Wondering If I'm The Only one in this Predicament

[GodSpeed1]

Hello,
I got a younger brother. 10 plus years ago we had a dust up, apologies were said, everything seemed fine, now 12 years later I am seeing in clear sight at a family gathering that this guy still holds a serious grudge. Haven't seen this dude in like 2 years since I had to go to school in the midwest for some time, & Couldn't even get a 'Hello' out of this dude after all the thoughtful shit I've done for him. Smartass comments, sunglasses at the dinner table, standoffish energy - yeah I saw the hate in broad daylight. Don't know where it came from & was kind of bummed cause I was hoping we could be normal brothers, hunt the Rocky mountains together, watching each others' blind side & the like. But at the end of the day, I figure a person who treats me like dogwater unwarranted isn't a person I can continue giving my great energy, good intentions, & time to, blood or not. Anyone else ever found themselves in a spot like this? Just wondering, thanks

 

[arrow179]

Did you pee in his Cheerios or what??

 

[GodSpeed1]

Did you pee in his Cheerios or what??

Shit don’t know what dudes’ problem is seems like a hell of a long time to carry all that anger on your person

 

[survivalistd]

Sounds like jealousy of some sort. Personally went through it with my sister. Took a long time but we are good now. I didn't waste any energy worrying about it. Time will tell..

 

[survivalistd]

Did you pee in his Cheerios or what??

You may have a point here.

 

[GodSpeed1]

Sounds like jealousy of some sort. Personally went through it with my sister. Took a long time but we are good now. I didn't waste any energy worrying about it. Time will tell..

Thanks for that man and you’re right time will tell

 

[wapitibob]

The days of being "brothers" and the blissful future you're dreaming of are not likely to happen.
Move on; the ball's in his court.

 

[Big Sky Guy]

My biological father and I haven’t communicated in almost 4 years. Won’t go into all the details as it’s part of my backup retirement portfolio to turn it into a novel but long story short as long as you have made your amends and apologized if needed etc. I would prly just recommend keeping the door to that relationship closed but unlocked if that makes sense - boundaries. You can only worry about and put so much energy in. Biggest thing I learned in premarital counseling, which applies to all relationships, is that you can only control your actions, not the actions of those you love. People obsess and spend their lives trying to get family to love them the way they want to be loved etc.

I am totally open to that relationship with my dad whenever/if he ever desires to have it all he has to do is open the door but it’s crazy how your perspective of family can change in a literal instant and then you can see the past in a totally different context.

Family can really suck. I’m sorry, I can say I know exactly how you feel in regards to unmet/unrealized expectations of someone you love such as family. I too dreamed of hunting every year out west here or wherever with my dad but it hasn’t ended up that way and I’ve come to accept that’s just part of living in our fallen world. My wife and her sister sound similar to you and your brother. My wife desired that Hallmark sister blissful relationship doing trips and girl time etc. but ultimately her sister decided that’s not at all what she wanted. It hurts.

 

[Marbles]

If you want to have a brotherly relationship, then treat him like a brother regardless of how he behaves.

You haven't seen him in 2 years, did you bother talking to him during that time?

Perhaps his behavior towards you is a byproduct of something else in his life you are not aware of.

You can only control yourself, if you start digging the same whole, there is no getting out of it. At least don't get pissy and start digging it with him.

Family is hard, sometimes stepping back and giving space is the correct thing. However, love is not something to be withheld, it is a commitment to actively seek good for another. Love is not being a doormat or puppy dog either; but, if your being nice to someone is based on their behavior towards you, then you never actually loved them to start.

 

[arrow179]

Shit don’t know what dudes’ problem is seems like a hell of a long time to carry all that anger on your person

Well I will add this as a perspective to my last comment. I lost my older brother over 10 years ago in his mid 30’s (he was my only sibling). We were super close growing up as we were only 1 year apart in age. There were things I regret not getting to do with him but life never goes the way you want it to.

I will also say it depends on what the situation was but if you have said your apologies to the best of your ability in person then the last thing I would recommend is to hand write him a letter and say what you want to him so he can read it multiple times if he wants then let it be. Once you have done that, then don’t carry around the extra weight of it wherever you go. Let him decide if he wants to take the next step to heal the relationship.

