Hunting Time Allocation- HELP

[Yoder]

Here's something guys always say that makes me puke in my mouth a little: "Happy wife, happy life". NO!

You are just as important as you wife. Your happiness matters. You are busting your ass so she can stay at home with the kids. That's huge these days. Women have been told they are the prize, a princess, something to be worshipped. You know what's rare these days? A righteous hard working man that takes care of his family. If you are working like that, help out around the house and do things with the family all year, time for yourself isn't too much to ask. It's not something you should feel guilty about. My first marriage my ex was a stay at home mom. I worked a lot, and I had the attitude that she should handle the housework. Especially when the kids were at school all day. I didn't do any of it. I handled all the maintenance, lawn etc., but nothing inside. This was a HUGE mistake. Just helping her out with dishes or the laundry every once in a while, probably would have saved my marriage. It sounds like you even do that already. I don't think you are asking for much. I wouldn't be as understanding, I would be angry and actually see her as a little ungrateful. I'm also on my second marriage. I don't think kissing her ass, doing everything and groveling so you can go hunting is the right thing. I would just lay it out for her. Look at what I do all year for you and the family, is this too much to ask in return?

 

[Rifleman86]

Here's something guys always say that makes me puke in my mouth a little: "Happy wife, happy life". NO!

You are just as important as you wife. Your happiness matters. You are busting your ass so she can stay at home with the kids. That's huge these days. Women have been told they are the prize, a princess, something to be worshipped. You know what's rare these days? A righteous hard working man that takes care of his family. If you are working like that, help out around the house and do things with the family all year, time for yourself isn't too much to ask. It's not something you should feel guilty about. My first marriage my ex was a stay at home mom. I worked a lot, and I had the attitude that she should handle the housework. Especially when the kids were at school all day. I didn't do any of it. I handled all the maintenance, lawn etc., but nothing inside. This was a HUGE mistake. Just helping her out with dishes or the laundry every once in a while, probably would have saved my marriage. It sounds like you even do that already. I don't think you are asking for much. I wouldn't be as understanding, I would be angry and actually see her as a little ungrateful. I'm also on my second marriage. I don't think kissing her ass, doing everything and groveling so you can go hunting is the right thing. I would just lay it out for her. Look at what I do all year for you and the family, is this too much to ask in return?

Yup.

Again one of the best things I did was do the math on my yearly hunting trip time wise.

Once again, it was ~3% of the year.

So when her friends or her family starts to call me selfish for going on a hunting trip and leaving the family at home, she can retort back with facts… “Rifleman86 spends 97% of the year providing for me and prioritizing his family. In return he asks for 3% of the year to go do something for himself… I think that’s fair and healthy, not selfish.”

When you NEVER get any time to pursue your own “selfish” passions in a marriage that breeds resentment, and resentment is the #1 killer of marriages.

Also, I hunt more than just those 10 days obviously, but that hunting is usually taking my kid which gives her a break, or literally sitting in a tree 100 yards behind my house.

I would think multiple 7-10 day trips a year where you leave your wife at home to deal with the house/little kids/etc would be a really tough sell.

 

[Rock’N Tacos]

A couple thoughts:

1. You need to make sure your wife has a vacation without you and the kids - a girls trip or something. You might have to take time off to be with the kids so this can happen. Which means you may not be able to take as much time off for hunting. Why should you get these guy hunting trips and she only gets a family vacation, no girls trips?

2. With this season of your life and young kids, you may not be able to hunt as much as you have in the past, at least not until the kids can join you. I went through this when I was in school and had young kids. Hunted a lot before and more than ever once they got old enough to come with or were more independent and spending more time with friends.

 

[Rock’N Tacos]

Here's something guys always say that makes me puke in my mouth a little: "Happy wife, happy life". NO!

You are just as important as you wife. Your happiness matters. You are busting your ass so she can stay at home with the kids. That's huge these days. Women have been told they are the prize, a princess, something to be worshipped. You know what's rare these days? A righteous hard working man that takes care of his family. If you are working like that, help out around the house and do things with the family all year, time for yourself isn't too much to ask. It's not something you should feel guilty about. My first marriage my ex was a stay at home mom. I worked a lot, and I had the attitude that she should handle the housework. Especially when the kids were at school all day. I didn't do any of it. I handled all the maintenance, lawn etc., but nothing inside. This was a HUGE mistake. Just helping her out with dishes or the laundry every once in a while, probably would have saved my marriage. It sounds like you even do that already. I don't think you are asking for much. I wouldn't be as understanding, I would be angry and actually see her as a little ungrateful. I'm also on my second marriage. I don't think kissing her ass, doing everything and groveling so you can go hunting is the right thing. I would just lay it out for her. Look at what I do all year for you and the family, is this too much to ask in return?

