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[chasewild]

Wife is 2.5 months pregnant. Somehow got on the discussion of hunting post birth... she has some friends whose husbands are pretty much assholes and prioritize things like golf or sports over their family. Gone every weekend, don’t help out with the baby, just expect their wife to just deal with the fact they want to get drunk with their buddies all the time. She was saying that she was glad I wasn’t that way.

I agreed, then somehow hunting came up and I mentioned, “I’d still like to do my yearly western trip, but obviously the family comes first, and that’s only if we can arrange child care with my parents, etc.” I certainly wouldn’t be golfing or in the bars like her friends husbands are every weekend post baby. I also told her I’d hope that she would get a break too when she needed it to go on a girls trip or whatever.

Well needless to say that blew up a bit, stated there would be no way we could afford it, I’m already gone too much with my career, and that by continuing to go on hunting trips out west after we have a family I was being selfish. That if we want time off from parenthood we should spent it together, etc.

A little backstory, I’m a career firefighter (24 on/48 off) while she works 8-5 M-F in corporate retail. I’m also in the National Guard as a pilot part time and that’s a significant time commitment as well. I’ll deploy for a year starting next June. To top it off, we’re in the process of building a house.

Maybe I’m coming here to vent a bit... given the circumstances, I completely understand where my wife is coming from. She’s got a lot on her mind, and the thought of a baby on top of it is freaking her out a bit. The fact that I can at all think about hunting post baby probably put her over the top. I’m completely sympathetic to that.

That said my yearly western DIY hunting trip is my zen time. My yearly mental “reset.” I don’t golf, I don’t go to bars, I don’t go out with the boys much. I’ve got very busy career(s). If I don’t do anything else the rest of the year for “me” I want it to be my 5-7 days in the backcountry. I’m not sure my wife really gets that. It’s hard to articulate really. This is probably the only collective group of folks that really gets that.

Looking for a bit of marital advice from those who have BTDT. I’ve got a great wife, that said she’s very much a planner, and the uncertainty of the future has her rattled a bit. Obviously I’m not going to push this issue for now, but how do you articulate what hunting means to you to your spouses that don’t hunt? How do you balance family commitment with the need to get in the woods?

Yup, first year I totally get it. But baby is due in Feb, I’ll be gone from June of 2020 to June of 2021. Baby would be a year and a half until I might go hunting again.

The way the discussion went it was pretty much, “You aren’t going out west hunting again until the kid is at least 10!”

That left me feeling more than a little depressed.

Sounds like the conversation got heated. Nothing ever gets negotiated well at that point. And, quite frankly, the "black or white" posts from above are way too simple. It's never that easy and the easy way out never yields good results in the long run.

Revisit the conversation. Maybe she didn't understand how important hunting is to you and what it does for you (e.g your marriage). It doesn't sound like you're the guy that is blowing off your responsibilities or aren't considering the family. But I also know that maybe something in the career needs to give -- that's a choice you may have to make.

Either way, good luck.

 

[rodney482]

Father of 2.

Take a year off from trips.

 

[mooretitan]

Stand your ground but wait Until the Time is Right. No sense dealing with her right now. They can be a mess during and after a pregnancy so wait until the time is right.

Your hunting time will allow you to be a better husband and father. I have five kids and they have never stopped me from going on a hunting trip. Now I don’t think I have a normal wife and I try not to be a normal husband. As soon as my kids were up to it they started going with me. Do lots of family trips. Make sure I help around the house. Don’t golf or go to the bars. I make sure our money situation is good so we can afford things. I started making her take a girls trip with her sisters.
Anyways I try to make sure I have everything right with our relationship so she understands when I do my thing to not question it.

My parents never had that great of a marriage and my mom always was on top of my dad about hunting and I knew I would never be in that type of relationship. Lucky for me it has
never been a problem.

I love my kids but I strongly believe in making sure you don’t lose yourself along the way. I have seen to many relationships end because someone wakes up one day and doesn’t realize who they are

As long as finically I can afford to go I will always go.

 

[16Bore]

Your priorities are already out of line.

God, wife, children, family, job....then everything else.

Apoligize for being insensitive, hunting doesn’t mean shit.