 

[GodSpeed1]

If you want to have a brotherly relationship, then treat him like a brother regardless of how he behaves.

You haven't seen him in 2 years, did you bother talking to him during that time?

Perhaps his behavior towards you is a byproduct of something else in his life you are not aware of.

You can only control yourself, if you start digging the same whole, there is no getting out of it. At least don't get pissy and start digging it with him.

Family is hard, sometimes stepping back and giving space is the correct thing. However, love is not something to be withheld, it is a commitment to actively seek good for another. Love is not being a doormat or puppy dog either; but, if your being nice to someone is based on their behavior towards you, then you never actually loved them to start.

I would write and send well wishes cards and stuff like that and spend what little money I had to get him gifts and stuff for all the holidays or birthday and I feel like I was showing love so to receive the getaway from me energy after not seeing guy for two years definitely caught me off guard.

 

[Marbles]

I would write and send well wishes cards and stuff like that and spend what little money I had to get him gifts and stuff for all the holidays or birthday and I feel like I was showing love so to receive the getaway from me energy after not seeing guy for two years definitely caught me off guard.

Personally, that would make me mad. I would struggle in how exactly to handle things. My typical response is to try once or twice, then step back and give people space. Normally the results in minimal further interaction and I just assume they don't need me in their life, had it happen with two friends. If either of them called and needing help, I would do all I could for them.

One of them was my best man, I didn't expect him to fade me out, but it became clear I was the only one trying to maintain the friendship.

 

[ODB]

are you the younger brother that moved away? Whats the age difference?

 

[GodSpeed1]

Personally, that would make me mad. I would struggle in how exactly to handle things. My typical response is to try once or twice, then step back and give people space. Normally the results in minimal further interaction and I just assume they don't need me in their life, had it happen with two friends. If either of them called and needing help, I would do all I could for them.

One of them was my best man, I didn't expect him to fade me out, but it became clear I was the only one trying to maintain the friendship.

That makes sense & I echo your feelings there man

 

[GodSpeed1]

are you the younger brother that moved away? Whats the age difference?

I got about 5 years on him we both moved back to our home state at the same time apparently

 

[rob86jeep]

Not really enough info here to understand what's going on. If you really want feedback, people probably need to know what the "dust up" was, how old were both of you when it happened, and a lot more details. Also, saying you would write and send well wishes cards (for one thing the verbiage seems strange in today's age) doesn't really sound like two brothers who have a healthy, brotherly, relationship. Lastly, things like wearing sunglasses at the dinner table likely aren't directed at you, but just a general rude thing to do unless the circumstances dictate it. Mentioning that makes me wonder what all the other details are...

 

[LCguy]

I have a similar situation. I just realized that all his problems with me stemmed from shit that he needed to deal with on his end so I just stopped worrying about it. No use letting it affect me when it really has nothing to do with me.

 

[B Harrison]

Hello,
I got a younger brother. 10 plus years ago we had a dust up, apologies were said, everything seemed fine, now 12 years later I am seeing in clear sight at a family gathering that this guy still holds a serious grudge. Haven't seen this dude in like 2 years since I had to go to school in the midwest for some time, & Couldn't even get a 'Hello' out of this dude after all the thoughtful shit I've done for him. Smartass comments, sunglasses at the dinner table, standoffish energy - yeah I saw the hate in broad daylight. Don't know where it came from & was kind of bummed cause I was hoping we could be normal brothers, hunt the Rocky mountains together, watching each others' blind side & the like. But at the end of the day, I figure a person who treats me like dogwater unwarranted isn't a person I can continue giving my great energy, good intentions, & time to, blood or not. Anyone else ever found themselves in a spot like this? Just wondering, thanks

Complete WAG here, but posting this here is a bit of a red flag.
None of us can help or give you valid advice about your family situation.

I’ll give you advice for you, that’s universal.
Start in the mirror! Are you good with you?
Are you taking care of your wife, children, parents……
If that is a yes or NA, then continue on without worrying.

If you can do any better for you, then focus on that first.

If you and your brother aren’t close, stop worrying about hunting together, and reach out to him about what he sees as a potential hindrance on your relationship.


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