Possibly leaving Montana

[ODB]

Thank you everyone for the replys. Montana is home and I'm not sure anyplace could compare.
We're still working it out, wife's dad won't leave Oklahoma but the wife wants to be closer to him. I won't leave mountains. So we're weiging options on compromise.
Nothing is set, I'm just looking at possible options. Thank you again and keep the responses coming.

I was wondering if this was the case. Not 100% sure of your situation, but I will say this - when my mom needed to go into dementia care, my dad (about 80 at the time) was ADAMANT it was unnecessary and that he could take care of her as he had been doing so quite well for a few years as she declined. There came a point where he would not listen to anyone, including the nurses about it. That was until one day we all met at the nursing home and I essentially let him know he was no longer able to make the best decisions for my mom and that she would be going to get proper care - whether he liked it or not. He relented. The problem was his pride, and what he felt was a failure as a husband. He said had taken care of her for 60 years and would continue to do so. I told him that by getting my mom proper care was the best way to continue to be a good husband.

Less than a week later he came to me and told me how making the decision for him was the best and most correct thing for my mom and him. He had gotten more than 2-3 hours of sleep - more than in almost a year (he was constantly up chasing my mom), and was coming to terms with reality.

That's a long-winded way to say that sometimes, when a person is no longer able to make decisions for themselves or they require a lot of care, their intransigence about things is often driven by unrealistic things, often psychological (I was born here, and I'll die here!). It takes some frank conversations with them so they know that at some point they have to trust YOU now to make the decisions. It's inevitable. Now, several years after my mom has died, my dad will often say how much he appreciated me stepping in and just doing stuff for him - even financial - (i have full power of attorney, etc) as only in hindsight does he see that he was truly incapable of making those decisions. I have had frank conversations about moving him out here when he gets where he needs close care. He knows that at the end of the day, we can't simply relocate three jobs, a college, and a house because he wants to keep living by the beach. Stability for everyone is super important, and if you lose stability by moving - what is gained? He gets it.

Anyway, not sure if any of that applies, but good luck as things develop. I would look at it this way - if, given you and your wife's situation, it is possible to support him where you are, I would start that conversation with your wife and him asap. Plant the seed, etc. "You know, if we need to take care of you, we'll be able to do it best in Montana, etc."

 

[matthewmt]

MT is a good option

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[colby12]

I have driven to all of those places from central Oklahoma as well as to Montana. None of those are a good drive. Oklahoma City to NM is the only one with an interstate the majority of the way. Also, none of those cities provide any better flying options to Oklahoma than Montana. What is closer to you guys? The location in Oklahoma matters for some context but anywhere near OKC or Tulsa id imagine you could buy a fair amount of plane tickets for the cost of uprooting your life and moving states. I’m genuinely curious on the specific thought process you guys are having.

 

[fngTony]

SE Colorado in one of the farm towns along US50. If you need a more populated area Then Pueblo or Colorado Springs. Canon City gets you a little into the mountains.

GJ might as well be in Nevada, travel from that side of the mountains can be a nightmare. A little easier if you’re in SW Colorado but that’s either stupid expensive or third world country depending on the town.

Here’s an out of the box idea. Kearney Nebraska, blue collar work, affordable and it’s away from big cities. It’s 6ish hours to Wyoming or Colorado for mountains.

 

[Esteban]

Moved away from SW MT 8 yrs ago and have regretted it ever since.

 

[bucksnbirds]

I've lived in NW Oklahoma my entire life. If you're used to backcountry and big game, you will hate it here. There is some world class whitetail, waterfowl, and turkey hunting, but that's about it. I'm stuck here because the wife's family is here and they help with the kids while I'm working out of town. If it wasnt for that, I'd be gone yesterday.

If you've already built a life in MT, I'd be staying and send the wife back and forth on a plane more often. Being in GJ or somewhere halfway closer changes basically nothing as far as being there for her dad. A plane ride is hardly any more time consumption from MT or CO.

Stay in MT for your sanity and ensure your wife gets quality time with her dad. It's hard to be a good husband when the thing that keeps you grounded is ripped away.

On the bright side if you do decide to move, you can get a beautiful home for under $200,000 here and rent is cheap if you go that route.

 

[ddd-shooter]

Eastern OK and Western Arkansas aren’t flat. They offer a lot of hiking and hunting.

Came to say this. I’d hate to live in the middle of the country, but if I did, it would be in the Ozarks or ouachitas. More hills than mountains, but still some significant topography there.
ETA: I’d move her dad closer to me or get a credit card with airline miles and fly her out regularly before I moved. Especially if you have children.

 

[Speaks]

You can buy a hell of a lot of flights for the cost of moving. None of those options is really some easy drive anyway. I would stay put and visit more.

 

[MThuntrrr]

I don’t think moving to any of those places solves anything. You’re still a flight or long drive away. If he won’t compromise on location, I would do whatever I could to help my wife with frequent flights, hotel, and/or long term vrbo (monthly rental if possible). The transaction cost of selling your home is likely well over 30k. Divorce is far worse, so hopefully that’s not an option. You can buy a lot of flights/other travel costs with that money and still live in Montana. Good luck with the decision.

 

[Scrappy]

Forgive me if I'm off base here. But you make it sound more like a wife issue than a father-in-law issue. If this is true moving to any other spot in the mountains will not change anything. It will only make things worse when both of you are not where you want to be.

Again my apologies if this isn't the case.

With that said, can I have your spot in Montana and ya can have our spot here in Oklahoma.

 

[BreechFace]

I’m with @MThuntrrr.

Those places you mentioned are nowhere near what I would call close to Oklahoma.

How long is your FIL expected to live?

If your FIL refuses to move to Montana and if the places you mentioned are on the table with your wife. I would talk with her about how she is nearly just as close to her father staying where you are in Montana with flying to see him.

I would look into getting her frequent flights to Oklahoma and figuring out a way to make her stays in Oklahoma easy and manageable.

If those above are not an option then I would make the sacrifice and move to Oklahoma and I would be taking flights back to Montana or other mountain regions periodically for the season of living in Oklahoma. And just like making it easy for your wife, make it easy on yourself and have a storage unit in Montana to keep gear and a safe for your equipment. I would also have a frank conversation with either my wife that this arrangement is only for a period of time while we care for her dad.