What would you do?

[Bubblehide]

Wastchbuck, you've gotten plenty of good advice here to consider, but I'll add to it. My Graduate degree is in Counseling, specifically, Marriage and Family Counseling and School Psychology. I currently work as a School Psychologist. I've worked as a therapist, and in the mental health field. What I can tell you is that the perfect marriage does not exist. Any relationship takes work, to make it survive. You being a father, I am sure are well aware of this, as children tend to test parents throughout their lives, as they grow-up.

The polygraph has a 50% accuracy rate, per research. So passing a polygraph test is a toss-up, as far as outcome. The fact that a person willingly takes it is often given more weight than the results, in situations where evidence is non-existent. It's a great tool for law enforcement, as the polygraph can be utilized to manipulate the "suspect". Outside criminal investigations, I question it's appropriateness. However, if you want to keep your marriage together, it's an option that might help in that (keeping in mind the accuracy rate).

Despite you completing a polygraph or not, despite your desire to keep your marriage together or not; I strongly suggest counseling/therapy, for you and your wife, and possibly for your children (they are way more perceptive than most give them credit for, and not all children are resilient). I guarantee, your children are aware that things are not exactly perfect, if they are 4 or older. The fact is that therapy/counseling is a service that anyone can benefit from. However, a benefit is often only obtained if the participant(s) are completely open and honest; something many of us find difficult if not impossible. Therapy provides limited benefit to those with mental disorders, as the disorder gets in the way. As such, those without a disorder, i.e., normal people, have the potential to gain the most from counseling/therapy. In short, the old stigma of there being something wrong with you if you get counseling/therapy, was a misguided belief.

With that said, if you decide that you do want to put the work in to attempt to save your marriage, you both should be receiving counseling/therapy. Therapists have their own approach depending on what they are seeing, so they may want to see you separately at first, or individually, and then switch this up. So don't go in with expectations. Additionally, during the counseling/therapy, one of you may discover that they no longer desire to keep the marriage together. If you decide to dissolve the marriage, you, or one of you/both of you may later change their mind. and already being in counseling/therapy may assist you/her through this, even if the other is not receptive to this.

Lastly, if you or your wife are religious, W.D. Crawford offered some good advice, and you may want to check with your Church, Synagogue, Mosque... and they often offer counseling/therapy from well qualified people that respect your belief system.

What ever you choices, best wishes!

 

[Whaledriver]

Please do not take offense to these questions.

Are you good with another dude helping raise your kids?
Are you good spending half a holiday with your kids?
Are you good with having half your time or more with your kids taken away?
Are you okay with lawyer fees, yours and possibly hers?

My parents divorced 30 years ago and although I turned out okay the impact on my brother and I was absolutely brutal.

 

[wyosteve]

As others have said, stay away from the polygraph. It is merely a machine that measures physiological responses to questions which are then interpreted by a 'supposed' trained professional. Too many variables to give any kind of accurate conclusion. There's a reason they are not allowed as evidence in court!!

 

[missjordan]

I was a child of divorce as my parents split when we were fairly young. I went through a lot of counseling to help cope with it and I will say it's worth it. The hardest thing is watching both your parents turn and resent each other in a really bad way which makes the child feel like you need to pick sides. Counseling helped get my brother and I through that and in the end it was better for my parents to divorce and move on with their lives and meet other people than to live in their toxic relationship. Couselers have a unique and truthful way of helping you and your wife decide if it's worth fighting for. It will be very emotional to go through it but what else do you have to lose? In the end the people it will take the largest toll on is not you and your spouse but your kids

 

[Wasatchbuck]

Thanks all for the words of advice.

 

[Felix40]

Just give her your find my iPhone password so she can track where your phone goes anytime she wants.

 

[Piscatory_4]

Take the test, pass it, then dump her anyway for not trusting you. Otherwise it'll just be hanging in the background the whole time your together.

Is this really the place to air all this out?

