Best kid one liners

[Zking]

I’m sure everyone in this threads kids are the same, but my 2 year old turns everything into a gun. The wife took him to the Zoo and says instead of looking at all the animals like other kids, he shoots them “pew” with his water bottle

My two year old was pretending to shoot his sister last night and all I hear from their room is her yelling, “no, we don’t do that to people only animals!” He had stuck two bath toys together to make a gun

 

[EastHumboldt]

When my son was about five he evinced some curiosity about the origin of babies. So we’re explaining without trying to get too deep into the exact specifics, and I said “You know how we put seeds in the ground to grow stuff? The daddy has some seeds inside of him, and sometimes when they’re in bed, he puts some in the mommy and she grows a baby. “. He gets silent and thoughtful and you can see the wheels spinning. Then he comes up with “ But how do the seeds get in the mommy? Do they crawl across the sheets?”

 

[dr.mooseknuckles]

A

When my son was about five he evinced some curiosity about the origin of babies. So we’re explaining without trying to get too deep into the exact specifics, and I said “You know how we put seeds in the ground to grow stuff? The daddy has some seeds inside of him, and sometimes when they’re in bed, he puts some in the mommy and she grows a baby. “. He gets silent and thoughtful and you can see the wheels spinning. Then he comes up with “ But how do the seeds get in the mommy? Do they crawl across the sheets?”

Yes son, then mom has to sleep on the wet spot

 

[grfox92]

My oldest son and daughter playing hospital when they were kids.

Son working on a stuffed animal.

"Nurse we need to help this man, hes suffering from blood lost."

Daughter.

"Whats blood lost?"

Son.

"It means.....his blood.....is somewhere else...it isn't here....its lost."

Sent from my SM-S931U using Tapatalk

 

[MarlinMark]

He's not wrong.

 

[AHayes111]

"My dad says the best way to hunt pheasants is to drive around the meadows and shoot their heads off with a 22"
Said by a 11 year old at hunter safety class with both dad and the game warden present.

 

[KsRancher]

"My dad says the best way to hunt pheasants is to drive around the meadows and shoot their heads off with a 22"
Said by a 11 year old at hunter safety class with both dad and the game warden present.

Oof.

 

[AHayes111]

Oof.

My dad taught hunter safety for 25 years during the 60 to the 80's. He heard some good ones.

 

[Q_Sertorius]

A couple of months ago, my daughter asked me if we could take Lucy (the puppy) out to lunch with us at the local winery. I said something to the effect of that being a bad idea given Lucy’s age. My daughter looks at the puppy playing on the floor and says, matter of factly, “Yeah, Lucy’s not ready for the world… and the world’s not ready for Lucy.”

 

[43.6N]

My 10 yrs old daughter, when I asked her if she wanted to go on a hike on a mildly windy day: “No, I don’t want to go suffer with you!”

Same girl after cold bore hitting a 10” plate at 500yds with her 223: “Hmm, Guess I’m a natural”

SMH. I don’t think I’m ready for this girl’s teenage years.

 

[haywoodhunter]

My little boy just turned 4. Last night he wanted to play with a real baseball in the yard. He got hit square in the nose. I told him he may have a black eye for a few days then told him that’s ok cause you’re still handsome right?

While fighting back tears he said “yeah cause look I’ve still got my new shorts and shirt on”

 

[DB29]

My daughter when she was 3:

Her: Is chit a bad word?

Me: Yes, that is a bad word.

Her: Yeah, chit is a bad word. Don’t you dare ever say chit!

 

[Sandhills]

Wife told me she was watching Facebook reels right after waking up one morning while building the ambition to get out of bed. One was some creepy one about a monster of some sort. I'm already at work so she's got wrangle the three year old and 1.5 year old boys by herself. As they go out the door, the three old said "Mommy, the monster is watching us." He had no idea she watched that reel, so she was a little creeped out by that.

I'll tell one on my self.

My grandpa had hounds when I was growing up. When they'd do something wrong he's call em sonsabitches. He lived in a residential area so he tried to keep em quiet to not bother the neighbors. Grandma had some church friends over and the dogs were barking. Me being all of five at the oldest walked out in the deck and yelled as loud as I could "SHUT UP YOU SONSABITCHES!!!!" If looks could kill the one grandma shot grandpa would have likely killed him and me both.

 

[GreenNDark Timber]

My wife and daughter were out of town this weekend for a volleyball tournament, so it was a guy's weekend with just me and my 3 sons. I grilled some burgers for dinner Saturday evening and grabbed a beer as we sat down to eat. After a couple drinks I let out a loud burp. Quickly realizing my bad influence and knowing mom has been trying to break a couple boys from doing the same thing, I quickly said "excuse me, that was rude". My 10 yr old looked at me and said "Dad, we're all men here"

 

[Luke S]

I had a 9 year old buddy whose mom worked with us. He moved to a new school.

Me - What are the kids at your new school like?

9 yr old - Kids at my school are pretty smart at school... and I'm more smart in reality.

He probably wasn't wrong.

 

[Toneloc]

One I’ll never forget. Back in 2019, my now 15 year old shoots this big ole male squirrel. He picks him up by the tail and says….holy cow this thing has nuts bigger than mine. …