Would have been 17 Sunday

[mooretitan]

Going to take a break from the web for awhile. If anyone is struggling or knows someone who is struggling- heart goes out to you
I had to read this at my daughters funeral
Hardest thing a man has to live with is knowing the failed

Thank You to everyone who is here today. My family and I are grateful to each one of you. The kind words and support have been amazing. My mother-in-law told me a couple of days ago that she has never seen anything like this. I know this town can get a bad rap but for those who live here, we understand the compassion and love that this community has for people. Whether it’s my **** Family, ***** family, ***** family, my wifes work or the church the out pour of love has helped, I am proud to be from this town. With that, I know most of you did not really know Olivia very well. I hope that I can do justice to her by telling her story the way she would want it to be told. Unedited, raw and truthful. She believed her story should be an open book.

The truth is my daughter’s life can really be broken down into 3 stages. The 1st stage was before her birth until the age of 12. My wife and I struggled to have her and the joy that she brought into our lives was amazing. She was this powerful, strong willed, spirited little girl. She naturally resisted everything we tried to do. She got out of her crib constantly; she threw her cheerios off her highchair. No matter how we disciplined her she would not change her way. Stubborn. She was not going to be told what to do. During this time, she developed a deep love for her family, especially her brother. She thought he hung the moon. He was always her rock. She would turn to him often for love and support, He just understood her. She also developed a true love for the water. It did not matter if it was a pool, a river, the ocean or just a rainstorm, it always brought peace to her. As she grew older, she grew in her faith in the Lord. Her faith was strong and unwavering. She would read her bible each night and pray for people that she hardly knew. Many times, it was for families and athletes that I coached. I was always amazed at how such a young person could care so much about people she hardly knew. I want you to know many of you here today were in her pray book. She also began to read the bible to her sisters each night. I hope her sisters will remember those times and find comfort knowing she loved them and wanted the best for them. Her teachers always told us how strong she was and how she would conquer the world. For the most part her life was pretty normal. She was just a beautiful girl who seemed to be heading towards a great life. Little did we know the battles that lay ahead.

 

[mooretitan]

As she started into her teenage year’s things begin to unwind. Things from her childhood that had been kept at bay were going to come out and take over her life. It was like a switch was turned on and there was nothing we could do to change the direction she was heading. It did not matter how much love was poured into her, it did not matter how hard she and her mother prayed. It would not matter the times I would beg for her to be healed. The Autism and OCD were going morph into a deadly battle with anorexia. Looking back no one could see the perfect storm that would destroy her life and create such great pain for her and my family. Anorexia would ultimately destroy her brain and take over her thoughts. I know it was a struggle for her battling the voices of self-doubt and self-worth. I remember the day that everything came to light. For anyone who has felt the great pain of a child struggling I feel for you. Holding her trembling body that day in the pool was one of the hardest days of my life. Things got real very fast. My wife and I were about to find out the difficulties of finding Olivia help. To say or mental health care system is broken in an understatement. It seemed we were turned away at every corner. Places would not take her, waiting list months long, insurance not covering, it did not seem to matter. Olivia’s strong will and refusal to seek help did not help the situation. She just could not find the words to express her pain. We took it upon ourselves to bring her back to health and at times it seemed to work. That 1st year was a rough one and then towards her 14th birthday everything took a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking completely for 3 days and we found ourselves rushing her to the hospital, where she would spend 10 days in the eating disordered unit. My poor wife having to sleep next to her each night with various doctors checking on her. My wife shielded me from the worst of it. I was the lucky one that stayed home with the kids. The things my wife endured the last 3 years would have broken me. It just hurt too much to see her in such pain. Eventually Olivia would go to an facility out of state on July 1st, 2021. Nothing prepares a parent to say goodbye to their child as they walk them through those doors. 2 months there pretty much broke her. She had been sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world. There she would face it each day. My wife would spend a month there away from us. Her being gone from us was extremely hard on everyone. To be a man and father and not help your child will be the greatest failure of my life. She eventually came home, and we tried to get back to normal. I would spend hours with her on therapy which she never wanted to do. I don’t think many knew the pain my family was going through. My children and wife were pillars of strength for Olivia. They never wavered on supporting her even when it put their own lives on hold. Olivia became a full-time job. She would relapse a few times here and there. She would go on to develop depression, anxiety, self-harm to go along with her OCD, ADD, Autism and few other health problems. She spent a few more months in different rehab centers and psych wards. It was then we were told that Olivia was not going to make it. They told us there would not be any warning, no reason, no explanation. She was just not normal, and the chemistry of her brain was too impulsive. These words were hard to hear but deep-down my wife and I knew they were right. It would be our job to keep her as safe as possible and hopefully prove them wrong. It would be come all eyes on Olivia. Doors off, no locks on anything, everything kept in safes, body checks, medicine, sleeping next to her. It became the routine. And even then, we could not keep her completely safe. I remember the countless times I would have to tend to her wounds. Nothing can ever heal your soul for the pain I was watching her endure. She was such a lost little girl. Once the most powerful force I knew was a shadow of herself. I think her words say it best: “My biggest fear is that people will see me the way I see myself” It seemed she would never find peace and joy. Through all of this she turned to the Lord and asked to heal her heart and mind.

