Best kid one liners

[rclouse79]

I thought this was too funny to keep to myself. I was walking with my six year old daughter in the Target parking lot this morning and she was doing the splits and hurdling over the big red concrete balls like she normally does. I said "You are going to slow." She replies with "Ya well I am scared, I don't want to get hit in the nuts."

 

[Binz17]

My son was probably 8, I took him the driving range for the first time. I'm giving him a quick lesson on how to hit a golf ball and he stops me and says "are we here to talk or hit golf balls?" OK. Let's hit some balls. Lol.

 

[bsnedeker]

When my daughter was also six I was talking to her about how it's important not to be a quitter. Her response "I'm not a quitter, I'm just not a finisher!"

Another time she said something about not liking something that she clearly loved.... like cheese or something. I said "... please, you eat cheese like it's going out of style"... her response "well if it was going out of style I wouldn't eat it at all"...."no... that's not what.... well, yeah, I guess you have a good point. That saying doesn't make a lot of sense".



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[GWHunter]

My daughter wanted a cat when she was like 2 or 3. Me and my wife explained that we cannot get a cat because mommy was really allergic to cats. So my daughter just looks and me and asks "when mommy dies soon can me and you get a cat?" My wife started sleeping with one eye open for awhile.

 

[VizslaHunt]

My kids and I forage mushrooms. When my son was five his Grandpa was telling him you can’t eat certain ones because they’re poisonous. He responded, “Well you can… once”.

 

[Yoder]

My son was about three yrs old and was really into the Lion King at the time. He lied to us about something, so we asked him if he was lying. He said no several times. Then we told him we knew he was lying. Finally with his tiny fists clenched he yells "I AM NOT A LION!"

 

[Djruff]

I took my son (around age 4) golfing with me. While I was on the first tee box I placed the ball on the tee and was taking some practice swings. While I was doing this he was unusually quiet, then he said to me “dad why don’t you step a little closer”. Its one of those father/son moments I’ll remember forever.

 

[Pramo]

My son was about 5, I was sitting in his room before bed talking. He got real quiet/serious and said Dad I need to tell you something…

He says “I’ve been thinking a lot and I like fishing more than hunting”

 

[huntsman22]

Wife and I were getting ready to go out. I explained to the kids that the neighbor girl Kathy was coming over to babysit. Will said, "Well I might have to poop, and she's not going to want to wipe my heiney" .......

 

[grfox92]

My wife was driving through town with my kids. My son was 6 at the time. A lot of people driving around with their Auissi Shepards and Healers in the back of their trucks.

My son sees this as they were driving and says....

"Mom! There's a F***ing dog on the back of that truck and he's going to jump off!"

My wife turns in horror and say "Mason! What did you just say!?!?"

He very slowly responded articulating every word,

"Mom! There's a F***ing dog on the back of that truck and he's going to jump off."


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[butcherboy]

When my middle daughter was 4 I was sitting at our wrap around countertop in the kitchen when I noticed a handprint traced with a marker on the underside of the countertop on the half wall. I said “who did this? Who traced their handprint on the wall?” My daughter said that it was her. When I asked why she did that she quietly said “ So I have someone to play patty cake with until you get home Daddy.” Speechless…

 

[bpurtz]

I don't recall how or why we came up with this name for his genitals, but my youngest son, I think around 4 y/o, woke up one morning and proclaimed:

"My tookie feels very long and very strong!"

 

[Turkeygetpwnd38]

My 4 year old son told me earlier this week butts don’t have teeth, just really strong jaws.

 

[WeiserBucks]

When my son was 15 he and I were hunting cow elk, we had snuck up on a small herd at about 200 yards. He took steady aim and proceeded to miss 4 times and his mag was empty. He turned and said "F@$k!!! I'm out of F@$kin bullets!!!! I'd never seen him miss or heard him cuss before that day. He reloaded and took a good cow before it was over.

 

[jwall3d11]

My 10 year old son likes basketball. He was going on and on about how he thinks Lebron James is the best all time and then he decided to ask me what I thought. I told him when I was his age Michael Jordan was really good and a lot of people still think he’s the best all time. My sons response was,”oh that’s right, you like the players from the 1900’s”.

 

[Davidson51]

When I was teaching my oldest son to pee standing up around 3yo, he was at a Pink Berry with my wife. He proceeded to drop his pants and pee on a big rock just outside the store. My wife ran outside to get him and asked why he did that, and he said "when in doubt, whip it out." Proud dad moment there.

 

[ODB]

My daughter used to to go a Christian school when she was very young.

One day (she was maybe 5-6) we were driving and I asked her what she learned in school that day.

She said “that if I have faith of a mustard seed I can move mountains.”

I said “oh, ok. And what do you think of that?”

She said , “well, I have faith that I can move that tree, so why isn’t it moving?”

 

[bpietila]

My brother and I took my boys and 5 year old nephew (sisters kid) on an overnight float camping trip. It was a bit of an adventure. Tipped kayaks, torrential rain, clouds of mosquitoes, and a lost croc. Nephew didn’t bat an eye at anything until he lost his croc. When we got close to the take out my brother asked my nephew “will you be glad to see the bridge, or do you want to keep going?” My nephew thought for a minute and replied, “I’ll be glad…”paused a beat and finished, “I’ll be glad I didn’t DIE!” Lol I was laughing the rest of the way to the take out.

 

[Jskaanland]

As my kid's, 18 year old female, babysitter was reading a wonder woman book my son asked why wonder woman has breasts. She told him all women have them for feeding babies. He looks at her and asked, "Why don't you have any?"

In the moment she held it together but died laughing when she told us the story.

 

[Mike Islander]

My wife had to take her best friend's 5 year old son to the doctor. The nurse went to take his temperature in his back side and he looked back at her and shouted "Jesus is watching you!"