Best kid one liners

[Geewhiz]

A couple days after a family move night watching Home Alone, my wife took my 5 y/o daughter and 3 y/o daughter to the grocery store. They are standing in the checkout line and my wife overhears my oldest daughter tell the younger “I wouldn’t let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my a$$!”

“Is this toothbrush approved by the American dental association?” No idea why out of all the home alone one-liners, that’s the one that I always chuckle about. That and, “no clothes on anyone, sickening!”.

 

[Elmer J. Fudd]

My 4 year old daughter and I were watching Bambi. We get to the part when Bambi gets separated from his mother. The shot rings out. She looks at me stone faced and says “she ain’t coming out dad. She dead” nonchalantly. I chuckled and told my wife this one’s ready to go hunting.

 

[Zsyacsure]

Last summer we got back from a camping trip with my wife and two kids. We were with some folks who drop their few share of F bombs no matter if there’s young kids or not. My 4 year old daughter like to help drop the camper and unload the truck with me as we almost have everything unloaded she’s standing on the tailgate looking into the bed of my truck and says “dad your truck is F**king dirty”
My wife and I just looked at each other shaking our heads trying not to laugh.

 

[cornfedkiller]

A couple days after a family move night watching Home Alone, my wife took my 5 y/o daughter and 3 y/o daughter to the grocery store. They are standing in the checkout line and my wife overhears my oldest daughter tell the younger “I wouldn’t let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my a$$!”

My kid just told his sister the other day that she's "what the French call 'les incompentents'".

 

[Hunt the Top]

My kid just told his sister the other day that she's "what the French call 'les incompentents'".

Lol, great movie


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[timberland]

My brother in law was telling my 13 yo nephew that they were expecting another baby. The nephew asked if they were trying to have more kids, and my BIL said no (it was unexpected). My nephew is quit for a minute and says "oh, so it was just for fun?"

 

[WoodBow]

Our 3 year old daughters vocabulary and phrases exploded when she started in a parents day out program. She has managed to confuse the terms "you are getting on my nerves" and "you are driving me nuts". She says " you are getting on my nuts". I love it.

 

[Pacific_Fork]

My 2.5 year old said something to me yesterday and thought of this thread.

While changing her clothes I had my shirt off in the house, she looked at my bare chest and pointed at my nipple and asked “What’s that?” I said “well that’s my man nipple” in which she replied “looks like salami!” I lol’d so hard it made her upset.

 

[Drenalin]

My 6 year old daughter talking about having a snowball fight with my 3 year old son:

"I'm going to make one shaped like a heart to throw at his head! Because I love him."

 

[SuspiciousFish]

I play this game with my cat sometimes where I swipe at him with my bare hands to play and see how many times I can do it before he gets me with his claws and draws blood. Anyway, I call it "Kitty-Cat blood sport" and my wife thinks I am an idiot but my cat enjoys it. Anyway, a few weeks ago we are at PetCo and my 5 year old Daughter looks at me and says, "Daddy, look there are some kittens over there, why dont you play kitty-cat blood sport?" We were in front of some people that kind of stared at me...

 

[JakeSCH]

my 4 year old daughter - "Dad, you know when I turn 21 I am going to Alaska all by myself and going to kill a moose"

I responded, "wait, can I go with you??"

After a long pause thinking about it, she begrudgingly said, "well okay, you can come only if you carry the meat for me"

 

[Billogna]

We were loading up to go camping, getting tents, and sleeping gear together when my then 3 yo son blurts out, "don't forget to pack the 'freakin bags'!!!" His mom and I shared a few giggles over that one!! We call them that to this day!! If that kid had any idea... lol

 

[Sherman]

Not a one-liner, but an assignment my son, Jonah, did in 3rd grade. His teacher was the pastors wife. Look at #7 on the assignment.

 

[Vaultman]

Not a one-liner, but an assignment my son, Jonah, did in 3rd grade. His teacher was the pastors wife. Look at #7 on the assignment. View attachment 484630

"NG" is one of the options, so they were kind of asking for it.

 

[WhatToHunt]

My son was 3 and walked up to me in the kitchen where he told me, "Dad, I pooped on the rocking chair."
I replied sternly, "You better be lying."
Deadpan he said, "I'm not a lion, I'm a tiger." Then he just walked away.
There was no poop on the rocking chair, for the record.

 

[butcherboy]

Here’s another one that has stuck in our family. When my now 5 yr old daughter was potty training she just got done on the toilet and I asked her if she used toilet paper. She said “yep, I wiped my back bum and my front bum!”

 

[ETtikka]

When my son was 10ish, we were watching tv, a pharmaceutical commercial comes on , giving the typical warnings about this could cause issues with your heart, diabetes, Genitals, headaches, etc. my son asked why can’t Gentiles like us take that Medicine?

 

[elkyinzer]

For a stretch my oldest daughter was calling her pants "knee sleeves". We still call them that all the time it' great.

 

[orionsbrother]

I was out for a bike ride with our middle one who was, I think, ten at the time.

There’s a raised railroad bed that we cross at one point on the trail. I sped up and powered up the twelve feet or so of loose stone and dismounted jauntily at the top. My foot hit the loose stones and plowed a few feet down the side of the raised bed and then caught and stopped, but my momentum continued and I dumped hard onto the ground against a bush at the bottom of the raised bed, next to the trail.

I looked up at the ten year old who was looking down at me with concern.

“Dad. How many people do you think have stopped here and peed on that spot?”

 

[long hunter]

When our son was a toddler we took him to a parade, it was a big one and full of fire engines, as they passed with the lights on and such, he would get really excited and pointing and yelling Fire F@@@s. Other folks were looking at him as the wife and I attempted to tell him they are fire trucks. So, he replies with a yep Fire f@@@s. He is now 45 years old and if are somewhere and there's a fire truck I point and yell Fire f@@@s. Being a parent is a wonderful thing especially since you can embarrass the older children and grand kids.