The last chapter of her life was this year. We did not know if she would even be able to attend high school. But as August approached, she made the decision to try and go. It was a struggle the 1st couple of months, and she almost did not make it and then her prayers were answered because an angle called **** came into her life. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to **** and the debt that I owe this young man for the joy that he brought into her life. I know you guys had huge plans for your future and I am sorry for the pain that you must endure but she loved you. Everyone should have a great love story and I am glad that she did. ****, you gave her strength to be herself. It wasn’t always prefect, but she has happy. She began to come back to us. Family games, Family diners, typical life. There was a new light in her eye. Again, ****, she loved you with all her heart. My wife and I use to stay up and read your text and it brought a smile to our faces. Young love is so intense and beautiful. Every time I dropped you off, she said the same thing. Dad isn’t *****the greatest and my response every time was yes, he is. You were so kind and patient with her. You gave everyone including her hope that she could make it. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could erase all your pain. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

The truth is we will never know why she did what she did. That night she went to bed she was tired but happy. We had just taken her and **** out and had plans to go the beach on Sunday. We are left with questions and no answers. But the truth is she was not meant for this world. The world is to dark and cold for someone as honest and kind as her. She did not deserve to suffer with the pain she struggled with the last 3 years. No one is. MY daughter was a powerful force but such a gentle soul. She cared deeply for everyone. She was drawn to those who were hurting, so she could lend a kind hand. She gave compliments to random strangers. She was a great writer, she loved music, she loved to challenge me, she loved her mom. She loved her brother Hunter, and all is quirky ways. She loved her nana and papa, her grammy and grandpa. She loved to read. She was honest and truthful. She asked the most awkward questions, she was a great student, she loved pizza, she loved Oreos, she loved stranger things. And man did she love her birthday. She was a real person with all her imperfections. I know most of you will leave here today and forget her which is expected. But the people that loved her will never forget. Olivia, I will hold you close to my heart, and I hope that the pain of this world in no longer with you.

I would like to end by saying Olivia I am truly sorry that my love was not enough for you. I am sorry that I was not able to erase the pain you carried. I am sorry for not knowing sooner how you needed to be loved. I know I was not always the father that you needed. I will carry this forever. I will never forget the special moments that shared together. I know every time I cast a lure into the river, I will remember our trip together. Just you and me. I will remember you every time I change the radio station. I will remember you every time I hear a wave crash into the ocean. I always thought I was trying to teach you but now that I look back it was you teaching me. It was you shaping my heart forcing me to be a better father and person. I am grateful for the last 6 months as you let me be your father again. I am grateful for your forgiveness of my short comings. I loved you, I truly did. I am sorry and hope you are at peace.

 

[realunlucky]

Very powerful message, glad you shared it even though it must of been beyond painful. I shed a few tears before making it to the end.

My daughter has similar struggles and nothing scares me more. What a helpless feeling it's been for me.

Thoughts and prayers for your family as you face more tomorrow's with a broken heart.



Sent from my SM-S926U using Tapatalk

 

[Hnthrdr]

I am sorry for your loss as a father to a young daughter and another on the way I can’t imagine what you are going through. May you and your family find peace

 

[Pacific_Fork]

From where I’m sitting you sir are no failure. You and your wife did everything you could. I’ve dealt with similar struggles and know how hard it is when all we want to do is help and fix things. May she now rest in peace. I am sorry our society is the real failure in dealing with mental health.

