myself that there are VERY FEW people I want to spend any time with in the woods. You go your way, ill go mine, we will talk at home. Most I wouldnt even share a camp with and I know hundreds of hunters. I can think of two off the top of my head and neither one of them have the time to do it with consistency.
 
I'll admit that I'm usually the forgetful guy in my groups. I'm not terrible, but with my ADD, even detailed packing lists don't always help.

What I appreciate from a few good friends, is that they are helpful, and they are blunt. Not uncommon to hear from one of them "I packed two, because I figured your dumb ass would forget yours", or "Too bad, I only have mine, and I need it". Last thing I'd want is for someone to be annoyed by me, and keep it to themselves. Get it out there, and we can get past it.

In the end, in a group of friends, we all have positives and negatives. The only important thing is that your net is a positive.
 
I have a checklist for gear, as you probably do too. Give him your checklist, but don’t depend on him for critical gear that you’ll need. start the discussion with I love you man, I love hunting with you, but we have to solve this problem. Heres the list of gear. If he forgets his gear let him suffer. If he forgets his lunch let him starve. If he gets butt hurt about that, good riddance. Find another partner.
 
As I see it, you have a few choices.

-Leave things as they are.
-Talk, recognizing it might change nothing (or it could end the friendship).
-Stop enabling the behavior and let him learn from the natural consequences.
-Some combination of those.

@Reburn made great points in post #38.

Some of it depends on what people find important. I spent years trying to get my wife to keep her cell phone charged, even got her battery packs and they just ended up dead too. It just did not hit her as important. I had talked about safety before, but it came to a head one day and she asked me why I cared about her phone. I asked her what her plan was if I was at work and our 2 year old daughter started choking to death, or our POS neighbor was trying to break in (we don't have a land line). For some reason, after 10 years of marriage it finally stuck and her phone has not died in over a year.

Don't expect him to change because you ask him too. Perhaps don't ever expect him to take care of group gear. But, it is reasonable to expect him to have his own shit straight more often than not. The consequence should not be from you, just let the natural results play out so long as they are not permanently destructive.

For example, tell him you have the only good headlamp, so you are butchering and he is packing out in the dark. Changing his expectations might be rough though.
 
I'm going to reply with my thoughts according to my own personality. If I don't say anything, it will build up to the point that the smallest thing will boil it over (such as smacking their gum in the car!) . Once I hit that point, my tongue gets rather sharp and I say things that I will never ever get back. Obviously, it's much better to bring something up before it gets to that point. As mentioned above, going about that with tact is important. Understanding their demeanor is crucial to how you do that. Do they already know that they are forgetful and unorganized, or do they think they got their $h!t together? If they are the former, just a simple reminder to run a checklist. If they are the latter, a proper ass chewing may be in order.
 
Ever hear the saying, “Nobody cares about you, like you”…?

Quite frankly it sounds to me like you were the unprepared one. Never rely on someone to have what you need. And if you do happen to find someone who is reliable and does think of all the little stuff, stick with them for the rest of your life.

Been my experience though that most people couldn’t lead a walk through the park.
 
Kinda sounds like pot meet kettle. Been there, done that, and still struggling with it.

Knowledge is power. Knowing the patterns helps avoid the patterns somewhat. Going into situations with known individuals that have these types of issues sounds genetic or hereditary, if this is a family member ? , being you went into a situation with a person with these patterns and weren't prepared for it yourself. Been there, done that. Assuming a person with these tendencies was to be trusted to all of a sudden change over night is delusion. Again been there, done that and it sucks. Acknowledging that fact can go a long ways to ease the frustration and in finding ways to openly try to mitigate them. Only other option is not to hunt with a person like this or have a really hard heart to heart to pull off the scab. And even then it usually doesn't rectify the problem long term. Might be some short term resolutions, but change for all of is hard and takes time. Most of us don't have an endless pit of hunting partners or family members to choose from, so we are kinda stuck with what we got and have to make the best of these types of situations. Discomfort can lead to comfort, out of not wanting to be uncomfortable for a lot of people willing to learn. If it doesn't, it should lead to some good natured ribbing about the ignorance of repeating tendencies. If that doesn't help, the ribbing needs to turn into having "the dredded talk". Coveting and watching someone else being comfortable is a good teacher. Jealousy is a strong motivator in relationship to discomfort caused by repetitive stupidity. But stupidly, stupidity has a bad reputation for habitualness.

3.5 hr drive, you don't go into that without some basics, that's problematic on so many levels. Have 3 headlamps between my pack and bino harness, plus extra batteries. Plus extra headlamps in the truck, camper and boat. Anyone with kids knows it's just a given, you pack extra everything, everywhere in regards to any out of doors activities. And even then there's always issues.

Have had a lot of failure over the years and learning is challenging and not without growing pains. Sucks! Venting to other people can and does help as long as there's the will to back it up and address the issues long after the emotional anger has dissipated, with some progress towards positively trying to mitigate the concerns and frustrations.

Good luck with it and hope there can be some progress towards resolution.
 
fng4life said:
Let’s say there has been a minor annoyance over the years and recently became something worse. So nothing illegal or unethical, just a bad habit that lead to necessary difficulties and almost a severe injury. I really want this to be a constructive conversation with a positive outcome but my fear is that this is a habit that is in his DNA and might not be able to be changed.

