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[Don Qui Puncher]

see how the delivery and everything goes my first kid I don't know if I could have pulled it off with parenting being so new to us. since then I got a new job I work 11-7 my wife gets home 7-8 every night so I pick both kids up at 430 play time at the park for an hour bring home snacks get dinner going when my wife gets home we split bath time and she puts them to bed as I leave for work. she has Friday-Saturday off so I get home Friday and spend all day with the family beach or boat days sneak a nap here or there and Saturday we do day trips, sunday I have the kids all day. my son was born last march and when I said I wanted to go out west for the first time for 2 weeks in septemeber last season my wife said I think you should go, in return she went to aruba for 9 days with her girlfriends last month. its all a balance man and youll figure it out. you get out of if what you put into it

 

[IN_Varmntr]

There's a metaphor out there somewhere that goes very loosely like this.

There's a pyramid of cups on a table. The topmost cup is you. Until your cup is overflowing, the cups below you (your immediately family) are not filled.

This may seem a bit self-centered, but just hang tight for a second. The substance that fills your cup changes as you do.

I've got 2 boys. One is 3 (July birthday) and the other is 10 1/2 months (Sept birthday). My wife and I have been together long enough that she knows what makes me tick. Hunting, fishing, shooting, just the outdoors in general, etc... Now my boys make me tick. I'm looking forward to doing the prior with my boys and that forethought is quickly becoming some of the substance that holds me over while delaying the here and now. Sometimes the need for the here and now can be somewhat satisfied by thinking of that future with my boys, but the need for the hunting here and now is still there and is satiated, though not to the extent it used to be.

It's a give and take, but your individual scenario will obviously vary. The largest variable in this equation is your wife, and only you know her and how to communicate your need to hunt.

Both of my boys' births made it difficult to hunt, but not impossible. My wife definitely made it possible to hunt those days I did, and the days I did not were spent with my family. It's a win, win. This year, when I got the invite to chase elk in Colorado, my wife wanted me to go. She told me to go.

 

[cnelk]

Gotta remember that you're the one that 'poked fun at her and she took it serious'

You'll get thru it.
The annual trips may take a hit for a year or two, but the juice is worth the squeeze.

Back in the day [ like 20+yrs] when I was in your shoes with a couple kids, I still did my outdoor thing and each year she did her 'Mommy Break' with friends.

Its a trade-off. Maybe not quite 50/50, but you'll figure it out

 

[Desk Jockey]

shift your priorities for a little while. Shorter trips. Closer to home. You'll be back to it soon enough and you are heading into a whole new world of fun. you'll be surprised how much you won't want to be away from your kid for a week or more.

 

[bowieknife50]

You might be surprised how much or little you feel like hunting. I have 3 now and the last trip out west was brutal for me to be away from everybody. That with no guilt coming at me from the wife at all. I'm done with long trips for a while just on my own accord.


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[renagde]

First off, a big congratulations! Kids are awesome, although they can be tough, expensive, and a huge time commitment.

We had our first about 1 1/2 years ago. I'm planning my first western trip this fall. This trip has been in the works for over 2 years, so she knew it was coming up before she got pregnant. As others have said, sometimes it's hard trying to reason with hormones. You have to pick your battles and realize that it's not her fault she can't think clearly. I say wait until the baby gets here and try to settle into the new normal. Then start discussing trips etc.

The advice I can give you is, when you are home, do the chores. If the kid gets up in the middle of the night and needs to be fed, jump out of bed and take it to her. If it needs a diaper change, do it for her. When my son was born, I was up as much as she was in the middle of the night. I would always wake up when the baby woke up, change his diaper, then take him to her to feed. Usually after feeding he had another messy diaper so I'd change that one. I'd run downstairs to get the pump and clean that up after she was done with it. Many nights she didn't even get out of bed. I lost as much sleep as she did but in the end it paid off because she saw how much time I was investing. And she got to take a nap during the day while I still put in a 10 hour day at work. Dinner time was always my time to take care of him. Feeding him, cleaning him up etc. Just take advantage of every opportunity you can while you're home, and if your gal is as standup as you say she is, she'll notice it and you earn brownie points.