 

[SWOHTR]

Sorry to hear that, it's truly terrible and one of my biggest fears as a parent.

Side note, please change your child's name in the story, it was far too easy to find her/your name in a quick google search.

 

[Whaledriver]

Prayers for you brother! Please know one thing. You loved your daughter. Give yourself grace. We are never perfect as parents. We do the best we can just like our parents before us. I will keep Olivia and your family in our evening prayers tonight.

 

[SloppyJ]

With a 6yo and a 9mo old at home, this hit hard. I often have to stop and tell myself that this won't last forever so I need to go do the little things that they want to do like eat popcorn and watch a movie. I'm sorry for you and your family. Beautiful speech and I hope that everyone can find some peace. Prayers to you man.

 

[butcherboy]

My heart goes out to you. I have 3 kids with the two youngest being girls. My 6 year old scares me with some of the things she already says at her age. I don’t want to explain more with her since this is your heartfelt post and your pain. What you had to go through is also one of many fears we face as parents. Thank you for your post.

 

[WV Mountaineer]

As she started into her teenage year’s things begin to unwind. Things from her childhood that had been kept at bay were going to come out and take over her life. It was like a switch was turned on and there was nothing we could do to change the direction she was heading. It did not matter how much love was poured into her, it did not matter how hard she and her mother prayed. It would not matter the times I would beg for her to be healed. The Autism and OCD were going morph into a deadly battle with anorexia. Looking back no one could see the perfect storm that would destroy her life and create such great pain for her and my family. Anorexia would ultimately destroy her brain and take over her thoughts. I know it was a struggle for her battling the voices of self-doubt and self-worth. I remember the day that everything came to light. For anyone who has felt the great pain of a child struggling I feel for you. Holding her trembling body that day in the pool was one of the hardest days of my life. Things got real very fast. My wife and I were about to find out the difficulties of finding Olivia help. To say or mental health care system is broken in an understatement. It seemed we were turned away at every corner. Places would not take her, waiting list months long, insurance not covering, it did not seem to matter. Olivia’s strong will and refusal to seek help did not help the situation. She just could not find the words to express her pain. We took it upon ourselves to bring her back to health and at times it seemed to work. That 1st year was a rough one and then towards her 14th birthday everything took a turn for the worse. She stopped eating and drinking completely for 3 days and we found ourselves rushing her to the hospital, where she would spend 10 days in the eating disordered unit. My poor wife having to sleep next to her each night with various doctors checking on her. My wife shielded me from the worst of it. I was the lucky one that stayed home with the kids. The things my wife endured the last 3 years would have broken me. It just hurt too much to see her in such pain. Eventually Olivia would go to an facility out of state on July 1st, 2021. Nothing prepares a parent to say goodbye to their child as they walk them through those doors. 2 months there pretty much broke her. She had been sheltered from much of the ugliness of the world. There she would face it each day. My wife would spend a month there away from us. Her being gone from us was extremely hard on everyone. To be a man and father and not help your child will be the greatest failure of my life. She eventually came home, and we tried to get back to normal. I would spend hours with her on therapy which she never wanted to do. I don’t think many knew the pain my family was going through. My children and wife were pillars of strength for Olivia. They never wavered on supporting her even when it put their own lives on hold. Olivia became a full-time job. She would relapse a few times here and there. She would go on to develop depression, anxiety, self-harm to go along with her OCD, ADD, Autism and few other health problems. She spent a few more months in different rehab centers and psych wards. It was then we were told that Olivia was not going to make it. They told us there would not be any warning, no reason, no explanation. She was just not normal, and the chemistry of her brain was too impulsive. These words were hard to hear but deep-down my wife and I knew they were right. It would be our job to keep her as safe as possible and hopefully prove them wrong. It would be come all eyes on Olivia. Doors off, no locks on anything, everything kept in safes, body checks, medicine, sleeping next to her. It became the routine. And even then, we could not keep her completely safe. I remember the countless times I would have to tend to her wounds. Nothing can ever heal your soul for the pain I was watching her endure. She was such a lost little girl. Once the most powerful force I knew was a shadow of herself. I think her words say it best: “My biggest fear is that people will see me the way I see myself” It seemed she would never find peace and joy. Through all of this she turned to the Lord and asked to heal her heart and mind.

