Issues with a high school coach

[nphunter]

Curious about opinions. We just finished up basketball season and there were some definite coaching concerns. Here are a list of concerns.

Making fun of kid with hearing impairment in front of team thinking he’s being funny or joking as one of the guys.

After a loss singling out individual athletes in the locker room and telling the team they lost because that kid underperformed that game.

After a loss telling team in locker room that it’s his fault because he subbed in the bench too soon and they shouldn’t have played as much.

Telling kids that they would play a certain amount of time each quarter and playing them zero minutes.

Belittling a kid that started the season late essentially telling him he was a little bitch last season and not to do be a little bitch. (That kid quit the next day and is a phenomenal player that moved to this school to play the previous season.)

I’ve heard from 3 parents that their kids probably won’t play ball for that coach next year. 2 of the boys played AAU with my son and love basketball and are great kids.

I have mixed feelings about the situation, a bunch of the above IMO is unacceptable and defiantly shows the coach is not a great mentor or good coach. However my son is an extremely hard worker and started varsity all season as a sophomore. I don’t want to flag my kid as a problem with the school and don’t want him to be retaliated against if we bring the issues up with the school.

My wife feels 100% like we should bring it to the school, our son doesn’t want us to and I am on the fence. My wife already mentioned the hearing stuff to the kids parent who had already been to the school to talk to them because the coach had been yelling at their son. There son didn’t mention the joking/making fun of him to his parents, probably because he didn’t want them to freak out. But I feel like if it was bad enough our son felt compelled to tell us about it that we should tell them.

Curious if others have felt with similar issues and have advice. The last thing I want to do is cause my kid issues. He’s going to be a starter and the #1 kid on the team the next couple of years and is already a two time state champ in cross so I don’t want to cause him issues with the school. I also want him to know that it isn’t OK for a coach/mentor to be bringing kids down and belittling them driving down confidence.

Thoughts?

 

[Jbuck]

Had a issue with an educator getting physical with my son. Principal swept it under the rug because she said she was already short staffed. We escalate it to the school board and superintendent. The lady was fired and trespassed from the campus as soon as the video was reviewed.

After all of this the school had a personal vendetta against my son and he was written up for anything and everything. We ended up needing to transfer schools.

So I'd guess I'd give some thought to your son's wishes and rather look into volunteering to help keep an eye on things.

 

[Cornhusker]

I coached high school sports mainly basketball and track for 40 years. There are bad coaches just like every other career. Through the years I saw some real losers however I also saw parents blow things up and create problems for their children. I think if it was me I would listen to what your son has to say about the situation they often have a better grasp of the situation than someone who isn't in the locker room or practice. Be real careful that you don't become the parent that is the complainer, your son will have that to deal with if you do.

 

[missjordan]

F that i would be getting involved. Because if you don’t who else will? I’m more so speaking on the grounds of the coach running the kid with the hearing impairment through the mud. That’s not fair, he has a disability. He shouldn’t be an ass. Bullying in general should not be tolerated. Coaches need to lead with good examples, be encouraging, and help students work hard to achieve their goals.

I don’t have a dog in this fight as my child isn’t old enough for sports. However as a parent I feel like we need to be raising good humans who need to have a sense for when a person is being abusive to not tolerate that behavior. Because if we teach them to tolerate that, what are we really saying? That in future relationships is it ok for their spouse to be emotionally volatile? That huge promotion is on the line but the boss is always gas lighting their associates about deadlines that never end? What about encouraging your child to hang around the uncle who is an alcoholic but because he’s family you need to be close to him? While as a parent you know he’s unsafe? Lastly, should our children continue to play for a coach that is not emotionally healthy for the sake of because sports is more important? No F that. Emotional abuse is still abuse.

If the coach is bullying, we need to raise good humans that won’t participate in activities around people who they know are not safe people. so that leaves two choices, either go play for another sports team, or stand up to the coach. Even if we stand alone it’s the right thing to do.

