The big D

[rhendrix]

Can a moderator please delete this, I posted all of this to you guys because I was hurting. And I think anyone would be given the circumstances. But I shouldn't be laying out my personal life to complete strangers. It felt good to get it off my chest, but I didn't think about how it'd affect my wife at all,m to be honest. You guys are great, but none of you love me and you're not in my inner circle. Pretty immature on my part to run my mouth on here. Lesson learned. Thanks!

 

[ffparamedic]

I disagree brother. We do love you. Just not in the sense that you mean.

As far as hurting your wife did she tell you that? And if she did then why isn't she concerned with hurting you and the kids with having another guy?

It seems to me that she may be more concerned with you getting solid advice from people that have been there and done that, it's not my fight brother. But don't bottle it all up and hold it inside. Reach out to someone for help and advice.

Praying for you, I have also been dealing with a marital struggle and have not posted in this thread for that reason until now. Keep your head up and stay encouraged.


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[rhendrix]

Nah this is all me man, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, it's part of what makes me a good Dad and husband. In times of crisis though I tend to talk to anyone that will listen instead of trying to give my wife some time to process her feelings. I did it two years ago and I did it on Tuesday and Wednesday. She asked for space and time to think about everything after all of this came to light and I pushed the issue and pushed her and forced her to give me an answer, and when I didn't like the answer I came on here and ran my mouth looking for someone to justify my feelings. My wife doesn't want a divorce. She wouldn't be going to the counselor tomorrow if she did. She wouldn't have gone with me to the counselor on Thursday if she did, she wouldn't be talking to me and sharing with me things that we've never really dived into about our marriage if she did. I pushed the issue because I was acting immature and wanted an answer and she answered out of frustration, stupid move on both our parts. But had I just remained calm and gave her some space and time to think I probably would know everything I know now and could've avoided a lot of bullshit in the process. Lesson learned, I always do that when I have feelings that are hard to express, I press and press and talk and talk, fumbling for the right words and not really knowing what to say so I end up saying the wrong thing, she asks for space and I don't give it and things just spiral down from there. If all this is doing nothing else, it's definitely refining me into the kinda man I've always wanted to be. Loving, patient, kind, and hard working.

 

[KoolBreeze]

I hope it works out for you, especially for the kid's sake. They'll suffer more than anyone else, trust me. But if it doesn't, then get your own lawyer and get every single detail in writing or you'll wish you did.

 

[dotman]

Nah this is all me man, I tend to wear my heart in my sleeve and talk to anyone that will listen instead of trying to give my wife some time to process her feelings, she asked for suave and time to think about everything after all of this came to light and I pushed the issue and pushed her and forces her to give me an answer, and when I didn't like the answer I came on here and ran my mouth looking for someone to justify my feelings. My wife doesn't want a divorce. She wouldn't be going to the counselor tomorrow if she did. She wouldn't have gone with me to the counselor on Thursday if she did, she wouldn't be talking to me and sharing with me things that we've never really dived into about our marriage if she did. I pushed the issue because I was acting immature and wanted an answer and she answered out of frustration, stupid move on both our parts. But had I just remained calm and gave her some space and time to think I probably would know everything I know now and could r avoided a lot of bullshit in the process. Lesson learned, I always do that when I have feelings that are hard to express, I press and press and talk and talk and she asks for space and I don't give it and things just spiral down from there. If all this is doing nothing else, it's definitely refining me into the kinda man I've always wanted to be. Loving, patient, kind, and hard working.

I haven't posted about this but by no means did you make an immature move, if anything you did a good thing for yourself! We may not know you as well as your inner circle but we are here to listen and help. This may sound harsh but your wife is the one that decided to leave you, if this helps you get through that it is selfish of her to say it hurts her.

Lots of great advice here for you and I know you'll get through this painful period, I pray that you two can work this out in a peaceful way and stay friends if divorce is what the outcome ends up. You'll come out of this a better man just stay away from drugs and booze.

My brother in law just had a buddy go through this, he went the way of drugs and booze and was found murdered last week stuffed in the back of his SUV, he got into the wrong crowd and eased his pain in drugs and booze. Stay strong and make good choices, if this website helps you through the process it is a good choice.

 

[rhendrix]

Don't worry man, I barely drink and drugs are out of the equation!

 

[ffparamedic]

Gotcha, I have some of the same tendencies as far as being impatient and wanting an answer to the situation right then.

Remind yourself this didn't happen overnight and won't fix itself overnight. I agree with you that if she really wanted it she wouldn't still be there working on it.

You may have some anxiety issues that you need to see a doctor about.

Don't take this the wrong way but if you are the one pushing this thing for a resolution and are anxious about it then don't be the one who messes it up with your impatient pushing. Get some help for your issues. Also your wife may say a lot of hurtful things out of anger/frustration.

