Best kid one liners

[Bucky44]

My son was probably 8, I took him the driving range for the first time. I'm giving him a quick lesson on how to hit a golf ball and he stops me and says "are we here to talk or hit golf balls?" OK. Let's hit some balls. Lol.

Wrestling with my 3-year-old son on the floor, when suddenly he stopped looked at my head, and said your hair is no good the skin is coming thru. Bald damn.

 

[hh76]

My trailer needs a new tire, so I loaded the four wheeler into the bed of my truck. As I was lining up the ramps my daughter came out to watch. She said "I've seen this on "America's Funniest Home Videos", it rarely goes well."

 

[Finn16]

When my son was 12, I called in a jake turkey in the fall season and he shot it at 17 yards and nearly took it's head off. The next spring I called in a flock of 7 jakes, he picks one out, and once again, it's 17 yards when he pulls the trigger. The bird flops and is dead. After congratulating him I start looking at the turkey's head and I see a total of 2 pellet holes - that's it. I tell him he needs to take a more careful aim next time as he nearly missed. His response was, "dad it's dead what's your point?"

 

[Steve300xcw]

He's gotta point

 

[Macro]

Two men discussing the one's divorce and says, 'You never really know a woman until you meet her in court - she cried and the judged wiped her tears with my checkbook.

 

[shader112]

Some of these are hilarious. Great thread

 

[turbobrick]

My four year old nephew has started using 'stupid' as a cuss word. My sister would rather that he didn't say stupid all the time, and he know it. We've had a never ending winter here, and after a few nice sunny days, it snowed overnight. My nephew woke up, stared at the snow through the slider, looked back and simply said "What in the stupid?". My sister let it slide since everyone else was feeling the same way.

 

[Jxferg7]

My 6 year old shocked everyone at my one year olds birthday party. Simply said “Yee Haw Motha F$$kers” haha I Love kids!!

 

[bpa556]

My coworker had a daughter in Girl Scouts. One day his wife and daughter were selling cookies with a bunch of other girl scouts and their mothers. My coworker's daughter repeated something to all of them she'd heard her dad say. "My dad said he got kicked out of the Scouts for eating Brownies." His wife was mortified and PISSED!

I got here late, but I predict this post doesn’t get the credit it deserves in this thread!!!!


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[bpa556]

I play this game with my cat sometimes where I swipe at him with my bare hands to play and see how many times I can do it before he gets me with his claws and draws blood. Anyway, I call it "Kitty-Cat blood sport" and my wife thinks I am an idiot but my cat enjoys it. Anyway, a few weeks ago we are at PetCo and my 5 year old Daughter looks at me and says, "Daddy, look there are some kittens over there, why dont you play kitty-cat blood sport?" We were in front of some people that kind of stared at me...

Your wife is not wrong. You write from the perspective of a husband, but the “my cat” words indicate you are a child under 12 or a cat lady. Please elaborate.

The 2020’s are so confusing for hetero folks….


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[bpa556]

I have a 13yr old son and a 8yr old daughter that just love to hate each other. I mean anything to get at the other one. Sitting at the supper table about a month ago the 13yr old is asking his mom for the 100th time if he can rent a tuxedo for the winter dance. And my wife has had enough of him asking. So she gives him a very firm "NO, END OF DISCUSSION".


I could tell it bothered him because he put his head down and was just eating. I could see his eyes were starting to well up a little bit, but he was really trying to hold it in.

WELL, his 8yr old sister is sitting right beside him. And will pounce at the chance to get one in on him. So she ever So slowly leans her down close to her plate and looks over at him at his level and says "don't let them salt tears get in your food there little buddy, might ruin your supper"

Your daughter is now one of my favorite people! That is legitimately funny adult-level hilarious right there!!


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[coloyooper]

Had a parent teacher conference one day for my now 6 year old. He was 4/5 at the time and in pre-K. While playing with one of his friends on a pretend phone, the teacher overheard him saying, “stop taking my money you Democrat!”

Fortunately the teachers thought it was hilarious as we live in a (more) conservative town in Colorado.

 

[bpa556]

Was chasing bugles and mews and one of my boys kept saying "come-on dad lets go" as I'm huffing and puffing along. We popped over a ridge only to find the noisy beasts out of range, half-way up and motoring up the opposite mountainside. I'm knackered and say "Son, I can't chase them over another mountain." He's quick to accept that but then says "How about those?" and points to a bunch of quiet elk in the bottom of the valley. Those down there? I'm going after those. ...

Nice to see a British kid with that brand of self-possession!


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[h2so4]

6yr old son, as we pull up to a Red light, "Dad, see if that old lady next to us wants to race!"

 

[ScottRK]

Remembered another- daughter was about 3 and walked in on my 8 year old boy drying off after a shower and had forgot to lock the door. She came out huge eyes and said “HE’S GOT A TAIL!!”
He came out of there smirking and pretty sheepishlike.

 

[7mm-08]

This thread and the "Dictionary" thread by GotDraw? a few weeks ago are the most humorous threads ever on Rokslide.

 

[Drenalin]

 

[Earp]

One night in deer camp right after Obama first got elected, a fellow hunter was going on about how great Obama was and how glad he was that he won. My then ten year old son tells him, “All these guns around camp, why would you ever admit you voted for Obama?”

 

[GSPHUNTER]

I have a Russian boar mount above my fire place, well when my grandson was young it scared him so much we had to cover it when he came over. On his second birthday we were sitting in the family room, we forgot to cover it, and were sitting at the table have birthday cake when he looked up at the pig and announced, "F*#king pig". My daughter looked at me and said, DAD !!!!!!!!!!!!!. I'm like, what??????

 

[dtrkyman]

Years ago, at an archery range I had just finished a 5x end, hung up my bow and a kid maybe 7 or 8 years old says, hey your pretty good. lol just simply said thanks.