 

[16Bore]

Word of advice...

When it comes to night feeding, get the last meal for the baby around 8:00 PM and let your baby and wife go to bed at that time. You stay up late...clean the kitchen, prep a meal, play video games, chat on Rokslide until as late as you can...then take the 1:00 AM or so feeding. Then you go to bed and let her get up at 5:00 AM and do it. She’ll be full anyway if she’s breast feeding. You sleep until 7 or 8.

We did this with both our kids and it worked like a charm. You will love that 1:00 quiet time with the kid. It’s pretty cool and you both will get the rest you need.

You never know, she might roll over after the 1:00 AM and put you to bed too

 

[16Bore]

And for giggles ....my late night hobby was “Medal of Honor” on PlayStation. By the time I finished the entire game my kid slept through the night. Never played it again. Ha!

 

[Mike Islander]

One week or 10 days of "me time" is not at all unreasonable. It's not an escape from family, and it is unfair of her to characterize it that way. The problem is, she probably sees it that way. You need to find a way to correct her thinking on this. You could start with a simple question; "Didn't I go on my annual hunt before we were pregnant, and for that matter, before we were married?" This is not an escape from family; this is an annual rebirth, a man's right of passage, a cleansing of my soul. Etc.

It is unfair for her to pretend this is something it is not (an escape from family), but however it happened, if she really sees it that way you will need to correct that perception or she'll resent it. Does she ever take trips with girlfriends or wish she could? If so, that is a foot in the door.

 

[16Bore]

If you think a pregnant woman can have a rational thought, you’re out of your mind. Take that mumbo jumbo and throw it out the window.

They have raging hormones before, during, and after pregnancy. Her body is going to totally change and she’ll cry over everything. Her thinking is as clear as mud. The OP is already in the weeds just mentioning hunting....and that should be the LAST thing on your priority list. In fact, it shouldn’t even be on the list. Your best bet is to pack your shit up for storage for awhile.

If you don’t commit to being at her beck and call and give 110% support, you’re FUBAR and will start to resent her and your kid.

There’s enough phuqqed up kids and marriages already....don’t be the next.

 

[elkyinzer]

One kid is easy, when the second shows up is when dad duties take a drastic turn. I think you're certifiable if you have a third before the oldest is independent.

Mine are 3 and 1. I went to ID when my daughter was 3 months old. She was an easy baby and really I didn't have to do shit at first. My tits are useless. We moved to have family close so it was not big deal for her to spend a week hanging out with her parents.

I haven't been West of the Mississippi since. Son was opposite, total PIA baby, and now it's 2 on 2 so I feel guilty not helping as much as I can. It kills me a little inside each September, but I know its temporary. I think next year is going to work and damn am I going to miss those kids. I have trouble doing one night away!

As for local hunting I just try to maximize my efficiency and get out there the best days. Last day of archery last year the washer broke down and thought my wife was going to come find me. It was 29 degrees, I had a hot doe around, there was no way I was getting down short of a real emergency. I turned my phone off, excuse me, I lost service, and shot a great buck at noon. I took a little heat but things were fine two days later. Not to sound disrespectful because we get along great but forgiveness often does come easier than permission.

 

[CX5Ranch]

I'm so glad my wife knew what she was getting

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[paulforward]

I'd offer a slightly different perspective. We had a baby in May, our first and probably only, and had a fun summer of backpacking and hiking together as a family including tent camping in the alpine as early as 2 months old. We live near Anchorage, AK and last weekend we bopped over as a family to Kodiak and did a multi-day backpacking deer hunt from the road. We hiked, tent camped up high and my wife put a breast in the baby's mouth while I was stalking deer ;-) I ended up killing a buck with my recurve. The nice weather really made it possible but it was a great family trip and everyone was really happy. I have a goat hunt planned later this month and a moose hunt after that as usual. Deer again in November. Wife might come with on the latter if we can figure out but that's seeming less likely. That said, i'll definitely be doing fewer less hunting overall this year and probably no travel for skiing or whitewater this year.