(Edit to add details). A couple of us were on call for a pack out for his moose hunt. He had no recollection of the bag of gear that he asked for and I left him a week prior with knives headlamp game bags etc. (has been working and living out of state so he didn’t have much of his own stuff available). So four of us get to deal with a moose with one good headlamp a couple good knives only two game bags a game cart and one pack. Long story short, I’m packing meat out in the dark with a crap headlamp (let him use mine since he was cutting his moose)
on dying batteries and take a fall (thankfully I was fine). Upon the last trip of meat we find this bag of gear in the last cooler that we opened. Anyway I worked all day drove 3 1/2 hours up there and it could’ve been much smoother and I would’ve preferred not to take a fall in the dark with 80 pounds on my back.
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At some point you gotta cut the cord and quit enabling people. I had to do this with my brother. Not easy, but necessary. Be nice but stand firm.
 
Sending him your checklist is a good idea. To be sure you may consider packing a few extra health and safety items.
 
I would have turned around and left my when I got there and he had no recollection of where anything was. Said, call me when you are ready, not before.

Sent from my moto g power using Tapatalk
 
Reburn said:
@fng4life
what did you decide?
did you have the conversation?
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I decided to let him how I felt but sense we have different preferences on how we like to hunt I didn’t see any point in making it a big deal. I know he would be there for me if the situation was reversed. He was very greatful for me running up there without hesitation. There’s going to be headlamps in the Christmas stockings🙂
 
I'm confused by your story. He shot a moose by himself. 3 of you answer the call to go pack out the moose and together you 3 bring maybe a knife or two, a crappy headlamp, and a pack? WTF am I missing. Someone calls me to help them with a downed animal I am bringing my own headlamp or flashlight, a knife and if needed my own pack.

Kinda sounds like the 3 of you that went to help were unprepared. Even if he forgot his stuff the other 2 and yourself should have probably brought your own stuff.
 
WCB said:
I'm confused by your story. He shot a moose by himself. 3 of you answer the call to go pack out the moose and together you 3 bring maybe a knife or two, a crappy headlamp, and a pack? WTF am I missing. Someone calls me to help them with a downed animal I am bringing my own headlamp or flashlight, a knife and if needed my own pack.

Kinda sounds like the 3 of you that went to help were unprepared. Even if he forgot his stuff the other 2 and yourself should have probably brought your own stuff.
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He had a bull moose tag in Colorado which he could hunt for about a month and being a once in a lifetime tag he took a month off work. Me and some others have been up with him as seasons crossed but no one else could be there the entire time so there was a good chance of him shooting it when solo. Per his request prior to season opening I packed a kill kit bag so he could at least start on the moose until others arrived. I had my pack ready to go fully stocked (for me). So that kill kit went missing both physically and in his memory until the end of the pack out (he did have a knife in his pocket). Another friend got there about an hour a head of me and he had some stuff including a pack so they were able to get started. By the time my wife and I get to him there’s a load ready for packing so I load my pack and swap head lamps because what was using wasn’t bright (generic one that other guy had). Thanks to the other guy we had two game bags instead of none but it cost time emptying meat into coolers the reloading the bags for another trip. We ended up with six knifes a saw two game bags one good light one crap light one hunting pack and one non hunting pack. My wife never intended to pack meat, just gear and be a helping hand. Why other guy didn’t bring his pack at all, that’s another good question. Yes, I could have packed way more stuff but he’s also an adult who’s hunted since he was old enough to. In the end it was a brain fart on 3 out of 4 of us but we’re taking it as a lesson learned. Also there was no bickering during this, we all just worked well together which is not always the case during a shit show.
 
If it's a habitual thing he probably has ADHD.
And if he is list won't help as he'll either lose it, forget it, or simply forget to look at it.

I do and I'm constantly forgetting and misplacing things. I can set something down above eye level and forget 5 seconds later and spend the next 15 mins looking for it. If my d wasn't attached to me I'd of lost it too by now. When hunting I typically try to go fairly minimalist so there's less stuff I need to remember and I'm pretty good at coming up with outside the box solutions to stuff I do forget.
 
This post sort of hits home for me. I think it is important to realize that we choose our hunting partners and decide what we put up with. Are their actions a deal breaker? Only we can decide that. I choose to attempt to find the positives in those that don't share my priorities when it comes to hunting, as each person has a strength. I'm the guy that plans a trip, analyzes everything, creates a list, packs, rethinks it, checks what I've packed, etc. It is a 12 month deal for me. I'm up early, out late, want to be in my "spot" well before the sun rises. My most frequent hunting buddy, not so much. He's more of a throw the stuff in the truck the night before, maybe the morning he's leaving, and hope he packed everything, or at least everything except the stuff he couldn't find in the last minute effort. Annoying at time, yes, and when it causes a time delay I'm guilty of showing my frustration in a less than perfect manner. But, his strengths compliment my weaknesses. I didn't grow up in the woods; only person in my family who hunts. When I'm with my buddy, I know I'm getting home safely. He is a great woodsman and I greatly enjoy his company. It can be about balance. What is worth it to you?
 
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