My marriage is falling apart

[rhendrix]

I don't try to post personal things on here, but I have no where else to go right now and I need advice.

My wife recently told me that she isn't in love with me and asked for a separation. This was about two weeks ago, and ever since then I've felt heart broken and for lack of a better word, lost. My wife has been my rock, the one person that I knew I could always count on to have my back and love me no matter what. The past 7 years of our marriage have been everything but easy on her. The first year we spent apart since I was deployed to Iraq. I got out of the Marines in 2008 and dealt with a lot of anger and frustration from losing friends and some PTSD symptoms as well. The first couple of years I came back from Iraq I had no desire to act loving towards my wife, despite her begging and pleading. Part of this was because of PTSD, and part of it was because I was abusing pornography. In 2011, my wife finally gave me an ultimatum. Either go to counseling for the PTSD and pornography addiction, or lose her and my family. And so I did, and while there were small improvements here and there, nothing really changed. My wife continued to plea for my affection and begged me to be romantic and I continued to deny her those things while demanding that she gave affection to me. Finally, in July of 2014, something happened, I don't know if it was divine intervention, or the therapy. But I was able to reconnect with a lot of emotions that I've suppressed for a long time. A lot of feelings that I've had since Iraq came to light and I was able to deal with them in a healthy manner. My outlook on life improved, I wasn't so quick to anger, I was more loving with my wife, more affectionate, and more patient. But, I guess the irreparable damage of the last 7 years has taken it's toll. And it's left her here, and I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her, I don't want to give up on our marriage. But hearing her tell me that she isn't in love with me and isn't sure if she ever will be again has utterly crushed my spirit. She has repeatedly told me to pursue and romance and woo her again and she may begin to feel those feelings again. But I can't bring myself to do that right now, I feel rejected and hurt. How do I get past these feelings, how do I soldier on so that I can save our marriage? I want to save our marriage, I want to see my wife happy and smiling again, I just can't get there right now.

 

[Jason Snyder]

I don't know how to say it any other way. Put aside your pride, humble yourself, and show her you love her.

 

[rhendrix]

Thanks, Jason. I am trying to do that. I feel like my heart was ripped outta my chest and stomped on though, I don't think I've ever quite felt this level of hurt before.

I'm attempting to start "The Love Dare" tomorrow. I'm just struggling to want to. Guess it is my pride getting in the way.

 

[hflier]

Be loving, separate and give her space, tell her you are sorry but understand how she feels. Let her know you love her. Sometimes some distance helps both. Don't, don't be jealous, controlling or needy. Women like a strong confidant man that will give them affection, but space. You can't hold onto or make what isn't there. If it is mean to be, it will come back. But if she really is out of love with you, there will be almost nothing you can do to fix it. The best thing you can do is let her go and be dignified about it. Many men make a horrible mistake at this point of doing many things they later regret. Don't be that guy, it will just prove she was right to leave. Get a good lawyer, follow his/her advice.

Ron

 

[Shrek]

I don't have any answers for you but if you have kids don't put them in the middle no matter what ! They should never be put in a position that they have to choose sides. They are not leverage to get your wife to do things.

 

[rhendrix]

I'm not doing anything that I feel I'll later regret, I don't drink, I'm not off partying, I spent almost the entire week home with the kids while she was out of town taking care of them and trying to distract myself from all of this.

And I'd never put my kids in the middle or use them as leverage, it's not fair to them or her.

I don't know how to fix this whenever my wife tells me she feels numb and doesn't feel anything. I don't know if it is fixable, which scares the shit out of me.

 

[mt100gr.]

I can in no way relate to what a lot of you soldiers have been through but I am married and we have 2 little girls that are everything to us. Start small, look at yourself and convince yourself that you have no other option but to save your marriage. My dad is a pretty hardcore drinker and I always tell him to "show me, don't tell me that you want to change"

Be humble, admit your faults and show her that you need her in your life. Easier said than done, I know, but you need to find your love for her first.

 

[Jeff Martin]

Although your wife has a right to feel the way she feels, (we all have feelings) "In love" is a fallacy. "In love" is a temporary, giddy feeling from dating and things being new. Love is more than feelings, it is a decision; its a commitment. IMO, she picked you as her life long partner - she didn't say "I do as long as I have in love feelings" With that said, I suggest you work on the marriage with her. Work on it together (even if you are separated)

BTW, words of encouragement for you brotha....When you were walking down the isle to say "i do" and one were to ask your wife if she would ever feel like leaving you, her response would likely be "no" Well, I am here to tell you, it has happened which means if she can change her feelings. She can change them again. Never give up if she is your wife for life.

 

[Retterath]

i have the love dare book and it is good, if u don't have a copy i could send u mine for the time being so u don't have to buy one. Watch the movie fireproof it goes right along with the book. If u really want to be together with her stand strong, show her u want this to work. Stay confident to your word about changing and going to counseling. Actions always speak louder than words, and if you say you are going to do something, do it. My wife and I have been through more difficulties than I can keep track of, but spending time together, making time to do things we enjoyed doing together made all the difference. Put her as your #2 priority right now, with GOD being your first. The only way a marriage will thrive is with Him in the center. You have obviously been through a lot, much more than i could ever imagine.. but love is choice. She chose you, and you chose her. Now is the time to show her WHY you two made the decision in the first place. Will be praying for you!

 

[rhendrix]

I have the book, thank you though buddy.

 

[Shrek]

Get a good lawyer, follow his/her advice.

