Best kid one liners

[McCrapper]

Making family plans on where to go to when we headed into town. 4-5 year old daughter listening in.

My wife. "We will stop by Dicks and get some new shoes for the kids."

Daughter as excited as can be. "DICKS?!?!?!? I LOVE DICKS!!!"

We have 3 kids and that one is by far the most memorable.

 

[bdg848]

My son has taught me that you can start with ANY mundane topic and just ask "why?" about three times before you get to DEEP existential questions regarding all conceivable facets of human existence.

 

[bdg848]

At the red fox exhibit at the wildlife center: "WOW, daddy look! A fu*k!!"

 

[bdg848]

When we moved into our house my 4 y/o sons bedroom walls were yellow. A little after that we decided it needed painting. I asked him what color he wanted his room, and after he informed me he asked me "what is going to happen to the yellow". I said "Well, we are just going to add the blue paint over it". His face was slightly puzzled until he broke the silence... "But then my room will be smaller!?"

Technically lol

 

[BadDogPSD]

Our 7 year old announced that he like Whore Movies and that he's watched a bunch.

 

[6mm Remington]

When my son was about 3 or 4 years old I had been coaching him about women and and driving seeing if I could get him to say something to his mom some time when she was driving. I would say look at that person she's driving like a woman when someone might do a wee bit of a bad driving example. Well I do this once in a while and one day a month or so later my wife is driving and my son is situated in the back seat. My bride is approaching an intersection with a traffic light that turns yellow and then red and she may have been going a smidge too fast and had to hit the brakes fairly hard to stop. Out of the back seat comes, "Mom you driving like a woman!" Gosh I don't know where he got that from.

She about spit her coffee all over inside the car.

 

[madtinker]

My oldest was about three and being rowdy in church. I pick her up to go out of the chapel to calm down, when she shouts “Help! I’m being captured by a pirate!”

Middle son was about four. He comes up to me and asks “when you were little, who were your tall people?”

 

[SleepyJones]

My son was 5 and went running to the entrance of the grocery store (not accross a parking lot) and I yelled at him a few times to stop, even made a bit of a scene. He ended up stopping, and walking back to me he held his arms out and said "sorry dad, but my exhaust pipes were going haywire!" everyone within earshot was laughing.

My daughter at 4 said "Dad, which ones my sweet tooth?" and opened her mouth up wide. I pointed to random tooth and said "that one". She seemed quite pleased.

 

[CorbLand]

Not the funniest but my 1 year old has learned to say “wow.” Today I took her outside walking around the yard and talking to her about the plants. I say “look how green the grass is after we got all that rain.” She looks around and says “wow.” Perfect timing for that word.

 

[The Harbor Master]

Somehow I am seeing this thread now for the first time... I'll contribute.

A few years back, my (then) 2 year old daughter was having a conversation with my wife at the dinner table. She tells my wife (in her barely understandable/learning to talk voice), "Mommy, I have two butts." My wife responded, "No honey, you only have one butt." My very opinionated tiny daughter is getting more frustrated and says, "NO. Two butts. This one butt *points to her behind* and THIS one butt *points to her front*"

This went on for a bit, while we tried to explain human anatomy in a way she can understand, appropriate for her tiny brain. There's a lot of laughter, and my (then) 3.5 year old son is enjoying the show. After the conversation dies down, my son looks at me and quietly says, "Daddy... I only have one butt. Because I'm... a boy."

Somehow at 3 and a half, my child used deductive reasoning to obtain a better grasp on anatomy and gender than some adults I know.

 

[The Harbor Master]

And another quick one:

Our youngest (now 4) talks/asks about the times before we had him, not as "before I was born..." but instead as "when I was still dead..."

 

[timberland]

My daughters boyfriend has 3 boys, 4,5, and 7. Between the split parents and some other poor upbringing, when they stay with us we make sure they get exposure to church, nuclear family, socialization, etc.
The last time they were at my house they were playing with Minecraft blocks, and I think they had about 500 scattered on the floor.
The middle on stands up, hands on hips and says "G*dD*mn, that's a lot of blocks" very emphatically.

 

[Nine Banger]

My wife was overseas the better half of last week and thru the weekend into this week.

I made a Dutch oven full of braised meat to spread across a few different recipes.

The first version was meat and gravy on rice.

My 9-year-old turns to my 7-year-old and says, "This smells like Abraham Lincoln."

 

[Nine Banger]

And another quick one:

Our youngest (now 4) talks/asks about the times before we had him, not as "before I was born..." but instead as "when I was still dead..."

We do "when you were still in heaven" and now they say "When my brother did this but I was still in heaven"...

 

[kpk]

My 7 year old daughter and I were waiting at a crosswalk going into a Wild game a couple months ago. Lots of people shoulder to shoulder and basically everyone within ear shot. "Hey, Dad. Why can't you feel the air with your hands, but you can feel air come out of your butt when your fart?"

In pre-k. "Can anyone think of a word that starts with G?" "Gucci" "Ohhhhhh good one, does your family have any Gucci bags?" "No, we're more of a Louis Vutton family" We're definitely neither and I have no idea where that came from.

Got in trouble a couple weeks ago at school for violating the "no playing with sticks rule". Her argument was that she didn't have a stick, what she had was big enough to be considered a log. So, they told her no playing with logs either. She got mad and asked how they expected her to mix up mudhole pies without sticks or logs.

Kindergarten? Got in trouble. She said so and so did it first. Teacher asked the age old "Well, if so and so jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" She asked how high the bridge was. Teacher told her it didn't matter how high the bridge was. "I have to ask follow up questions to make an informed decision". Teacher didn't appreciate her "sassy" attitude.

 

[JEck]

Sitting around the supper table talking with my wife trying to decide what to name our new Brittany pup, I said how about “whatever name,” my two year old son chimes in and says “how bout DEEZ NUTZ!”…and proceeds to crack himself up…me and my wife tried but could not contain our laughter.

Ended up naming the pup Copper, and for the first couple days my son couldn’t remember his name correctly, and kept calling him Pecker.

 

[43.6N]

Sitting around the supper table talking with my wife trying to decide what to name our new Brittany pup, I said how about “whatever name,” my two year old son chimes in and says “how bout DEEZ NUTZ!”…and proceeds to crack himself up…me and my wife tried but could not contain our laughter.

Ended up naming the pup Copper, and for the first couple days my son couldn’t remember his name correctly, and kept calling him Pecker.

Your son keeps coming up with bangers.
Him and the Brit are sure to get along well!