Just don't make it a game of your turn/my turn. It's a joint venture, and you might be tempted to think, well I work x amount of hours a day and come home, I don't want to take care of a screaming baby. I say, baby sit for a whole day with no one else around. They wear you out. So express appreciation to her for taking care of the baby while you're away from home. She needs a break after spending 12 hours at home alone.

The point you made about making time to give her breaks and going on vacation is a good one. My wife knows she can take off any evening to go out with the girls. She's also planning a trip to Europe with one of her friends just to take a break. I'll gladly pay for that, knowing that she's letting me do my thing.

Don't let the conversation about not going hunting drag you down. Your time will come. Just try to fit in her shoes and think about how you would want to be treated in her situation and everything will work itself out.

 

[oake]

It sounds like an expectations vs. reality issue.

Her friends have led her to expect a certain response, because their husbands react a certain way to fatherhood.

Show her the reality of the situation and the fact your willing to be a partner in everything that goes on.

I'm a father of 3, with a 4th on the way in November, and an elk hunt planned in September. Am I lucky - you bet, but we have an arrangement that we agreed on prior to children. As others have mentioned, if my wife asks me to take the kids so she can have some downtime, I'm all over that. It's all about balance

 

[Rich M]

You've got a lot going on and the timing sucks. Preggo wife, building house, getting ready for a 12 month deployment. Hormones, headache, and year of worry i'll call em.

When you get back from your deployment, do not try to be gone any more - that would be a huge mistake. You need to hang around, help take care of the kid and support your wife . The burden you are placing on your family with the deployment is HUGE.

You will need to play this one by ear.

 

[sram9102]

My little guy is approaching 2 and I'm headed to ID in 2 months. I get about 3 times the vacation time my wife does so that causes some issues already. I basically take a vacation with the boy and let mom have a relaxing week at home alone every year, and we go on a family vacation at some point. Our trade off for leaving her at home for 12 days with the boy in October was that she pretty much got to go on as many girls trips this summer with her friends as she wanted. You just have to find a balance. I love those boys weekends, and only think they are going to get better as he gets older. Still trying to talk her into letting me take him on a hike in camping trip next summer somewhere far away from IN. Congrats on the addition to the family. You may think hunting is a crucial part of your life but holding that kiddo the first time was a life changing event.

 

[rtaylor]

My kids are 9 and 7 now but I remember these conversations very well. Before kids I spent pretty much every spare minute in the woods and my wife was ok with that. After my first I decided that I wasn't going to plan any out of town trips that year because I knew it was going to put an unfair load on my wife. We started to get the hang of being parents and after a couple of months I went on a weekend trip duck hunting in Arkansas. The first night I got there and couldn't sleep because I missed my baby. To keep my sanity I mostly did morning hunts on public land close to the house. After a while things will be easier and you can go back to your old hunting routines (with a little more planning).

 

[Jimmy]

You probably just won't be able to hunt as much. Sucks but that's the sacrifice a father needs to make for his family. I bet she will over time change her mind on things. My wife had all kinds of fears and worries. Many of them went away as the baby was born and we began to establish life with a baby. My wife is a therapist, so she is aware of the importance of taking time for oneself, (it's called self-care) and that I'd be a happier husband and father if I was able to do what I loved. Even if in a smaller degree. She for sure would have struggled with the idea of me being gone for an entire week.

She actually insisted I take some time and I did go hunting overnight a couple times. I missed them and worried about them. Even though everything was taken care of at home and we have family nearby.

This year I haven't scouted at all. I'll probably go hunting a little more than I did last year. But still not like I would if I didn't have a child haha. But I would never want my wife and daughter to feel that hunting was more important to me than they are.

 

[bigdesert10]

If you think that she's magically going to be supportive after a couple of years of not hunting, you're kidding yourself. Based on how it sounds, it's going to be a fight at one point or another, so stand your ground. You'll be way worse off if you swear off hunting now and try to renegotiate later. You need to articulate why it's important to you, and how it benefits you. Also talk about how it will benefit your children to have a dad that hunts. Ask her to consider how life would be if you were to give up your passions altogether.

