Dads of Rokslide

[DAOutfitters208]

Some people think just because they are Dad, they deserve unconditional respect from their kids. You earn respect from everyone in your life, earn it from your kids as well.

 

[ddavis_1313]

Some people think just because they are Dad, they deserve unconditional respect from their kids. You earn respect from everyone in your life, earn it from your kids as well.

Facts. My dad demanded respect as he would semi-praise you out of one side of his mouth and tear you down to nothing out of the other. And he was super critical. If you went 3 for 4 he would want to know about why you didn’t reach base the one time. If you made a b on report card you feared going home… But, that’s how he was raised.

I say that to say this. Yes, I love my dad and respect him. He has a huge heart. But he could have done a lot better when we were kids. He knows that now and regrets it. It took us time to get where we are now. Don’t put yourself in that situation. It’s hard to mend things down the road and you get zero do overs in life. It’s ok if your kids fail. We all do. Just don’t criticize them for it. And ALWAYS praise them when they succeed!




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[Jake Larsen]

Facts. My dad demanded respect as he would semi-praise you out of one side of his mouth and tear you down to nothing out of the other. And he was super critical. If you went 3 for 4 he would want to know about why you didn’t reach base the one time. If you made a b on report card you feared going home… But, that’s how he was raised.

I say that to say this. Yes, I love my dad and respect him. He has a huge heart. But he could have done a lot better when we were kids. He knows that now and regrets it. It took us time to get where we are now. Don’t put yourself in that situation. It’s hard to mend things down the road and you get zero do overs in life. It’s ok if your kids fail. We all do. Just don’t criticize them for it. And ALWAYS praise them when they succeed!




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I was just having a discussion yesterday with a buddy about this. I think most driven people (myself included) have very critical/negative self talk. “Growth mindset” or whatever you want to call it, has a major pitfall in this area. In order in improve and excel at anything, you have to see and focus on the areas that need improvement, not the things you’re already getting right. It’s a fine line between being honest about mistakes so you can improve, and being overly self critical. Nobody is harder on me than myself, and it’s easy to put 100% focus on failures rather than success.

I’ve noticed It’s really easy for that mindset to show up in the way I talk to my wife, without even intending to be critical. It’s just a reflection of my own self talk. My wife has been great at calling me out on this. It’s not that I don’t notice things done well, it just takes effort to focus on it, and verbally affirm. It’s going to take major effort on my part to get that right as my kids get older. My job is to encourage them to do their best. Encouragement is positive, not negative.


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[RockAndSage]

I was just having a discussion yesterday with a buddy about this. I think most driven people (myself included) have very critical/negative self talk. “Growth mindset” or whatever you want to call it, has a major pitfall in this area. In order in improve and excel at anything, you have to see and focus on the areas that need improvement, not the things you’re already getting right. It’s a fine line between being honest about mistakes so you can improve, and being overly self critical. Nobody is harder on me than myself, and it’s easy to put 100% focus on failures rather than success.

I’ve noticed It’s really easy for that mindset to show up in the way I talk to my wife, without even intending to be critical. It’s just a reflection of my own self talk. My wife has been great at calling me out on this. It’s not that I don’t notice things done well, it just takes effort to focus on it, and verbally affirm. It’s going to take major effort on my part to get that right as my kids get older. My job is to encourage them to do their best. Encouragement is positive, not negative.


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Same. It took a long time to realize that the self-reflection, willingness to experience pain in the honesty of recognizing where I'm not meeting my standards or goals, and constant improvement iterations that I find satisfying internally...that not many people do this. Or have this mindset. I don't beat myself up internally when doing it, and it's not really experienced as negative, it's just improvement to me. Sure, I know the accomplishments are there and appreciate them, but that's obvious - the satisfaction is uncovering what I need to do next, and going after it.

I genuinely didn't realize other people generally don't think that way, probably until I got into my thirties. So it was pretty alien and bewildering over time when asking similar well-meaning questions of others or offering help that it can generally just come off as criticizing - the same "insights" or help that someone else might offer me that I'd appreciate, just isn't appreciated by others. Guys seem to be a bit better with this, especially high-performance guys with military or more traditionally masculine professions, but in general it's just not worth it. But with women it can flat out be damaging, no matter how well-meaning or lovingly shared.

With my adult relationships it got much easier to just turn that part off, and focus on inclusion and happy vibes. But I've had to be exceedingly careful and conscious of not doing any of it with my daughter, given how much I want her to succeed at the things she's trying to accomplish.

 

[cjdewese]

I started writing this out the other day but thought it may be too much. After reading the other post about a 14 year old that committed suicide I think it's important.

All of the advice I have read here is awesome but if I personally were to give you 1 piece of advice it's to create a self loving and emotionally mature child in all phases of life, especially in todays world.

Realize that at 5 it is going to look a lot different than at 10, 15, 20 or as an adult so it's something you constantly need to build and check in on. All of this can be done in all things you do in life with love and while having fun.

Think about all the things that you have found tough in you and your wifes own life and think about how you can teach your kid over the next 18 years the healthiest way to get through those.

Make sure that you talk to them about building a strong sense of self and why that's important.

Have them understand that your life is NEVER defined by people that don't love you or by 1 decision you make.

Teach them that working on themselves throughout life is the single most important thing you can do. A strong independent person doesn't NEED anyone to make them happy but understands that if you are in a good place you can give more of yourself to others.

Talk about these kinds of things with your spouse as early as possible and come up with a plan so you can get started early.

In the 1st 5 years don't Limit what you try to show or teach your kids because you think they may be too young. I was constantly impressed with my kids' ability to do things when they were challenged at an early age and it served them very as they got older.

The last thing I will say is think of the kind of kid you want to release to this new world and work your way backward. I always tell people that raising a kid is one giant social experiment where you get to see how the inputs you put in turn out in real time.

Do this all with love, patience and an undying love for your kids mom and watch your life flourish.

Enjoy the ride, it is the best one you will ever take.