One thing nobody will ever be able to take away from your kid is their integrity and their work ethic. You can’t fake that. Let the school think what they want to think. I repeat You cant fake that. Keep showing up as a good human and keep out working everybody,

Signed- a person who growing up was repetitively told i needed to tolerate unsafe people. Whether it was the bullying teacher or the alcoholic uncle. Break the cycle.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Wrench]

Our kids are going to state this year, both the boys and girls. We have a 2nd year coach, Jake Green who has been honored with coach of the year. It is amazing to watch our entire bench play and if you look us up on maxpreps you'll see our little 2b school has a 22-2 season with one loss to a #2 in the state 4a school.

Jake pulls so much out of the kids its insane. He has a metronome clap that gets the whole place going and acts as a beat for the kids to pace their plays.

I wish I could have had a coach like that when I was in school.

You might tell your coach to look up reardan and pay attention to how Jake runs his show and stop being such a douche. Positive attention gets results. Picking on a deaf kid gets you beat up.

 

[TaperPin]

Coaching is full of ass hats, always has been and always will be. Not discounting anything that has happened, but being able to work with difficult people is an important skill, in both sports and life. We try to encourage our kids to find techniques that work for them to be able to do the thing they like and not let a jerk effect their enjoyment any more than necessary. It’s like a game in itself.

Most coaches aren’t going to change for any one student so it can set them up for disappointment to say you’re going to fix the coach, or get him to do anything differently.

It can be liberating learning how difficult people don’t have to get under their skin. It’s a skill and gets better developed the more it’s worked on. As an extreme example my cousin is a big city jailer and he spends all day dealing with difficult people and he literally thinks of it as a game with big children who aren’t thinking straight. He doesn’t want to hurt them, or have them hurt anyone, and doesn’t take anything personally even if it turns into a wrestling match.

We visualize them as someone with a situation that you can’t be mad at and you aren’t intimidated by - maybe a toddler, or crazy person, or whatever.

Learning some vocabulary that helps acknowledge the difficult person and diffuse the tension in the kid’s head. When Charlie Parker on 2-1/2 Men says, “I understand,” that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Learning to say it without a smirk can be the hard part.

When we talk through a difficult situation I start by reminding our boy we’re talking about a known knuckle head special needs person, so we aren’t going to change them and we can’t try to reason with someone who is unreasonable. What can we do to accomplish our goals of having fun and doing well in the activity while having to work with and work around the toddler.

It’s ok if it’s just not worth it for them, but life is full of difficult people and a different coach, or different team mates may not be any better.

Our sensitive son has actually turned out to be really good at this and handles difficult people better than I do. Our tough as nails super athlete son gets frustrated easily so has had to work on it a lot back in school as well as with coworkers and management.

 

[gbflyer]

Should join wrestling team. Sorry that’s my standard answer for HS Basketball problems.

 

[roadrunner]

Hope the coach knows he can get into some legal trouble over the first one you mentioned...

 

[nphunter]

We already brought the hearing stuff to the attention of the kids parents, I don’t think it’s our place to address it.

My reservation is that I don’t really have a dog in the fight, my kid is the youngest kid on the team and started all season long. He absolutely loves sports and his friends and is a huge part of a 2 time state champ team at the school and is on course for 4 state championships. (Not basketball)

He was called out a couple times through the season, once the coach essentially said if he would have made his shots the team would have won. To me that makes the guy a dick and poor coach, but I also don’t think that’s grounds to complain to the AD. Some of the stuff he did to other kids is what is really crappy but I don’t want my kid to suffer for us trying to do the just thing for all the other kids.

My wife disagrees with me and thinks that the only reason I don’t want to bring it to the AD is because of our son and it’s not fair to the other kids or future kids on the team. While I agree with her I selfishly don’t want to get involved to cause drama for my kid. Either way he will play pretty much the entirety of every game for the next couple years because he will be the best kid on the team, all the other starters graduated this year. I don’t want him to have to deal with a pissed off coach the next couple years either because he loves basketball.

In a perfect world the parents of the kid that was discriminated against would take it to the AD or School board and they would address it. Although all of this is just hearsay from a bunch of teenage boys so I’m not sure how much weight it would hold with the administrators.

Hope the coach knows he can get into some legal trouble over the first one you mentioned...

 

[ODB]

My kid had an asshole VB coach for two years - a lying, two-faced, arrogant dork. I had a long convo with the AD about the issues (I was the 5th parent on the team to talk to the AD about the exact same issues) and said that if they weren't addressed and changes made there would not be a third year. There wasn't a third year.

