Issues with a high school coach

[Marbles]

I see two valid choices and one garbage.

Garbage: let it go and let your son stay on that team.

Valid: Go to the school about it.

Valid: Have your son play a different sport or switch schools.

You don't have to pick every fight, but if you pick it, no how far you are willing to go and what you will do if pushed that far. Then act accordingly.

 

[jimh406]

I think the first move is talk to the coach. You can escalate later to other options. I'm assuming you won't just go rant. If you bring up a problem, suggest a way for him to do something besides what he's been doing. Suggest in a nonthreatening manner. That shouldn't be a big deal to the coach if he's interested in being better.

I think most coaches are pretty bad at coaching, and we don't pay them much. I think most try, but most probably coach the way they were coached. In other words, they aren't necessarily good at it just like people at other jobs. He may be wanting to improve. You won't know if you don't talk.

Kids almost never want their parents to take up for them. I think your wife's instincts are pretty good.

 

[Monty2413]

I hate reading things like this, because we've gone through it twice recently. My son decided not to play baseball his senior year of high school because the coach is arrogant beyond belief, disrespectful, and expects my son to pitch every other day. He decided he'd rather work. Sad that one person in that position can ruin it for so many. My daughter quit cheer after her junior year because the coach kept changing stunt groups days before a competition and my kid got dropped twice. She tried to express why she was upset and concerned and the coach told her to "grow up and think of the team". Well she did and they've gone from winning multiple comps to finishing last in the last two.

I hope it doesn't come to quitting because my kids loved their sports and competed for over a decade before losing their passion because of a bad coach

 

[cnelk]

I was a school district employee for 25 years, and was required by law to report any child abuse, by anyone, in the district or the community.

Also, if necessary, most school districts have an anonymous portal for people to report any abuse.

 

[Predator_SD]

Ignore it, nothing you mentioned is a big deal in any way. World is a hard unforgiving place. Its our job as parents to harden our kids so they’re impervious to it when they are no longer under our wing.

 

[Whaledriver]

I will take a shot. I have been an coach of basketball and baseball the past eight years. Previously played at the highschool and collegiate level.

Your first point is valid if true. Making fun of a kid with a disability is out of bounds.

To the other statements. It sounds like a coach trying to motivate kids. Not everyone does that is a positive way. Sometimes that can't be achieved in a touchy Feely way. No disrespect, if your son is starting as a Sophmore, then that gives me pause. You don't mention what level of play 1a, or 6a. Either could have a Sophmore not be able to handle Varsity basketball on an emotional/mental level. Even if the physical skills are there. Younger players tend to run to parents when the mental side of the game gets tough. Usually the kids want their parents to fight their emotional battles for them. That usually ends with the kid quitting.

I am not saying this is a good coach. Over my years of playing and coaching I have watched parents ruin more athletes than coaches. The modern day coddling, egos, prodigy parents, and my kid does no wrong is hard to stomach sometimes.
I would suggest going to all practices. Observe for yourself what goes on. Teach your kids to be resilient. Teach your kids to work hard and take all criticism. It will serve them well when they get into the real world with zero rules!!

Good luck out there!!

 

[Whaledriver]

Sorry meant to reference playing time. Playing time at a Varsity level should be the best match up for a team. That changes throughout a game and season. Promising minutes is no bueno. Minutes are always earned through wirking hard in practice and executing in games. Hustle , mentsl toughness and grit can help too!! That should hsve been covered in a parent meeting.

 

[omicron1792]

I see two valid choices and one garbage.

Garbage: let it go and let your son stay on that team.

Valid: Go to the school about it.

Valid: Have your son play a different sport or switch schools.

You don't have to pick every fight, but if you pick it, no how far you are willing to go and what you will do if pushed that far. Then act accordingly.

Switching schools is valid?

 

[jcojocaru]

Had a issue with an educator getting physical with my son. Principal swept it under the rug because she said she was already short staffed. We escalate it to the school board and superintendent. The lady was fired and trespassed from the campus as soon as the video was reviewed.

After all of this the school had a personal vendetta against my son and he was written up for anything and everything. We ended up needing to transfer schools.

So I'd guess I'd give some thought to your son's wishes and rather look into volunteering to help keep an eye on things.

In middle school, one day I walked into band class and the instructor's laptop screen was open and in path of the door. I don't know why but as I was walking by, I completely spaced out and appeared to be staring at the laptop screen.

The band teacher walks into class and straight up boots me in the ass. I don't remember it hurting, but it completely shocked me and I started crying.

Class was dead silent and scared for the entire duration of class.