Can’t wait to hear what advice you have while on your third marriage lol.

 

[Yoder]

A couple thoughts:

1. You need to make sure your wife has a vacation without you and the kids - a girls trip or something. You might have to take time off to be with the kids so this can happen. Which means you may not be able to take as much time off for hunting. Why should you get these guy hunting trips and she only gets a family vacation, no girls trips?

2. With this season of your life and young kids, you may not be able to hunt as much as you have in the past, at least not until the kids can join you. I went through this when I was in school and had young kids. Hunted a lot before and more than ever once they got old enough to come with or were more independent and spending more time with friends.

Appropriate girl trips. Not going to Vegas to hit the clubs. Some wives seem to think that kind of trip is just like you going off into the woods with a couple dudes to hunt.

 

[BFR]

My wife knew going in that I hunted, taking 1-2 weeks off to go. Still, arguments arose around 4 years(was gone to VietNam (the first year so can’t count that). It went back and forth pretty bad until I pointed out I had 1-2 weeks and she had the rest. My first daughter was born in March and we spent 1 week hunting out of a tent trailer with a heater. My second daughter was born after season was over but we were out there the following year for 2 weeks. Haven’t missed a trip since, the kids lived for those trips until they were in the last years of high school and boys( ugh!). Now all grandkids make trips, 3 to just get a break and 2 love to hunt.
To be honest, if not for the 2 that hunt I’d probably go less as an old body doesn’t recover as quickly. But it’s been a good long run.

 

[Rock’N Tacos]

Appropriate girl trips. Not going to Vegas to hit the clubs. Some wives seem to think that kind of trip is just like you going off into the woods with a couple dudes to hunt.

My wife can do whatever she wants - lucky for me she has never been into clubbing. She was in Vegas for 4 days to see the backstreet boys with several of her friends. We have been married for 22 years and have a healthy sex life (3-5 times week) and we hang out together and enjoy each others company. Trust is priceless in a relationship and knowing you are meeting each others needs, physically, emotionally, spiritually through effective communication fosters that trust.

 

[Yoder]

Can’t wait to hear what advice you have while on your third marriage lol.

Whatever. I'm not going to be a slave to a woman, just to make her happy while I'm miserable. I see too many younger guys on that path. Their new hobby is whatever their wife likes, and they never do anything for themself. I refuse to live a life of quiet desperation. My current wife and I are a team. We both work, we both take care of the house, cook, clean, laundry. She hunts with me sometimes. I never complain if she goes out with friends. I truly enjoy spending time with her, she's my best friend. She never complains about my hobbies unless I spend too much time or money on them. When she does, I know I'm out of line since she is more than reasonable. Guys need to have a spine. Being soft, agreeable and having no opinion about anything is not attractive. If you don't, your wife will be banging the real man down the street while you're working to pay for all her stuff.

 

[Q_Sertorius]

I’m divorced now, but one of my ex-wife’s favorite games was to encourage me to go on a hunting trip - “you deserve time for the things you love to do” - then bitch and moan about how hard it was to make me come home early. I’d come back early and then she’d take off to go shopping or something because “it was so hard while you were gone” [for three days of the planned week].

This after I paid for a two-week trip to Peru, during which my daughter and I each got the flu while she was gone.

I’ve made it clear in subsequent relationships that I am not going to be around much from October 15-December 15 and that the last two weeks in November are sacred. I put it all on the calendar in advance. I don’t cry over any woman who tries to make me give that up. My second-to-last serious relationship tried to get me to go to Australia with her and her mother during deer rifle season. She broke up with me when I refused. I’m newly single again because the next woman wanted me to watch a documentary about the virtues and benefits of vegetarianism. And this was someone who claimed she loved that I was a hunter.

If it really is important to you, you have to protect it. It seems to me there are a lot of women who look for “what’s really important to this man? If he loves me, he will give that up.” But then they don’t respect you because you either said it was super important, but gave it up (and then what does that mean about your love for her?) or you didn’t stand up for yourself.

Do whatever you can to make it objectively easier on the wife while you are gone - child care, other family visits, meals prepped/delivered - but if you love it, let nothing stop you from doing it.

 

[Tod osier]

Okay I realize individually replying to every post is gonna take me too long lol!