 

[wncbrewer]

I'm a child of divorce, and I think some people are better off not married to each other. My parents both remarried and are much happier now. It took me until I was well into my 20's to realize that, however. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, but both you and her have to be willing to work for it, and if either one of you aren't you may as well cut your losses and try to be happy. I will also add that my dad was broke for a long long time because of child support. All in saying is that both of you have to be willing to figure things out. Divorce is devestating, but life goes on. One mans opinion. It's free and worth every penny.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[MULEPACKHUNTER]

If there are no kids involved I would get out of there, I wasted alot of time with woman who would never stand by my side until I found one that would. My wife laughed at my ex when she told her I was sleeping with her still. She was pissed I told her no about something so she went after me with that crap, my wife just laughed at her and asked her if I was good. Lol she never even asked me if it was true. That's what you stay for, not one who will question what you say.

 

[JRHawaii]

50% of marriages fail in the US and trend is climbing. Don't be part of that statistic. Fight for it and make it work till death do us part. You remember saying that at the alter in front of your family, friends, and God? Reread your wedding vows to each other that you made on your wedding day. You remember all the crazy things you did to impress her to win her heart when you were dating? Have date nights. Look at old pictures of both of you back then. Fall in love again.

My brother get this movie from Netflix or Walmart called Fireproof and it will answer some of your questions you are asking and how to be a better husband. Here is a movie trailer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK5-5qf9IQs

 

[tipsntails7]

Relationships are built on trust. Wether you take the poly or not and regardless of the result she's still not going trust you based solely of how long she has held on. Clearly she has some insecurities that she is projecting onto you.

Wassatch, I don't know how religious your are and I'd never tell you to shove your faith aside but life is to short to be in a one sided relationship that makes you unhappy. You only get one ride in life so you should enjoy it not suffer through it trying to make something that's broken work.

Either way I wish you luck in whatever endeavor you choose to pursue.

 

[Where's Bruce?]

Three years ago I was accused of sexual harassment at my job. I was a manager at the time and It was by a spiteful employee who was on the verge of being terminated from her repeated poor performance. I can only speculate but I am sure she managed to corroborate with other employees to solidify her story. I was placed on suspension and ultimately terminated. I spoke with with an attorney and while he told me I could fight it, it would be an uphill and costly legal battle as it boiled down to my word vs hers. I just wanted to move on and find employment.

My wife did not know what to think of the whole thing and was convinced I was guilty of it, to be honest the whole thing was a damn train wreck. She kept telling me that they wouldn't just terminate me if they didnt have proof and I told her they didnt need proof, in the end its her word vs mine. In an effort to appease her and convince her of my innocence I offered to pay for a polygraph test. As that was the only way I knew she would believe me. When the time approached to take the test she told me to cancel it and that if I was willing to do it then she believed me.

Fast forward to the past few weeks. I get up every morning to go to the gym at 4:45 before work. Somehow my wife is under the impression my efforts to get back in shape are actually me cheating on her. Please note she has never really gotten over this and harbors some insecurity because of it, it rears its ugly head from time to time.

we got into a fight this morning about whether or not I am actually going to the gym and she told me that if I wanted this over with once and for all I needed to take the polygraph. She gave me an ultimatum, take the test or we are over. Part of me wants to take the test just to finally prove her to her my innocence and part of me says enough is enough. If after 8 years of being faithful is simply not proof enough then I just want to be done. I figure we went down this road already and even if I take the test part of me believes this wont be the end of it. I can see something along the lines of her saying "well those tests are not always accurate and people can study to beat them." Lets just say that things have not been super awesome the last few years. I love her very much and we have children together but try as I may I am having a very difficult time seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking for some objective advice for anyone who has been remotely close to where I am or any advice for that matter. Just not sure what direction to head with this one. Please keep in mind this was not easy for me to post on a public forum but as I said I am truly looking for advice before I make any decision.

I would take the test, pass it then tell her we are over.

 

[Jaker_cc]

No advice here, but if you have to justify everything you do to your wife, there is a lack of trust. I don't think the poly test will make her trust you even when you pass it.

I hope things work out for the best for you.