Good luck brother.

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[rhendrix]

Gotcha, I have some of the same tendencies as far as being impatient and wanting an answer to the situation right then.

Remind yourself this didn't happen overnight and won't fix itself overnight. I agree with you that if she really wanted it she wouldn't still be there working on it.

You may have some anxiety issues that you need to see a doctor about.

Don't take this the wrong way but if you are the one pushing this thing for a resolution and are anxious about it then don't be the one who messes it up with your impatient pushing. Get some help for your issues. Also your wife may say a lot of hurtful things out of anger/frustration.

Good luck brother.

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Thanks man, I think part of my problem with wanting an answer right away to things is me being a type a personality and some of it is deep rooted stuff from childhood.

And I'm fighting the anxiety, already on medication. I think like you said before, it's just going to take time. And counseling between the both of us and by ourselves.

I plan on being patient and kind and loving, but I'm not going to smoother her. I know for a fact that that is not attractive to her.

Thanks for the advice, buddy.

 

[ezmorningrebel]

glad to hear your wife and you are going through counseling. my wife went through something similar a few years ago and we went to a counselor for a few months and it probably saved our marriage. it was kind of like hitting the reset button. we both really needed to listen and learn what it was the other needed in the relationship. i wish you two the best.

 

[HookUp]

does counseling work? It seems like the final straw before the implosion for the divorced couples I know.

 

[Mark]

does counseling work? It seems like the final straw before the implosion for the divorced couples I know.

I suppose it depends on the strength of the relationship. After 30+ years together, I'm going to say without a doubt, counselling does have its benefits for some couples.

 

[Jimbob]

does counseling work? It seems like the final straw before the implosion for the divorced couples I know.

Look at the post above yours. Yes it works. However it can only work when both parties are committed to the process.

 

[Luked]

Hopefully it does work out for you.
me and my X had a spout about 3 years before we divorced. i had caught her talking to another guy through a text message. i confronted her about it and she spilled it....so i thought. she told me they had been talking for about 3 months had never met in person and so on.
well three years later when things really came to head and things started happening she told me that she had lied then about it all. she had been talking to this guy for 6 months not 3 they had met on neumorous occations and at that point when she admitted it she also admitted she had been talking to a different guy then.
just do yourself and your kids a favor and keep your head on a swivel. and keep your eyes open. i wish i had at the time

 

[rhendrix]

Hopefully it does work out for you.
me and my X had a spout about 3 years before we divorced. i had caught her talking to another guy through a text message. i confronted her about it and she spilled it....so i thought. she told me they had been talking for about 3 months had never met in person and so on.
well three years later when things really came to head and things started happening she told me that she had lied then about it all. she had been talking to this guy for 6 months not 3 they had met on neumorous occations and at that point when she admitted it she also admitted she had been talking to a different guy then.
just do yourself and your kids a favor and keep your head on a swivel. and keep your eyes open. i wish i had at the time

Man that's terrible. And my trust is broken right now, but after all the shit we've been through together I have no reason not to believe what she's saying. I just know the person she is inside and out, and I can tell when she's telling the truth.

I'm sorry that happened to you man, this may not work out, I don't know. But, I know I'll be fine either way. I don't need her, I want her. And if it doesn't go the way I want I'll be heartbroken, but I've it three little kids that love me dearly, and I know I'd be able to find someone that would love me again. It's just life, gotta roll with it.

 

[Luked]

Man that's terrible. And my trust is broken right now, but after all the shit we've been through together I have no reason not to believe what she's saying. I just know the person she is inside and out, and I can tell when she's telling the truth.

I'm sorry that happened to you man, this may not work out, I don't know. But, I know I'll be fine either way. I don't need her, I want her. And if it doesn't go the way I want I'll be heartbroken, but I've it three little kids that love me dearly, and I know I'd be able to find someone that would love me again. It's just life, gotta roll with it.

i gave mine a second try. then a third try last try was the end. i have 2 little ones as well. when my X and i Divorced my daughter was just turning 2 and my son was just about to turn 6 so it has been really hard on him the most. daughter dont remember much about me being with their mom but my son does. they will always love their parent no matter what it just makes things harder on them if a divorce does happen.

just keep your head on a swivel and keep your eyes open for your sake and your kids. i hope it does work out for you man i really do. but i will say as far as myself i am way more happy now have a great gal now and it is much better but it hasnt been easy by any means.
hopefully yours will have a better ending than mine did

 

[wasatchcomm]

tough spot for anyone, wish you and your family the best.

 

[ezmorningrebel]

does counseling work? It seems like the final straw before the implosion for the divorced couples I know.

in the same way that counseling can help, it can also show both parties that it truly is over. the process will force you to just decide whether you want to continue to work at the relationship or it's too far gone. probably why you see people go into counseling and divorce shortly afterward. it forces the issue.