Also, actions are louder than words. Go out of your way to proactively serve her while you're around. Be present when you're there (put down the cell phone or tablet and turn off the game). Make it a point to make small sacrifices regularly for her, so you feel justified being on your trip and she feels like complaining would be unreasonable. This means doing crappy boring stuff she wants to on weekends occasionally (without complaining the whole time - that's the hard part).

My wife and I went through similar throes when we started having kids. It's been a long slog, and I've sacrificed a lot of weekend fishing to get her on the same page with me spending most of my vacation time hunting. She now realizes how much I need that time and sometimes, almost forces me to go fishing.

One more note. Make sure it's clear that it is not acceptable for her to hassle you the whole time you're gone. If she's texting you every two hours to tell you how hard things are and how terrible of a time she's having, you might as well not go. Expecting 1 or 2 weeks out of the year to go hunting is not unreasonable and for her to take that small consolation from you with everything that rests on your shoulders through the year is selfish and shortsighted.

 

[Kootenay Hunter]

It's important to be your best self, and then be a strong couple. If those aren't working, you can't be the best parents.

Somehow our culture promotes that if you have kids and do anything for yourself, you're selfish. Goes hand in hand with helicopter parenting, etc.

This happened fast, as only a few decades ago, kids were let outside to go entertain themselves, and having their parents engage them was a special event (annual fishing trip, etc.). While crime has plummeted since the 70's no it's 'unsafe' to have your kids walk to school alone or play int he bush and build a fort unsupervised.

I see parents run ragged taking their kids to this and that, travelling to tournaments here and there, taking on extra work so they can afford this or that....to me that's no life. Life has to have balance.

Our first child is coming next Friday....yup, so we'll see how it all goes. I'm lucky that I can basically hunt from my door, so I can stalk my local haunt and be home before noon.

Doing stuff for yourself is not selfish, if it's not at the sacrifice of others.

Setting up 'expectations' ahead of things actually happening can be dangerous. I usually like to plant 'seeds' and work the ideas in and eventually bring it up when the time is best.

If you guys are really at odds and everything you do in your free time must be with kids and wife, you might want to consider some counselling to nip that in the bud. Marriage is all about compromise and give and take.

OP, If you wanna BS about stuff since we're both going to have young'uns, feel free to PM!

Congrats ans good luck!

 

[timekiller13]

I'm going to play a little devil's (wife's) advocate here. You work a job that is high risk and requires you to be gone a lot. Your 2nd career (National Guard) is also high risk and requires you to be gone a lot as well, not just for your upcoming deployment, but for training, drills, schools, etc. You are going to be deployed for most of the first year of your child's life. Plus you will be gone with work and any pre-deployment stuff you have to do. While a deployment is no vacation, you have to understand that your wife is going to a single parent the entire time you are gone, and she will be worrying about your safety for that entire year. Personally, I think you should bite the bullet this year and not go out west. As tough as that may be, that is a show of good faith to your wife.

I fully understand the difficulties of balancing work, National Guard and personal/family life. I did my 6 years in the Guard. I had to sacrifice quite a bit of hunting not just because I had National Guard obligations, but also because I had to take into account the amount of time I was away for personal activities. Before I was in the Guard, I hunted every weekend and any other day I was off. Then, kids came along and military obligations. It's really hard to convince the wife to let me go hunting for a whole weekend, when I just spent the entire previous weekend at drill. Or to let me take off out west for a week, when I just spent the previous 30 days on state activity duty. It's a definite balance, and there were times where I just sucked it up and didn't do the things that I wanted to do, because it was better for my home life for me to be available at home, instead of stomping around the woods.

Everyone needs their personal time, I will never argue against that. And that is something you should talk to your wife about. But, right now she is going through so many physical and emotional changes, it is going to be hard to convince her that you need to go hunting. Now, waiting 10 years for your next hunting trip is a little unreasonable, but that was probably a pure emotional response. She probably does not honestly expect you to wait 10 years for your next hunt, but the thought of you leaving now, and then being gone for another 1 year afterwards is just a lot to process right now.

 

[Gerard Marcaurele]

The balance between you and your spouse is something that is going to only be found between y’all. No amount of “homework” replaces the much needed conversations you absolutely have to have in order for you two to understand each other.