 

[ZValentine]

If your son felt compelled to bring it up to you then he is asking you, his father/protector for help. Prioritizing sports over being a good citizen is creating the problem of this coach acting the way he is. Hold the school and the coach accountable.

 

[Reburn]

You said your son has expressed that he wanted yall to stay out of it.
You should honor his wishes and trust his judgement.

 

[Southernfried]

Switching schools is valid?

Not in TN. If an athlete switches high schools anytime after the 9th grade for any reason except academic, or if they move far enough they cant drive it in a normal time frame, they lose a year of eligibility and have to sit out for a year from their last day of playing. Most of the time we went through it, was during a divorce, parents moving for a job etc. and 90% of the time in those cases, everyone agreed it was fine, but outside of that unless both principals, AD and head coach at each school sign the waiver the athlete sits for a year. Least it was that way my last year in 2020. It also all went before an arbitrator and the worst thing a parent could do, would be make a remark about the coach. Arbitrator would sit the kid every time. Now if they want to switch between the 8th and 9th grade and go to a school out of zone, that is fine.

 

[Jbuck]

In middle school, one day I walked into band class and the instructor's laptop screen was open and in path of the door. I don't know why but as I was walking by, I completely spaced out and appeared to be staring at the laptop screen.

The band teacher walks into class and straight up boots me in the ass. I don't remember it hurting, but it completely shocked me and I started crying.

Class was dead silent and scared for the entire duration of class.

From what I've gathered. There was a Para educator that was upset the older students in the hallway. My son wasn't part of that group but was on a bathroom break. He was walking back to the classroom, when the Para shoved him to go the way she was trying to get the older students to go, opposite direction from his class. He was slammed into wall and fell on the ground.

After the Para was fired my kid got written up for anything and everything. Made a finger knife in the lunch room, made a explosion sound with his mouth when he put a toy in the box. Suspended because his Lego cop had a weapon. Tried to suspend him for sexual harassment for singing the SpongeBob song in the cafeteria, that was a interesting meeting with the principal. The list goes on and on and on. He went from a A's and B's to D's and F's.

Switched schools and grades went right back up and never got in trouble again.

 

[bigv]

I've been a teacher and bball coach just short of 30 yrs. Tough situation. I will say that you need to be careful of all things reported from kids. I don't care how wonderful they are, often the whole story doesn't come out or is twisted/exaggerated a bit? Not saying that is this case. Also, very irritating when parents go over coaches head and call the school. Your problem is with the coach not the school. Contact the coach and ask if you could meet him/her with your child present. There's always two sides to a story. Some kids are very soft and you even scowl at them and they cry bloody murder, some are tough as nails and nothing fazes them. Again, I'm not saying any of this pertains to your situation but it usually does in about 80% of them. Don't go bringing gas to a fire until you know all the FACTS. I've made lots of mistakes as a coach. Nothing too serious but been too hard on occasion. Coaches get in trouble because they are competitive and have higher standards for the kids than they do for themselves. Coaching is a livelihood for most coaches. If they don't do well they're replaced which is loss of job/funds. There's pressure. Not for kids. Most kids play for fun. Sports are definitely different now and kids are too.

 

[ODB]

I've been a teacher and bball coach just short of 30 yrs. Tough situation. I will say that you need to be careful of all things reported from kids. I don't care how wonderful they are, often the whole story doesn't come out or is twisted/exaggerated a bit? Not saying that is this case. Also, very irritating when parents go over coaches head and call the school. Your problem is with the coach not the school. Contact the coach and ask if you could meet him/her with your child present. There's always two sides to a story. Some kids are very soft and you even scowl at them and they cry bloody murder, some are tough as nails and nothing fazes them. Again, I'm not saying any of this pertains to your situation but it usually does in about 80% of them. Don't go bringing gas to a fire until you know all the FACTS. I've made lots of mistakes as a coach. Nothing too serious but been too hard on occasion. Coaches get in trouble because they are competitive and have higher standards for the kids than they do for themselves. Coaching is a livelihood for most coaches. If they don't do well they're replaced which is loss of job/funds. There's pressure. Not for kids. Most kids play for fun. Sports are definitely different now and kids are too.

When the coach is a verbally abusive pathological liar, has been fired from many schools, but has her current job because her parents are good friends with the ADs parents, there is nothing you can say to the coach when they are out of line.

It’s quite amazing that the culture of some coaching is one of hard-assness, borderline abuse, etc , and it’s accepted as “you need to learn how to deal with difficult people.” Why does no one seem to take a step back and ask why this is pervasive? Imagine if math teachers acted the same? No one would accept or excuse it. But when it comes to sports it gets a pass.