I appreciate the replies and things that stick out most to me

1. Planning/scheduling her time for herself FOR her, my wife is similar to others in regards to the fact that she won’t do this for herself out of “feeling guilty” I think this is a must

2. Setting things up to make my time away easier for her, have grandparents on the roster to come visit and help, meals prepped, etc

3. I think I’m pretty supportive of her hobbies, she has a) always wanted to be a stay at home mom which she is doing and b) makes all natural skin care products(soap, lotions, etc) and candles with her dream being to market them someday. I built a fully furnished 200sf add on on our house solely dedicated as her craft room to pursue this about a year ago and she’s closer than ever to launching her products online and at markets

4. Find the common ground in it, as @liv3mind stated, which I think we successfully have. She is and has been for years invested in knowing where our food comes from, organic clean eating, etc and she does LOVE eating venison and having it in the freezer. She was actually with me when I harvested my buck last year and very interested at looking through the organs and pushed me to take and eat the liver with her. I love that this was brought up as it reminded me that even if our passions and hobbies look different they have common ground

5. Hammer home what hunting is for me, beyond the meat/harvest. I’ve talked about this to her before but I don’t think really hammered home that when I’m in the mountains, I’m testing every ability of myself and talking to God every step of the way. It’s a mental battle, it’s testing myself, it’s stepping away from the hustle and bustle of every day life and honing in on one goal, all the things. I think I could do a better job expressing this.

Lastly, I will never quit hunting for those that mentioned it. It is my greatest personal passion in life, always has been, always will be. And I know that, without a doubt, as others said, good luck getting it back if I give it up.


Thank you again everyone for the replies and sharing your personal experiences in this matter. It’s something that certainly takes a constant effort, year after year and isn’t a one and done.

Sounds like she is getting the better end of the deal and is still squeezing you for more. That drive to act that way is really common and often reinforced by friends, family, society in general and certainly social media.

Reading what you write about her, you sound like her #1 fan, she should be yours.

You are young, get it straightened out before you waste half your life not being able to live your life.

 

[ianpadron]

Sounds like she is getting the better end of the deal and is still squeezing you for more. That drive to act that way is really common and often reinforced by friends, family, society in general and certainly social media.

Reading what you write about her, you sound like her #1 fan, she should be yours.

You are young, get it straightened out before you waste half your life not being able to live your life.

Very well said.

 

[Reburn]

Okay I realize individually replying to every post is gonna take me too long lol!

I appreciate the replies and things that stick out most to me

1. Planning/scheduling her time for herself FOR her, my wife is similar to others in regards to the fact that she won’t do this for herself out of “feeling guilty” I think this is a must

2. Setting things up to make my time away easier for her, have grandparents on the roster to come visit and help, meals prepped, etc

3. I think I’m pretty supportive of her hobbies, she has a) always wanted to be a stay at home mom which she is doing and b) makes all natural skin care products(soap, lotions, etc) and candles with her dream being to market them someday. I built a fully furnished 200sf add on on our house solely dedicated as her craft room to pursue this about a year ago and she’s closer than ever to launching her products online and at markets

4. Find the common ground in it, as @liv3mind stated, which I think we successfully have. She is and has been for years invested in knowing where our food comes from, organic clean eating, etc and she does LOVE eating venison and having it in the freezer. She was actually with me when I harvested my buck last year and very interested at looking through the organs and pushed me to take and eat the liver with her. I love that this was brought up as it reminded me that even if our passions and hobbies look different they have common ground

5. Hammer home what hunting is for me, beyond the meat/harvest. I’ve talked about this to her before but I don’t think really hammered home that when I’m in the mountains, I’m testing every ability of myself and talking to God every step of the way. It’s a mental battle, it’s testing myself, it’s stepping away from the hustle and bustle of every day life and honing in on one goal, all the things. I think I could do a better job expressing this.

Lastly, I will never quit hunting for those that mentioned it. It is my greatest personal passion in life, always has been, always will be. And I know that, without a doubt, as others said, good luck getting it back if I give it up.


Thank you again everyone for the replies and sharing your personal experiences in this matter. It’s something that certainly takes a constant effort, year after year and isn’t a one and done.

I will give you my unpopular opinion.

If she cant get behind you the way you get behind her then fire her as your wife. Its cool how you have supported her in being a stay at home wife and doing crafts.

Life doesnt have to be that hard. Spouses that use guilt trips and temper tantrums to get their way arent good spouses. Period.

 

[taskswap]

I’m asking for advice or suggestions for what worked for guys who have had to have these same conversations, this same conundrum, and what has worked and continues to work each year, especially with children in the mix.

Ask your wife if she thinks you should feel guilty for the time you're taking. Nobody else's opinion matters. If she says no, stop.

It speaks well of you that you're this introspective. But self-imposed guilt is the equivalent of a hypothesis in a science experiment. It's a good starting point to look into something, but you shouldn't base your decisions on it until you find evidence to confirm it.

Kids need attention from their parents but also time away in their own space. You aren't a bad father if you're not there literally every moment of their lives. That's just not how life works. Think about it, you're already working. You can't be there during work hours, but nobody questions work time because it's just how life is - presence is only one aspect of parental responsibility. Providing them with food, housing, and opportunities (school sport uniforms, field trip money, 4H support - whatever it is) is crucial.

