What would you do?

[Wasatchbuck]

Three years ago I was accused of sexual harassment at my job. I was a manager at the time and It was by a spiteful employee who was on the verge of being terminated from her repeated poor performance. I can only speculate but I am sure she managed to corroborate with other employees to solidify her story. I was placed on suspension and ultimately terminated. I spoke with with an attorney and while he told me I could fight it, it would be an uphill and costly legal battle as it boiled down to my word vs hers. I just wanted to move on and find employment.

My wife did not know what to think of the whole thing and was convinced I was guilty of it, to be honest the whole thing was a damn train wreck. She kept telling me that they wouldn't just terminate me if they didnt have proof and I told her they didnt need proof, in the end its her word vs mine. In an effort to appease her and convince her of my innocence I offered to pay for a polygraph test. As that was the only way I knew she would believe me. When the time approached to take the test she told me to cancel it and that if I was willing to do it then she believed me.

Fast forward to the past few weeks. I get up every morning to go to the gym at 4:45 before work. Somehow my wife is under the impression my efforts to get back in shape are actually me cheating on her. Please note she has never really gotten over this and harbors some insecurity because of it, it rears its ugly head from time to time.

we got into a fight this morning about whether or not I am actually going to the gym and she told me that if I wanted this over with once and for all I needed to take the polygraph. She gave me an ultimatum, take the test or we are over. Part of me wants to take the test just to finally prove her to her my innocence and part of me says enough is enough. If after 8 years of being faithful is simply not proof enough then I just want to be done. I figure we went down this road already and even if I take the test part of me believes this wont be the end of it. I can see something along the lines of her saying "well those tests are not always accurate and people can study to beat them." Lets just say that things have not been super awesome the last few years. I love her very much and we have children together but try as I may I am having a very difficult time seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking for some objective advice for anyone who has been remotely close to where I am or any advice for that matter. Just not sure what direction to head with this one. Please keep in mind this was not easy for me to post on a public forum but as I said I am truly looking for advice before I make any decision.

 

[ST52v]

I would think if the relationship was rock solid before the work thing it would have never been an issue. She would of had your back 100%. Even if you take the test some serious therapy will be needed.

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[MuleyFever]

Marriage is hard when there is no real trust. The test wont make her trust you in my opinion.

 

[Wasatchbuck]

It was not rock solid, quite frankly it has never been rock solid but we made it work and we were doing well before this whole thing.

We tried marriage counseling and of the five times we went she walked out twice. Told me she felt the the therapist was taking my side. I believe she just wasnt ready to hear that she could be wrong. Accepting the face value of things is not her strong suit.

 

[Poser]

You need to go to marriage counselling. Not some mainstream, run of the mill counselling, either. You need to find someone really good with an approach and ideas that can produce some real changes. Its probably going to be expensive and you'll probably have to go for awhile before you sense any results. It might be the case that you'll need to continue to go in some capacity (once a month or every now and then) for years to come. Its not an easy pill to swallow and you'll need to be prepared to drop $150+ a week for weeks and months and that may not actually salvage the marriage.

The potential problem that I see is that she might have some legitimate grounds for divorce if you were indeed fired for sexual harassment regardless of whether or not you are guilty. At a minimum, the divorce would immediately turn ugly as her lawyer would come out of the gate with that evidence. Depending on your state laws and the judge you get, you could get hung out to dry here as you might as well have committed adultery. The polygraph test is not going to repair your problems. In fact, left to your own devices, there is probably not any one single thing you can do right now that will convince her otherwise of what she already believes to be the truth. Its easy to get frustrated. Its easy to feed into her negatively. Its easy to respond with reactionary anger. Her mistrust is suggestive of a larger problem and that may not even have anything to do with you at all. It may very well be entirely all on her, but you're not going to figure that out without some professional help and you need to initiate that ASAP.