 

[SDHNTR]

Gotta admit, I’m shocked at some of these responses from folks who think this behavior is OK. Personally, even as a coach who is known for having a “tough love” personality, there is NEVER a place for personal attacks in team sports. At best it is ineffective. At worst it is harmful. Under no circumstances is it beneficial to anyone involved.

 

[bigv]

You need to read what I typed instead of skipping through to make a point. I clearly said, I wasn't saying this was the case in this situation. Number 2..what you type is all FACTS right? You can prove the coach is a pathological liar? Thats been documented? You can prove coach was hired only because of friends with AD? This is a proven FACT?
I'll say it AGAIN, I'm not saying this is the case but this is a reason why coaches are hard to find in this country. Parents losing control over issues that may or may not be true. Parents can't sit back and watch little jonny ride the pine. Think he should be playing. I know the feeling. I have kids in sports too. I have daughter that is playing bball for a coach that has very little knowledge and she isn't playing much. It frustrating to watch but I sit and say nothing. If she has a problem she needs to talk to her coach first before I do anything. Doesn't go that way. Parents just attack without any substance.
But I agree attacks on kids are not right. There's nothing wrong with hammering a team a bit at halftime or whatever if not following gameplan etc. But singling out kids is off course. That was protocol 25 yrs ago. Not so much anymore.

 

[Shootinsurveyor]

This may ruffle some feathers but here we go. I've seen several instances of wives being involved in these scenarios and as mentioned above went and talked to a coach and it didn't go well. Mothers want to protect but they don't often understand the nuances of male sports and male relationships. I wrestled and played football and there are alot of men in both of those who think they are running Parris Island. My mom had to trust my Dad to handle the situation because he had been a athlete too. She would never understand why coaches would grab people by the facemask and scream in their face. Its a hard truth in male society that there are assholes everywhere whether its work or sports. These kids need to learn how to handle people like that early and often for their own good and self awareness of how behaviors look.

If the boy isn't too upset about what's happening, let him handle as he sees fit or not handle at all. He may just walk away with a really good idea of what asshole looks and acts like. You know you own kids enough to see how something is affecting them good or bad. There is no benefit to parents interfering in athletics unless there is actual abuse as defined by law, not just hurt feelings. Some kids can handle tough situations and some can't. No judgement for either way.

It shows poor character for the coach to hammer a disability and if someone important had seen it happen, a professional writeup should be in his file. That's not the first or last time someone will say something mean to the kid about it if its noticeable. Thick skin can be a super power.

 

[BigredRusch]

I'm going to go a slightly different direction than most. Granted I didn't read all the 8 pages of comments.

The most important relationship here is the one between you and your son. It sounds like your son is going to have plenty of opportunities after high school for cross country or basketball, if he wants.

I believe you need to lead by example for your son and show him what's okay and not okay in life. It's not okay to make fun of people with disabilities and it's not okay to motivate people by telling them they suck. If the coach punishes your son because you raised concerns about his behavior, he will have sealed is own end regardless.

Ask yourself how you want your son to act for the rest of his life and act accordingly. Taking playing time for high school out of it. This is more important than 15 minutes of glory. Values will help your son become a better athlete after high school in the end.

Coming from a high school varsity coach here.

 

[ODB]

You need to read what I typed instead of skipping through to make a point. I clearly said, I wasn't saying this was the case in this situation. Number 2..what you type is all FACTS right? You can prove the coach is a pathological liar? Thats been documented? You can prove coach was hired only because of friends with AD? This is a proven FACT?
I'll say it AGAIN, I'm not saying this is the case but this is a reason why coaches are hard to find in this country. Parents losing control over issues that may or may not be true. Parents can't sit back and watch little jonny ride the pine. Think he should be playing. I know the feeling. I have kids in sports too. I have daughter that is playing bball for a coach that has very little knowledge and she isn't playing much. It frustrating to watch but I sit and say nothing. If she has a problem she needs to talk to her coach first before I do anything. Doesn't go that way. Parents just attack without any substance.
But I agree attacks on kids are not right. There's nothing wrong with hammering a team a bit at halftime or whatever if not following gameplan etc. But singling out kids is off course. That was protocol 25 yrs ago. Not so much anymore.

Umm, yeah. They are facts.

And when coaches from other teams during travel events come to you as a parent to report what was said on the sidelines, during practices or passing in the locker room. You have a problem.



Stop defending idiots by challenging whether facts are indeed facts.

And this has NOTHING to do with play time. My kid was a starter and in fact played up to varsity. She played all she wanted. There are other things in life, you know.