Glad I could provide some amusement. Which was partially my intent.
In all seriousness Dude, it may be time to buy a nice road bike. No booby bouncing, no crushing your knees and hips. Nothing but high quality cardio. As for the neighborhood MILFs, nothing sexier than a piped road racer. At least that's what the MILFs in my neighborhood tell me. LOL!!!!
They make little square containers of Bag Balm that works very well for chaffing areas! Works good for you lips also. We used it for years on our milk cows on their teats and it really helps the old gals out. Works wonders for women breast feeding also.
Bodyglide. Running shop should have it. Or, I'm sure you could order it online.
I have NO idea what you are talking about...
Now I have two quarter sized calluses where my nipples used to be....