 

[Hunt'nFish]

If she's worth fighting for... she's worth fighting for.
Marriage takes work at times. These are the trials that solidify a lifelong relationship.
I wish you all the success.
Hunt'nFish

 

[Poser]

It was not rock solid, quite frankly it has never been rock solid but we made it work and we were doing well before this whole thing.

We tried marriage counseling and of the five times we went she walked out twice. Told me she felt the the therapist was taking my side. I believe she just wasnt ready to hear that she could be wrong. Accepting the face value of things is not her strong suit.

I saw this after I wrote my response. This certainly suggests some real problem on her end. It could be the case that she needs to see a counsellor by herself, but i conjunction with your marriage counsellor. It may not be the same counsellor, but another therapists who works with your marriage counsellor. A lot of these types of behaviour tendencies and patterns have family lineage, often going back generations. This is a system of behaviour that she learned growing up and has much to do with family dynamics and how her family members cope with anxiety and crisis. You're looking at some really deep and serious issues that may have nothing to do with you or anything that you have done.

 

[WyoElk]

Skip the test and go to marriage counseling. Let her pick the counselor and do it on her terms. Taking the test is not going to solve anything, just one of you gets to be right, certified by a third party. With kids involved I would do everything you can to let her come to terms and work things out.

 

[Johnboy]

Show her this as part of her therapy:

[video=youtube;-4EDhdAHrOg]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg[/video]

 

[elkguide]

Marriage is a team sport. If you're not both trying to win the game "together" it's really a hard thing to make happen. You and she need help as it's obvious that it's not working now. The whole concept of forgiveness/repentance or whatever you call it has to end with you both putting the past behind and looking ahead to your future together. From your side, as in what you have posted, she needs some personal counseling herself. In conjunction, you both need counseling together. Your counsellors should have a good working relationship between each other in order that they can both see the entire picture and work together with you both towards an ultimate end game. But as they say, "you can lead a horse to water but...." so if you aren't both "in it to win it" it's going to be a long hard road.

 

[Jimbob]

My foundation for marriage is this: marriage is for life PERIOD, divorce is not an option. Both my wife and I had this solid foundation and belief of marriage ahead of time. That means when anything comes up the decision is already been made that we will work it out.

If as a man you need to swallow your pride and work at saving your marriage even if your wife is not on the same page as you then that's what you need to do.

My wife submits to me and I serve her when we both don't that it works perfectly. However we both mess that up at times and it makes it harder.

So like others have said I recommend finding a good marriage counselor and start that. I would also encourage you to find a good church in your area and start attending. Talk with the pastor and see if they have any counselling programs or marriage classes etc.

Your marriage is important for so much, I pray you fight for it and your wife does as well.

 

[doncarpenter]

The test will not fix any part of your marriage. Also for her to give the test ultimatum is selfish and not helpful. Polygraph tests are biometric and routinely give false positives. If you go in there thinking that this test will determine the outcome of your marriage then youre setting yourself up for failure because you will most certainly be stressed which raises your pulse and blood pressure along with you respiratory rate which are all evaluated during the polygragh. Go to counseling. If she needs a test to trust you then she doesnt trust you and that needs to be addressed. Best of luck, youre in our thoughts and prayers.

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[SWVA_Tim]

My foundation for marriage is this: marriage is for life PERIOD, divorce is not an option. Both my wife and I had this solid foundation and belief of marriage ahead of time. That means when anything comes up the decision is already been made that we will work it out.

If as a man you need to swallow your pride and work at saving your marriage even if your wife is not on the same page as you then that's what you need to do.

My wife submits to me and I serve her when we both don't that it works perfectly. However we both mess that up at times and it makes it harder.

So like others have said I recommend finding a good marriage counselor and start that. I would also encourage you to find a good church in your area and start attending. Talk with the pastor and see if they have any counselling programs or marriage classes etc.

Your marriage is important for so much, I pray you fight for it and your wife does as well.

^^^^^ X2 Solid advice

 

[Wasatchbuck]

Thanks for all the input gents, lots of things to think through before I set any course of action.