 

[PF_JM]

I would not take the test. As pointed out before, it is bio metric and could provide a false positive, might not even work to if you pass given the fact that it is bio metric and she will probably fall back on the ability to beat a polygraph. What is for sure is that if you fail the poly, it will come back to haunt you in the event of divorce.

You may find out that the accusations and demands have less to do with her trust of you than they are an exit strategy or guilt. Mostly disregard them if you want to save the marriage.

I would do everything in my power to save the marriage though and rekindle any kind of spark that was once there. Take her with you to the gym, make sure she knows that she is the most import part of your life. Going through the motions and putting on an act is not enough. You also gotta be romantic, emotionally and physically. And pray, pray for your wife, pray for yourself, pray for your family. Even if you are not a religious man, time in deep thought can be very helpful. Best of luck

 

[Shrek]

I would take the test, pass it then tell her we are over.

This ^^^^ it's her not you. She obviously has low self esteem and poor body image. If she does take steps to address the self image and esteem the first thing she's going to do is cheat on you and look for a better deal. Take the counseling money and go see every good lawyer in town for a consult and then take the best lawyers advice. If she starts working out and then wants fake breasts then you're done.

 

[PARA1]

There is some good advice above no doubt but a good relationship is effortless
I believe, we all have a best friend we have had for years.. You don't judge him or her you know their quirks and you live with it and move on most of the time with no discussion at all, if marriage cant be maintained on the same basis sex aside
Then what is there to look forward to.
I wouldn't take the test because as a man you are only as good as your word if she can't take that at face value then honestly
You are in for a long uphill struggle with no guarantees it will bear fruit. I wish you the best but the real question you need to ask is what's better for the kids I beg you to put them first and an unhappy marriage
Hurts children far more than the adults in the end.

 

[Where's Bruce?]

I trust my wife, she trusts me...there's no question, never will be. Those who cannot trust are often not trustworthy themselves so they can't trust others...their moral compass is pointing south. Life's too short to waste and true love is rare, precious and enduring. Anything less isn't worth the time or the grief. JMO...I could be wrong.

 

[Broomd]

Tremendous posts here...true love is worth fighting for, for sure. One thing that hasn't been asked...what was the source of problems before the harassment? I'm asking rhetorically. There was obviously some angst there before that issue and it obviously started the foundation for some real problems. It sounds like her self worth is really low as well. That is something you need to help her with.
Marriage is hard. It helps to both enjoy the same things, do you take the time to do the things your wife really enjoys? I'd sit her down and tell her that her trust means more than anything, but a test won't fix the problem. One other thing...my wife and I share a devotional. Every night before bed. A simple thought for the day and a scripture and then we discuss it. It helps to close the day and things that might be on our minds.

 

[Kevin Dill]

1. You can't control her.
2. Polygraphs don't decide love.
3. Anger is Fear all dressed-up.
4. Nothing wrong with enduring as long as you're improving.
5. A good marriage beats a so-so marriage beats no marriage beats a bad marriage.
6. A perfect marriage is a fantasy, though any marriage can have perfect moments.
7. Breaking trust tends to be like breaking glass.
8. Sometimes you have to be strong enough to be weak.
9. Love isn't always rational, so don't rationalize all decisions.
10. When all else fails, lay it on the line.

 

[Poser]

Those who cannot trust are often not trustworthy themselves so they can't trust others...their moral compass is pointing south. JMO...I could be wrong.

I'm not sure that is a fair deduction to apply across the board. Certainly, the "criminal mind" assumes everyone else is a criminal, too, but people's experience with betrayal at a young age often determines the level of trust they are willing to give out. For example, kids that have been victims of sexual molestation, mental and/or physical abuse often adapt by having misgivings about who they trust and to what extent.
The more frequently and the more severe experiences a person has had with betrayal, you'll often find a proportional level of mistrust. That does not mean they are not trustworthy themselves, only that life has taught them to protect themselves. I'm not defending the actions described by the OP, but there very well could be a rational explanation for these actions that has not been addressed.