If you REALLY want to rationalize, think about what an opportunity it will be for them to grow up with a successful hunter as a father, who can teach them the ins and outs and give them that huge head start. Many of y'all take that for granted, IMO. I started hunting very late in life, in my 40's, and it took a lot of work to get where I am today - and I still get jealous of folks that it comes more naturally for, because they were brought up with it.

 

[bricketts]

Wow this received a lot more feedback than I ever anticipated, thank you everyone for your responses and the time taken to write them.

I don’t think we are in unsolvable territory by any means from situations others have described themselves being in, and some of the things shared here I believe will be invaluable for us moving forward. She knew I was a dedicated, passionate hunter when we first got together and quickly learned that I give my ALL on anything I do; i strive to put myself in the “Top 1%”(though I’m far from it) with everything I do.

My wife is my best friend and is a great human/person/mother/friend/wife with more positive attributes to her than I could ever list, this wasn’t a post intended to bash her in any way or put a spotlight on a short coming but a genuine ask for help.

Hunting season is now a long ways away(minus that I have some time left to fill my muzzleloader elk tag and she’s being supportive of me getting out this week/weekend), but we already began talking about what next fall will look like and if there are any trips on her radar/agenda that she’d like to do prior to then. She’s also showing interest in coming to camp with our son, depending on if he seems up for it when the time comes around, as she said now that she no longer works it’s something she’d consider doing since she wouldn’t be using time off for it. She just asked that I maybe come up with some nearby things for them to do during the day throughout the trip. I think her not working anymore this year is going to drastically change things from our conversation already as she now is feeling like she’s getting to live her dream. Like I said this was a recent development just with the birth of our son earlier this year, but a goal that’s been calculated, discussed, and years in the making from both of us.

My next few years will probably continue to be in state hunts limited to 7-10 days with some scouting, but she knows I’ve got a boat load of points built up in some states that I intend to use, that will be down the road. One thing at a time especially with my little one(being a dad is truly the best thing in the world).

I think this was a great thread to open up, I didn’t see one already with a quick google search, and I hope some other young, or older, men can learn something from it as well. This advice is amazing for the topic at hand, but is also just some all around great relationship advice.

 

[NRA4LIFE]

I dated my wife for 3 years before I proposed. Just to make sure she knew what she was getting into. I told her I hunted 3-4 weeks every year. What didn't hurt was the fact she likes fishing as much or more than me. We fish a lot.

 

[bricketts]

Give me 10 days in the fall. That was my ask of her… That’s less than 3% of the year. 2.7% to be exact. That 2.7% of time will make me a better husband and father.

She wasn’t happy, but eventually she got it.

Don’t get me wrong, she knows she gets her “3%” too. She wants to do a trip with a friend or a day to herself, she gets it, no questions asked.

I like this view a lot thank you for sharing, that’s a great way to break it down! I am going to add up my scouting days I would like and my actual trip and present it to her in this way. This puts a really great perspective on it. It’s amazing that even 30 days is less than 10% of the year when you think about it like this(not that I’m shooting for 30). Really like this break down thank you

 

[Rich M]

Maybe you can do a couple long weekends instead of a full week? Still get time with dad and are home more.

Wives are funky - but you did sign on and you had a baby. Babies change everything. Be prepared to suck it up and negotiate - don't get into absolutes kind of fights.

The time with your family - and your dad's time with the grandkids is precious - don't mess it up over a couple days of hunting. Your kids will be old enough to join you hunting and then it won't be a big deal to the wife.

 

[Rock’N Tacos]

I like this view a lot thank you for sharing, that’s a great way to break it down! I am going to add up my scouting days I would like and my actual trip and present it to her in this way. This puts a really great perspective on it. It’s amazing that even 30 days is less than 10% of the year when you think about it like this(not that I’m shooting for 30). Really like this break down thank you

Everybody should shoot for it one day I am at 45 nights out hunting this year. I am 44 and both kids are out of the house, my wife went back to school and is an elementary school teacher and I have received several promotions and am making more money than I know what to do with. Everybody has seasons in there lives - enjoy your current season with young kids.

 

[NRA4LIFE]

My wife is in Germany right now with 4 friends. One of her getaways. She does this a couple times a year and I don't give a crap how much she spends. She's flying first class all the way back and I don't care.

 

[tony]

Yeah, never married, my daughter is grown and on her own.

My GFs son just got a union gig an equipment operator right out of trade school. I know what he makes here in the east, so I’m sure you are making a lot more!
Keep the job.

I’m 57 seen a lot of friends marry. Lot of them don’t turn out the way either party thinks it will. Put some kids in the mix makes it worse.
I don’t have any real answers, maybe you stay home and keep the kids for a few days and let her do things she likes to do with her friends?