I hear a lot of "The kid needs to learn to get along with difficult people, etc." Not not a single person I know would put up with a boss who did the same thing. Why demand it of a kid under the guise of "life lesson?"

 

[Beagle1]

What lessons do you want your son to learn from how you handle this?

 

[Poser]

You might consider a scenario where your son schedules a 1:1 with the coach and goes in with his grievances written out in bullet points. If he is indeed the future #1 player, it should carry some weight with the coach. If it achieves nothing, I don't think he risks very much. There are obvious lessons learned when it comes to working with difficult people, though there is also a line where you can't simply pass the problem on to the next generation. The problem in, people like this often lack the self awareness to self reflect even when confronted with the hard truth. Maybe the guy is capable of self reflection, maybe he's not. Ultimately, I think you should lean into your son's perspective and put him more in the position of confronting the situation, if he chooses.

 

[MallardSX2]

Coaching is full of ass hats, always has been and always will be.

Fact and one of the truest things ever posted on RS. lol

 

[Elmer J. Fudd]

How valuable is this coach? Maybe the team would be better off with a different coach? Doesn’t sound like the type of guy that pulls potential out of people.

 

[Coveyleader]

Fact and one of the truest things ever posted on RS. lol

Let’s not forget about the parents that drive coaches insane!

 

[Lelder]

making fun of a student athlete for any impairment is a great way for a coach to have a vision impairment after a father does his duty of protecting children and blackening some eyes

 

[cnelk]

Typically coaches are also teachers in the school.
This issue probably isnt limited to athletics.

That elevates it to the principal not the AD

 

[Southernfried]

I was a volunteer assistant baseball coach for over 10 years at our local high school. For 3 different coaches, all coaches have their good traits and bad. Saying that..

I have also seen other coaches that were ruined by parents going full tilt on a principal based on what "little johnny" told them. All because their son was a Senior and sitting the bench, while a Freshman that worked their tail off were playing. Sometimes players have a vendetta against a coach as well. Watch how the players interact with the coach on the side. Do the majority seem to be getting a long with the guy? Seem to work hard for the guy? Your son does, well, so should the others.

Not saying none of what your son told you isnt the truth, far from it, but for the simple fact you stated your son is a hard worker, and earned his spot speaks volumes about him as a player. As it should be. IF your son has an issue with anything the coach is doing, he should speak to him. IF he does not, that is ok too. If he is a Sophomore that worked their way into the starting lineup, the coach sees something in your son, that he does not see in the other older kids, maybe that is where the complaints are coming from. Jealousy.. I would let it come from him and not the parents. I will tell you, if a coach has a player that has worked their tail off, and earned a spot in the starting lineup, that coach/player already have a rapport with one another, that your son should be able to talk to him about anything. ANYTHING..

Even when my own son got to high school and was playing for me, he still had a better rapport with the head coach, than he had with me, and he played all 3 sports his freshman year, then he dropped basketball and played football and baseball his last 3 years.

There are always two sides to every story, or perspective. But I already feel your son knows the lessons he can learn from the guy, and lessons not to learn. These kids these days are extremely sharp in this area. I wish ya luck OP, high school athletics is a trying time, but listen to your son, I'm sure he has more knowledge of everything "behind the scenes" than any of the parents, even my son knew more about everything going on as well and I was at every practice, game, stats, mowing etc lol. There are interactions they have with the coaches in their day to day, that most people never see....just listen to your son. Good luck.

 

[Hoghead]

When I coached high school football we dealt with parents that thought kids were all stars that weren't. We had kids telling there parents how good they were and should be playing more. The parents would come talk to us and find out there son was missing practice and other issues. The parents would feel like they should defend there child and find out they were being lied to or the situation was not what they were told. I am not suggesting this is your son. The coaches should always be open to talking to parents its part of there job. There were times I was wrong and didn't see it. I would observe practices or try to help coach. The coach should never tease a kid about a disability that is completely wrong. I would talk to the coach and explain your concerns calmly give him the opportunity to see his mistakes. Remember your son is watching you and is learning from how you handle things. Good luck with your situation if there is anything else I can help with feel free to ask.

 

[MuleyFever]

Wow, didnt even need to read past the first one to know this guy needs to be delt with.