The last chapter of her life was this year. We did not know if she would even be able to attend high school. But as August approached, she made the decision to try and go. It was a struggle the 1st couple of months, and she almost did not make it and then her prayers were answered because an angle called **** came into her life. I cannot put into words how grateful I am to **** and the debt that I owe this young man for the joy that he brought into her life. I know you guys had huge plans for your future and I am sorry for the pain that you must endure but she loved you. Everyone should have a great love story and I am glad that she did. ****, you gave her strength to be herself. It wasn’t always prefect, but she has happy. She began to come back to us. Family games, Family diners, typical life. There was a new light in her eye. Again, ****, she loved you with all her heart. My wife and I use to stay up and read your text and it brought a smile to our faces. Young love is so intense and beautiful. Every time I dropped you off, she said the same thing. Dad isn’t *****the greatest and my response every time was yes, he is. You were so kind and patient with her. You gave everyone including her hope that she could make it. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could erase all your pain. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart.

The truth is we will never know why she did what she did. That night she went to bed she was tired but happy. We had just taken her and **** out and had plans to go the beach on Sunday. We are left with questions and no answers. But the truth is she was not meant for this world. The world is to dark and cold for someone as honest and kind as her. She did not deserve to suffer with the pain she struggled with the last 3 years. No one is. MY daughter was a powerful force but such a gentle soul. She cared deeply for everyone. She was drawn to those who were hurting, so she could lend a kind hand. She gave compliments to random strangers. She was a great writer, she loved music, she loved to challenge me, she loved her mom. She loved her brother Hunter, and all is quirky ways. She loved her nana and papa, her grammy and grandpa. She loved to read. She was honest and truthful. She asked the most awkward questions, she was a great student, she loved pizza, she loved Oreos, she loved stranger things. And man did she love her birthday. She was a real person with all her imperfections. I know most of you will leave here today and forget her which is expected. But the people that loved her will never forget. Olivia, I will hold you close to my heart, and I hope that the pain of this world in no longer with you.

I would like to end by saying Olivia I am truly sorry that my love was not enough for you. I am sorry that I was not able to erase the pain you carried. I am sorry for not knowing sooner how you needed to be loved. I know I was not always the father that you needed. I will carry this forever. I will never forget the special moments that shared together. I know every time I cast a lure into the river, I will remember our trip together. Just you and me. I will remember you every time I change the radio station. I will remember you every time I hear a wave crash into the ocean. I always thought I was trying to teach you but now that I look back it was you teaching me. It was you shaping my heart forcing me to be a better father and person. I am grateful for the last 6 months as you let me be your father again. I am grateful for your forgiveness of my short comings. I loved you, I truly did. I am sorry and hope you are at peace.

This breaks my heart.

 

[Scoot]

Sad, sad story that plays out far more often than most people know. I see it a lot in my work and it's always heart-breaking and terrible. OP- I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

[MattB]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[jjohnsonElknewbie]

My daughters turn 17 and 19 in the next few weeks. Your story broke my heart, and I'm confident you and your family did everything you could to support her. As another poster said, give yourselves some grace and try to focus on the good times. Take care and God bless.

 

[Grumman]

I absolutely cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. Prayers sent your way I am so sorry for your loss. As a parent I have failed in many ways and I learned from your post so thank you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Btaylor]

May God's peace be with your family.

 

[Geewhiz]

Hang in there brother. Take care of your family and yourself.

 

[Robobiss]

So sorry OP.

 

[ReddingArcher]

I’m so sorry for you and your families loss. As another Rokslider said, you didn’t fail her. We can all see through what you wrote that you love her and did everything in your power to help.

 

[TmarshIL]

Sir, you and your family have my condolences. You are in my prayers.

Terry

 

[Jason Snyder]

My heart and my prayers go out to you. So much of what you wrote resonated so very deeply, albeit with different turns in the road for our family. I’m sorry for your grief and pain.

I pray for peace and healing for you. Have grace for yourself through all of this.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”