Failing marrige

[Xxtavixx]

I really dont know what to do here. Im sorry to post it here. I cant talk to family and friends without isolating what fragile relationships people have with my wife. This is the only place I feel like minded people exist, and in some ways a small sense of bond.

My marriage is failing. Things havent been good for a while, and she has admitted she has some issues she needs to sort out for years. She cant find the time or willpower to go to counseling and Im taking the slack and damage from those issues.

We have an 11 month old daughter who I love and cannot risk losing. My wife would be unable to care for her as a single mother due to her issues, but my wife hasnt gone to counseling and isnt take any medication that would result in me getting custody. It seems like the society still hasnt come around to the fact that dads can be the better parent and Im scared to lose my daughter. If my wife and I split, she would move away.

Ive basically stopped hunting for almost 2 years and put her needs in front of mine. I cook. I do most of the cleaning. I do the yard work. I maintain the vehicles. I have the baby 80-90% of the time we are home. Im met with “i feel like you dont love me anymore” so often that I cant go on much longer. I do the overnights and wake up early so she can sleep in on the weekends. I buy her flowers and make her nice dinners she likes. I rub her back when it hurts and watch her shows when she wants to relax and still wants to spend time together. I tell her she is beautiful (she is), and that I love her and give her all the “decompression” time she needs.

Every story has two sides. Ive worked hard on my side but Ive seen no effort on hers.

And Im burnt out. Im about to have the big talk. If she cant agree to go to counseling and stick with a program I cannot see us making it to year end.

 

[Grover]

I am very sorry to see you go through this. I can identify in multiple ways and the ONLY thing that saved my marriage was her going on medication. I gave her a choice of getting help or splitting up. We had two small kids then and that was 20 years ago. Have our 31st anniversary this November. But, we would have never made it had she not seen a physician. She would not do counseling.
Clearly you are at the end of your rope and I can’t imagine anything worse. I’m a newbie but If you need to talk to someone feel free to PM me and I will give you my cell.

 

[Akwoodchuck]

Been there...been exactly damn there...all I can say is, be the rock, but do not take any abuse....however it shakes out, you will know you did your best. Best wishes to you, and hang in there....

P.S: the book "The Four Agreements" helped me through some real tough similar situations...it's a little corny, but the concepts are solid gold...

The Four Agreements - Wikipedia

en.m.wikipedia.org

 

[manitou1]

Sometimes no matter how much you want it to work, it does not. I hope it does, but you are dealing with two people and if one of them doesn't have their heart in it, no matter how much you try, in the end she still has her own opinions. My wife and I went through the same about 12 yrs ago. She left. I prayed 3-4x a day for restoration. We were back together three months the after the divorce. Been married 22 yrs now total.
I do hope all works out for you... all three of you. All you can do is let her know you love her and are there for her. Give her the space she needs and hope she comes around.

 

[MattB]

It sounds as though may be suffering from mental illness. Perhaps medication would be helpful.

 

[Wrench]

11 month old baby....I've lived through the post menapausal hell. If she was unstable before and suffering from pmd....I feel for you.

Nobody can advise you on what to do....but having a bunch of kids myself and having been down this road, I'd proceed with caution.

 

[Xxtavixx]

Thanks all.

We talked. It was...rough. But overall, we made some progress. She is agreeing to see a counsellor.

Obviously I have my faults in this, too. The idea of seperating terrifies me, and then you mix in my baby girl and my heart shatters.

I pray things settle down and we can resume the love we once shared together

 

[Carr5vols]

Pray for The Lords will.

 

[Pelagic]

Sounds like a good step in the right direction. The book The 5 Love Languages helped my wife and me a lot. It’s worth checking out if you haven’t already.

 

[rlmmarine]

If you need someone to talk to give me a call 4074841400 ill listen and give you the best advice i can

 

[Midwest.Bushlore]

Smoke sent! I went through a divorce 25 years ago and it was agonizing. Better to split if you can't live with each other but I'd hate to walk without exhausting every option I had. I hope that you folks can work things out!

 

[Nate_Beres]

Praying for you. Hunting community is here for you. Keep us posted. God bless you man


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[Cdroot89]

Xxtavixx, I second “The 5 Love Languages” suggestion from Pelagic. If you PM me your name and address I will send it to you if you like.

 

[unclericco]

This story sounds pretty familiar. It sounds like she is checking out of the marriage bud. Perhaps you guys can fix it but she isn’t and hasn’t been functioning for quite some time from what you’ve described. I was married 21 years and my wife checked out very similarly and we tried to go to counseling and she even had me reading self help books when it was actually her that needed them. She ended up cheating and I filed for divorce 2 weeks after I made her admit to it. I engaged in a 1.5 year long, hellish custody battle where I ended up with primary custody. If it goes south, remember that you have as much right to parent the child as she does and no matter what you do, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. That is 90% of dads first mistake on this voyage. Message me if you need to chat.

 

[AlleghenyMountain]

Without knowing issues she may have had before pregnancy, it sounds like post partum depression. Glad she's agreed to counseling.

 

[Xxtavixx]

Thanks everyone, the support is overwhelming me in such a good way. Its far more challenging to go through it without wanting to ruin your current friendships and family ties.

We did read the 5 love languages a few years back, great book that has helped a lot. With everything going on in our lives weve slacked a bit on making sure the others love cup is full. I know its unfair to say, but she hasnt put near the effort in that I have.

Hoping things from tonight do help, and she does get the counseling to get her out of depression.

 

[*zap*]

So, since you cannot control what another person does I think your obligation is to be happy within yourself and your situation. You only live once. Good luck.

 

[Blinginpse]

I wish you the best. My wife left me August 28 of 2018. Just up and gone I tried my tail off to save it november she was "getting me papers" i didnt hear from her till February when she showed back.up asking me.to let her come back and fix our marriage. Now things are on the mend somewhat. She talked me Into counseling and I went in with an open mind and it helped us both I feel. I read books I stayed secluded I hurt like hell. I waited her out and she ended up coming back. Maybe I'm a fool for it but marriage is important to me after my childhood.

My advice is If you have faith read your bible. Love hopes all things. Dont decide anything when pissed. Have boundaries for yourself and stand by them. Best of luck. I know the hell your living and I hate it for you

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[HunterZ]

I’ll pray for you and your family.

 

[MeatBuck]

Been down this road... Started with "mental illness" and 11 yrs later she's a worthless meth addict and I have full custody of my son. But ten years were spent trying to get that custody. Women who lie make family court a total nightmare. Hire a good attorney if you can afford it. Best of luck.