Ron

This^^^^ . Most women are long gone emotionally by the time they ask for a separation. Follow the lawyers advice to the letter. I wish you all the success in the world rebuilding your relationship but protect yourself. FYI , if it doesn't work out I can tell you from personal experience that there's plenty of fish in the sea. My heart was so crushed that for the last ten years I've practiced catch and release only but there has been a few keepers I've tossed back. The thought of the pain you are now feeling is truly terrifying.

 

[rhendrix]

I feel like getting a lawyer involved is just a sure fire way to make her leave me for good.

 

[a3dhunter]

I feel like my heart was ripped outta my chest and stomped on though, I don't think I've ever quite felt this level of hurt before.

Ron, I'm sorry to hear this.
I'm thinking you are now feeling a part of what she has felt for years while she was "begging and pleading" for your attention.
I think the first step would be to ask yourself if you are 100% in this?
If you are, then you're pride will fall by the wayside as your actions will show her how you really feel. Admit that you've taken advantage of her "being your rock", and that she is valued for hanging in there during the tough times.
The only thing you can control is your actions, she will have to choose what she wants and if she wants to let you try to win her back.
Even though you are hurt, you need to look at her with love in your eyes, knowing she never meant to hurt you. Knowing what kind of emotional hell she has went through waiting on you.
Let her know that even in your darkest times, you couldn't imagine being without her.
Put some of your thoughts down on paper for her to think about. Lay it all out there. Hard to do when feeling so vulnerable but you have to put is all on the line.

I can't imagine the things you've had to overcome, and I thank you for your service!
I will be praying for you and your family.
Jason

 

[Jeff Martin]

I feel like getting a lawyer involved is just a sure fire way to make her leave me for good.

IMO, you are correct. And candidly, you are not committed if you are thinking that way.

BTW, feeling "numb" can be temporary. You need to find a way to tap into what she is really feeling and why. Get help from other couples that DO NOT believe in divorce. If you solicit help from "divorce is an option" folks, you are doomed.

 

[Backpack Hunter]

I'm obviously not an expert, but the Love Dare worked well for my wife and I.
The Love and Respect DVD study by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs was and continues to be very helpful for me in understanding what and why my wife says, feels, and does certain things. It is amazing how many times I thought I was killing myself trying to show my wife how I loved her, and she didn't think it was any big deal. Conversely I would do some little thing, that to me was inconsequential, and it was huge to her. I guess it really helped to see how we communicated with each other.
Prayers sent for you, and your family.

 

[huntin'monkey]

The second letter in this week's Savage Love advice column really speaks to part of your issue. The first letter might be good for you to read too:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=21458257#thisweek

 

[mtnwrunner]

This^^^^ . Most women are long gone emotionally by the time they ask for a separation. Follow the lawyers advice to the letter. I wish you all the success in the world rebuilding your relationship but protect yourself. FYI , if it doesn't work out I can tell you from personal experience that there's plenty of fish in the sea. My heart was so crushed that for the last ten years I've practiced catch and release only but there has been a few keepers I've tossed back. The thought of the pain you are now feeling is truly terrifying.

Good thoughts to share. I'm not sure I would have asked Roksliders for marriage advice but (and that's just me) but anyone who has "been there" doesn't wish this on anyone. All I will say that everything always works out for a reason and you might not see that for a long time and I'll leave you with the words that someone told me when I was going through the same crap. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? As Shrek said, someone else may be just around the corner.

Whichever way your relationship goes---good luck to you.

Randy

 

[WyoElk]

I hate to say it but from reading your post it looks like this is your fault. The good thing is you have owned up to it and appear to have taken responsibility, good for you.

A marriage is 2 sided as you know. You going to counseling alone or trying to repair the entire marriage alone is not going to work. You need to be on the phone at 8am tomorrow and get a counseling appointment set up that you will both attend. Make sure she understands the trouble you have emotionally from your service, and make sure you understand what her side of it is.

Tell her what you have shared with us. Don't be prideful or tough, tell her exactly what it feels like right now. Communication is what will be most helpful, be patient and lead from the front. It might take a week or better before she begins to believe your conviction. Even when she begins to see your effort you have a long way to go.

The love dare book is a good start. Not sure what you and your wife's religous beliefs are but include the big man as much as possible. If you can find a counselor affiliated with the church that would be a good place to look. I will pray for you and your family and hope you the best.

 

[tttoadman]

A few are totally right in the fact that men and women think and see actions differently.

Here is my only thought on this:
For many years, she was begging and pleading to have the loving affectionate husband back. As time has gone on, that elusive affection that she has been seeking continued to move higher on a pedestal. The significant successes that you feel you have made can never compete with the idealistic version that her mind has manifested over time. She is not quite ready to acknowledge your affection because her mind is still telling her it isn't good enough. It is obvious to me that there is a lot of love there from both of you. I think with a little time, true honest affection will begin to find its way over the top of the mental blocks that you have both put up.

I am not trying to be all therapy guy on you, but I spent many years putting my life and my marriage back in a good place after some pretty bad times caused primarily by me.

 

[William Hanson (live2hunt)]

First of all, I can relate to coming on here with personal issues like this as it would probably where I would come if my close personal friends fell short in the support/advice department.

Wasn't your wife the one on here looking for advice on what to do when she couldn't get hold of you in the back country? If so, she clearly still loves you to show that level of concern. I am of the same mind as Jeff in that a lot of folks are that inaccurately disillusioned as to what being "in love" is. Hollywood and books would have us believe that being "in love" is some grand state of perpetual romance and that is simply not reality. Perhaps marital counseling will help bring you both to the same understanding of what your marriage and love should be, it is a little different for everyone and you two will have to carve your own path. From what you've described you want it to work, so do what you have to to be able to live with the amount and type of effort you are investing now, in case it doesn't work.