Best kid one liners

[Bittereinder]

Over 20 years ago, when one of my sons was about 4 we saw some kind of white coloured snake at the zoo, and the edges of the mouth kind of turned up like it was smiling. He said "he's a nice guy!"

To this day I repeat this line whenever there is a scary monster in a sci-fi type movie.

 

[KsRancher]

Friday night we were driving home late from our oldest sons college track meet. We thought our 3yr old daughter was asleep in the back since she had been quiet for a while. My wife and I were just talking about random things. My wife said

"when Macie grows up like Ethan I think she will be like"

3yr old Macie pipes up from the back.

"I not grow up right now mom, I do it later"

 

[Luke S]

My 3 year old nephew listened to a speaker at church for a moment (adult service) then turned to his mom and said "I have no idea what he's talking about. Do you?"
What made us laugh was the attitude behind it. If its not understandable by a 3 year old you're clearly doing it wrong right?

 

[Hydra6]

I am retired Army Infantry - I always told my two kids "move out and draw fire". One time they looked back real serious and said "daddy, I do not want to draw fire!".

 

[huntsman22]

I was telling the kids, who were playing in a pile of Lego's on the floor, that Mom and me were going out to dinner and a movie. And that the neighbor girl Kathy was coming over to babysit them. Will, the oldest, says "OK, but she ain't gonna wanna wipe our heinies"......

 

[iburns]

We went over to my in-laws a few weeks ago and my wife’s Uncle who is a Catholic priest was there. Our 4 year old son walks in and first things he says to the Uncle is “my Dad use bad words but that doesn’t make him a bad guy”.

 

[earrow]

Was running late for mass got out the door. My six-year-old daughter had a nice little dress on. I looked at her feet and she had some old sandals on. I said you can’t wear those sandals to church she said why not dadJesus did

 

[Huntndog]

My father was a minister and was doing a children’s sermon in front of the congregation on easter years ago.
One little girl , about four years old had on her new Easter dress and my dad said
“That’s a pretty dress you have on today” She replied “ Thank you , but Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

My wife is also a minister, and at the annual children’s Christmas play ,after the nativity scene she went up to the pulpit to give the closing prayer. All of the kids were just in front of her singing the finale which was Joy To The World. She looked down and hiding under the pulpit was a 5 year old boy who had been in the play. She told him he needed to be out front with the other kids singing. He said he couldn’t. She asked “ Why”
and he replied “ It’s just too stressful being the f***ing innkeeper!”

My friend’s son was in the eighth grade and the teacher was trying to get them to understand how job interviews work. She pretended she was the interviewer told the kids to ask her an appropriate question as if they were being interviewed. A girl raised her hand and asked. “Could you explain my working relationships with the rest of the staff.”
The teacher said that was a good question and then said “ Can anyone think of an INapropriate question?” My friend’s son raised his hand and asked “ Are those real?”

 

[strousek]

I had forgotten about this one until the story came up over the weekend. This happened a couple years back when our daughter was 7. There are some Sundays throughout the year that our church doesn't have the kids service so the kids sit in the regular service with everyone. They usually pass out little one page activity sheet to keep the kids engaged with the service. The kids fill them out answering questions about the service and afterword they can turn them in to the pastor for a treat.

Admittedly I didn't check my daughters answers as she is not usually the one I have to worry about. My son is the one I would want to check on before letting his comments go public. When our daughter is giving the sheet to the pastor I see him laughing and gives her a cookie. He then starts walking our way with a smile. One of the questions on the sheet was "what was your favorite song you heard today?" she she answered...

"Tipsy by Shaboozey that was on the radio driving here"

 

[SMOKYMTN]

Years ago, we were on a road trip and due to a late start, had to stop for nights rest in the middle of nowhere Georgia. There weren't many options in the area we were in so we opted for the best motel we could find. I use the term "best" loosely, the place was not nice at all. It had bullet holes in the wall. My wife was horrified, she told my son who was 4 at the time not to touch anything and to sleep with his clothes on on top of the covers and that we would be getting out of there very promptly in the morning.

The following morning on the way down the road, my son pipes up from the back seat and asks: "Is the difference between a motel and a hotel is that at a motel you have to sleep with your clothes on?"

I still laugh about it to this day.