Many thanks!

 

[mtnwrunner]

My advice is to NEVER take a polygraph. You have a tough road ahead and all the above posts are good advice, but only you are going to make any decisions. Life is short.

Randy

 

[charvey9]

My wife and I do not agree on many things, but we do trust each other. Its probably they main reason why we have been able to make our relationship work for 11 years despite all the other challenges.

I don't know all the details, but based on your post, I would take the test. If nothing else, to prove your innocense. This is easy for me to say, but from there the ultimatum is hers. Perhaps it was just about that one incident at work and the test will clear things up, but if the distrust continues I would get out. I don't want to discredit the advice others above have provided, but life is too short to endure a relationship like that.

Speaking from experience, kids aren't stupid and know and sense more than you think with regard to the relationship between their parents. Growing up in a house with resentment will have a greater negative effect on their lives than having to split time with divorvced parents who are otherwise happy. My parents got divorced when I was very young, and it ended up being the right thing for all of us. They agreed to joint custody and were on good terms through my entire childhood.

On the other side of things I watched both of my parents re-marry to the wrong people and hold on too long. In both cases, by the time they pulled the pin it was too late for all involved and ended really messy. In one case it resulted in me not seeing much of my youngest brother for 10 years, eventhough we grew up in the same small town, until he got old enough to make his own decisions and started spending time with me and my dad. The other resulted in my mom in prison, where she addmitted that was better than being married to and living in the same house as my step-dad.

My experience may be extreme, but just trying to share what I believe. Marrige is hard and worth trying to save. On the other hand, divorce in and of itself is not a sin and sometimes the best option.

 

[PantherCity]

There is alot of wisdom in some of the above posts. I would encourage you to do what ever you can to salvage the marriage. My folks divorced when I was a kid and it sucked then and continues to suck now. No matter how much better it may seem to be freed from a strained marriage it has repercussions that you and your children will have to live with forever, and it is a constant strain on my family now that grand kids and step parents and other personalities are involved.

I look at my wife's folks who are still together despite lots of hard times, and I am incredibly envious of the simplicity of their family dynamic.

 

[tttoadman]

I have married for 26 years. I was 20 and my wife was 18. We have had our good and bad. I wouldn't touch a polygraph with a ten ft pole. There is usually a reason for someone to feel the way they do, and it is usually not any one issue. We get pissed because of something she does today. They get pissed 1 day a week for eternity for something we did 10 yrs ago. The important thing is to get to a point where both of you understand the differences between you. Women have everything in their life in a pile in the middle of the bedroom. Men have parts of their life in boxes. We can put one on the shelf, and pick up a new box. Women have a hard time separating things. I would work hard to find your part in any trust issues. There is always something that you do or don't do that makes the situation better or worse. Take some initiative to change something about yourself, and she will be much more receptive to looking at her own issues.

 

[W.D. Crawford]

I know that this is going to sound CRAZY to you and everybody else that has commented, but have you considered praying? I don't know if you believe in GOD or not. But at this point you can either spend a lot of money on counseling (nothing wrong with good counsel) or get on you're knees and ask the one who instituted marriage and who can change a persons heart to help you out. Either way I hope it works out.

 

[JPD350]

I've been married for 28 years and I can attest to the ups and downs, if you each want to love each other you will get through it.

My question for you is this, What do you do on a daily basis to make her feel like she is the one special woman in your life? this is not something you do on a short term basis, it has to be a way of life and it has to come from the heart. I grew up in a family of mostly males and I am growing older with a family mostly of females, my wife and daughters have taught me much about women, they need many more daily emotional blocks in the wall than men.

I would take the test in a heartbeat, not for her but for you! I personally would want to clear my name from the allegations regardless, I would imagine the SH accusation alone could haunt you without the test.

I would seek a counselor on your own first, you need help to sort out your thoughts and the ramifications of whatever actions you take.

Best of luck to you