My wife has her passions as well and I support her while she supports me. my job is a bit more flexible than hers with bigger chunks of time off. We've figured out some daycare, family and nanny options (hopefully!). I know it's still hard when I'm away and I'll have to work hard to make it up to her but it's going well so far. I'll also be more likely to end my hunts earlier and come home early this year whereas in the past I'd try to wait til close to the last day to shoot an arrow to maximize my time in the hills.

We were both bummed to miss out on sheep hunting together this year but are already planning our trip for next year to make up for it. I've been surprised how well the little guy does in the wilderness, even overnight. No doubt that I miss being home more than I ever have before though! Being around him is so awesome. I know we're super lucky to live where we do and we worked super hard to figure out a schedule/lifestyle to allow for this. it took us until we were almost 40 to feel like we were ready to have a kid!

 

[Tradguy]

My wife had our first child in 2018 and boy did life change more than I ever hoped or imagined. Hunting didn't so much get completely written out of the equation of life but it definitely took a back seat. I still went out and was successful but trips were a lot closer to home and shorter. I wouldn't change that for the world, having that little girl put many things into perspective and family always comes first no matter what. It surprised me how little I missed going on those yearly big trips out west. You will adjust and your wife will as well, you can't figure out every thing the moment your child is born. Best of luck!

 

[Glory]

Depends on your wife. I work really hard for three months a year to keep my wife home with our 3 kids. 6 and under. My wife respects the work I do and never questions my hunting. Besides she likes wild game. But, I am very careful how much I do and never do extended long hunts. Quality over quantity no doubt. I also have become the master of doing hunts here on Prince of Wales spending very little money for the most fun. I have eaten a few tags too and did not hunt because of the timing.

 

[bowieknife50]

I'm going to update since this got fired up again. My hunting has really shifted now. I used to be crazy about deer hunting but this year went exactly twice. The first time I saw deer the whole time and thought well that was ok I wonder what's going on at home. Second time I saw nothing and thought well that's 4 hours without my kids I'll never get back. Now they're getting a little older and it's really easy to throw them and the dogs in the truck and go chase bears all day. I enjoy it more because I can do it with them, not because it gets me out of the house. The whole "me time" hoax has totally left me.


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[Mike from MO]

Hope everything is going well with the OP and wife...baby should be about close now, right?!

 

[Antarctica]

I'm going to update since this got fired up again. My hunting has really shifted now. I used to be crazy about deer hunting but this year went exactly twice. The first time I saw deer the whole time and thought well that was ok I wonder what's going on at home. Second time I saw nothing and thought well that's 4 hours without my kids I'll never get back. Now they're getting a little older and it's really easy to throw them and the dogs in the truck and go chase bears all day. I enjoy it more because I can do it with them, not because it gets me out of the house. The whole "me time" hoax has totally left me.


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Funny how that happens isn't it. People can tell you over and over that kids will change you, but one never believes it until they have them. In fact, I think kids are just about one of the only things that make people truly change.

Actually, it was having kids that eventually drove me back to hunting - wanting something that I could share with them as they grow older. I don't want to spend my weekends lugging kids around to ball games.

 

[Selway]

You guys keeping shooting loads,
meanwhile I'll keep killing toads.

 

[MattB]

I haven't read the whole thread, but my thought are that your priorities will likely change and you may feel differently about that trip out west once the little one comes. Regardless, I would mentally prepare to skip a year whether you do or not.

Make sure she gets her time away too. If you want a week off to hunt, get your wife a week off first. Organize your folks/in-laws to come help out while you are gone, take that off her plate.

One thing I did was bought a kid pack and i used to take my daughter with me on hikes once she was old enough to holder he head up (~6 mos.). It would only give my wife a couple hours off here and there, but it helped. Helped me stay in hunting shape too.

 

[Billinsd]

Funny how that happens isn't it. People can tell you over and over that kids will change you, but one never believes it until they have them. In fact, I think kids are just about one of the only things that make people truly change.

I've sure had my ups and downs and kicked and screamed. My daughter is 16, and my son 11. I've poured my life into my family and missed out on a lot of hunting. However, I've gotten so much more out of it all!! Marriage and a family is certainly not for everyone, however those that will never experience it are truly missing out.

 

[chasewild]

Update from the OP? Maybe the absence is telling !