I totally agree that pregnant women are tough to reason with, but here is where I’ll hit you with something else. When they’re pregnant with your first kid, it’s still just you two sitting and talking whenever you want. It may sound trivial, but waiting until the baby is born means squeezing in your conversations either at baby nap time or late at night when you’re both tired. Neither of those are conducive to a positive and low-stress decision making environment. These next few months are the last months you’ll have “alone” with no other obligation except for each other. And that’s for the rest of your lives. I’m not trying to be a gloom and doom, I just want to say that having a baby means that time for conversations about feelings and money means carving it out whenever possible.

That being said, I have an 18 month old at home that I absolutely love with everything I have, and I still have the same desire to spend time in the woods that I did before she was born. The difference now is that I have two people to love on when I get back home and two people that count on me to bring home meat. While it will hit your pocketbook, you need to decide on what (as someone mentioned above) fills YOUR cup. I can speak from personal experience that simply going to work, making your payments, and taking care of a baby can and will take up a lot of time. It also drains you if you can’t find a way to have some fun. Life isn’t something we do multiple times, so why the heck would you spend it doing nothing but work?

Thankfully, my wife gets this. That doesn’t mean I can go wherever whenever. It means that when I go, she knows why. It makes things simpler because I don’t have to explain the why, I get to enjoy it without feeling the need to justify it. That’s what you need to get to. Only you know your relationship, so that’s up to you.

I also NEVER tell my wife no when it comes to her going on girls weekends or going out to “decompress”. The stress she feels is exactly what I feel. I think if you can demonstrate your understanding by being extremely involved in raising your kid, your wife won’t be as apt to throw a fit when it’s your turn to cut loose. It’s not really a quid pro quo thing, it’s just that in order for her to believe that you understand and share responsibility, you need to get your hands dirty and be the best freakin dad that you can.

And don’t forget, kids are freakin awesome! This is just a new chapter in your life, and I wish I could explain just how cool being a dad is. I’ll shut up now and just post a pic of my little girl looking through my new binos...

 

[Topo_trekker]

I have a 2 month old girl. I did the same thing early this year...No way she was gonna let me go this year. Now I’m getting out for a long weekend on archery opener. Super thankful!


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[WyoBowhunter21]

I am basically in the same position as you. Our first is expected New Year’s Day. I drew a moose and an elk tag this year so I will get some good hunting in this year. I don’t travel quite as much as you but I am gone about 2 weeks every month M-F. I get the wife rath when I talk about being gone for a week or more. When we started trying for a little one I had this discussion with my wife. We discussed life after a baby and specifically hunting. I am trying to not be gone so much for work which will help but it basically came down to about a week a year. I also mentioned that I get my solitude by hunting and she needs to find something as well so that we both can have our own time. It’s important for a successful marriage to have family time and your own time. I would be understanding and workable. Start small, maybe a day or two. I know that doesn’t seem like much but remember to just enjoy what you are given and the birth of your child will bring so much joy. I love hunting and it is one of my passions, I hope my child will too but if not, we will find something else fun to do together. Remember, having a child doesn’t mean the end of days, it is the start of a new adventure. Learn to take a child with you. Good luck and congrats!

 

[CHAD PEZZLE]

My daughter just turned two last week and I'm leaving tomorrow for my first BC Goat hunt. The first year was tough for us as my wife had an incredibly difficult spinal cord surgery two weeks after our daughter was born. I hunted a total of four days that year. I had zero intention on hunting that year, but my wife knew I needed it and with the help of friends and family we made it happen.

I'm thankful I got out to hunt, I'm even more thankful for my wife and daughters health. There isn't any number of days of hunting that I would trade for that. Family is always first.

The mountains aren't going anywhere, they'll be there next year, it's all a balance and compromise.

I think once the baby is here, both of you will meet somewhere in the middle.

 

[Flatgo]

Make sure to send your wife on trips if you take a week and go hunting she needs to be able to go on a vacation for a week. If you don’t have the money to do both you don’t have the money to go hunting. Also the rest of the year you need to be super dad

 

[SWOHTR]

Drop the reserve gig and go AD.

Take orders to somewhere out west.

Be within 2 hours of hunting from home.

Otherwise: do what others have said and compromise. When our son was born I was still able to get out, but I was stationed in ID so it was easy.